Facebook

I want to announce my new facebook page which I hope will draw comments about my postings. It can be found by searching for Challenging Children. I had hoped to call it Connect Thru Love, but a very wise friend pointed out that I might be getting "hits" on the site that would be quite unwelcome. I will continue the blog, of course, and perhaps draw more people here as well as to facebook.

Taking the Lead

Saw a terrific film last night that so speaks to emotional regulation that I just had to write at least one thing about it this morning. The movie is called "Taking the Lead" and it is about Pierre Dulaine who has brought the concept of teaching ballroom dancing to school children. And Peter Dulaine is a real person who did do this in a New York school, I believe in l994. He brought his concept to the inner city and to kids who deal with the stress and traumas of life every single day. And not only in true Hollywood fashion, but in real life fashion of what it really takes, he was able to get through to many of the children and help make changes in their lives. And his formula seems to be quite simple really: he wants to create a safe place, have clear boundaries, have a teacher who is fully present with his/her students all of the time he is with them and most importantly have respect and compassion. WOW! And in doing all of this, Mr. Dulaine is calming the stress and diminishing the negative behavior.

First Grader Suspended

I had a call from a 1st grade teacher today who was very concerned about behaviors from one of the little girls in her first grade classroom. The child is new to the school and the family is new to the area in just the couple of weeks before school began. They have had to move in with family because the mother has a chronic illness and isn't able to manage on her own. There are two children, the 1st grader and a boy who is in 3rd grade and doesn't seem to be having any problems. The child was suspended when she bit an Assistant Principal. She has pushed other children, pushed over her chair, refused to follow directions. This teacher desperately wants to be able to do what is right for this child, but has a classroom of 28 students! There is a behavioral program in place in the classroom that uses the stoplight sticks to track behaviors and the students are responsible for moving their own sticks when prompted by the teacher.

How can this teacher respond to the needs of 28 children and have to spend so much time on the behavior of one child? The answer is that responding to this child instead of reacting to her will cut down on the amount of time she spends correcting behavior. This is how it works: children's behaviors are a means of communication. All children want to please adults. They do not want to be in trouble; they desperately want to get it right. This particular student is under a tremendous amount of stress and she is not thinking through situations because she can't. Her short term memory is suppressed by the part of the brain that reacts out of stress. In order to help this child and bring order back into the classroom, the teacher needs to help calm the child's stress and in doing so, the behavior will diminish. A reassuring touch on the shoulder to redirect the child when she seems off task; a school mentor that she can hook up with when she is obviously out of sorts; someone who will invite her to their room to have lunch; jobs to do in the classroom (this is a child who likes to be helpful). Perhaps knowing she can call home in the middle of the day to check on Mom on a day when the child seems particularly rattled; all of this will go a long way toward diminishing the stress. Stay tuned and in the next couple of weeks, I will check in for an update.

FREE,FREE,FREE...

Free all day training with Heather Forbes: Heather will be in Fort Wayne Indiana on September 11, 2010 to present for an entire day on the theories and methods presented in the book Beyond Consequences Logic and Control. The training is free, with a copy in hand, of Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control Volume I, or Volume II. For those of you, who are out of the area, check on the Beyond Consequences link on the right side of this blog, for other dates and places around the country. The Beyond Consequences Live training was my first formal introduction to Heather and that was five years ago...my way of doing therapy/coaching and my way of "doing" all relationship changed. Be prepared to shake up your world. And when Heather says 9:00-4:00 believe that it will be an intense, packed with useful information, day. AND the information is more practical than theoretical...you can use it immediately!!!!

The Stress Model

ANNOUNCEMENT:
On Thursday evening Bryan Post will give another FREE (!!) Webinar and you are invited to listen in. You do have to register to get all the information on how to get on to the Webinar.
https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/937083354

Time for Own Bed?

QUESTION:
My 5 year old adopted son has slept with me since he was a baby. I believe that it helped us "attach" but, now he is sleeping the "wrong way" on the bed and it feels like it is time for time to move to his own bed in his own room. Do you have any suggestions to help with the transition? We did buy "Spiderman sheets" so he can "protect him" while he sleeps but, he still wants to snuggle with mommy.

ANSWER:
Well, the first order of business, which I'm sure you've already done, is to "right" him, i.e. move him around when he moves into the "wrong way". And do that without any fanfare. Next, to begin the process of transitioning him to sleeping alone in his own room, lay down with him in his bed until he falls asleep. If he should wake up in the night and wander back into your room, just gently lead him back, lay with him for a bit again and then go back to your bed. It may take many nights of doing this and if you feel that it interrupts your sleep patterns too much if he gets up in the middle of the night, then perhaps the next best thing would be to bring his mattress to your room and put it beside your bed. Do this until he is comfortable sleeping along and then reintroduce him to his own bed in his own room. Do expect this to take quite a while until he is comfortable sleeping alone. Remember he has been in the "family bed" his entire life.

Let me know how it goes.

Grounding doesn't work...

Question:
My teenage adopted daughter seems to "rage" over the smallest things - we are unsure of her "past" and are worried enough about identity issues and she is not really attached to our family she is always on the outside. Is there anything we can do to keep her "head on straight" during these tumultuous years? Grounding doesn't seem to work.
Answer:
Part of what is going on for your daughter is adolescence. In many ways, it sounds like she is doing the typical adolescent hormonal thing. And yes, there is a lot that you can do for her regardless of whether it is a "normal" adolescent response or has something to do with the trauma that she was exposed to before she came into your family. You don't say how long she has been a family member, gauging from her seemingly unresolved attachment issues, I would guess that it hasn't been very many years. Your daughter has no reason to feel safe with you, not because of anything you have done, but everything to do with her past. Even if you know little to nothing about her past, assume that it was trauma laden. What your daughter needs most from you is calmness and empathy. She needs you to let her know that whatever she is feeling, it is okay for her to express it. And then prepare yourself to hear things you don't want to hear in language that you want to consequent (and then DON"T, consequent that is). Let her know that you can take her yelling, you can take her bad language...you love her and are there for her regardless of what she says or does. I would strongly suggest that you really mean that if you are going to say it.

You might be asking how will this help and how will she learn to control her temper and that she can't have everything she wants the way she wants it? You will be helping her to regulate; through your own calmness and regulation you will calm her. When you meet your daughter in a place of love and acceptance you are turning on your oxytocin response and in doing so, you will train an oxytocin response in her. The lessons of learning to control her temper will come and you can dialog with her about it later...teach her to breathe in the midst of her stress. Help her to learn where the stress is coming from; tell her as much of her story as you know so that she can understand why she feels the need to rage...tell her to give you her anger (and do prepare yourselves to take it...it isn't personal, it's her anger, her rage, her injustices).

FREE WEBINAR

So you all know my passion for working with families and educators to help them understand and to successfully be in relationship with the challenging children in their families and classrooms...tomorrow night, July 29 at 9:00pm Eastern time, Bryan Post, my mentor and teacher, is doing a FREE Webinar. The topic will be understanding the connection between the brain and children with challenging behaviors. Dr. Bruce Perry of the Child Trauma Academy says that if you work with children (parents, teachers, therapists, case managers, judges, probation officers, etc.) you MUST have a generalist understanding of the brain. I invite you all to sign up and tune in: www2.gotomeeting.com/register/849153794

But How Do I Do It?

Question? I have an adopted child who is 6 years old. She has been with us for almost two years and is a very willful child. I believe that she really thinks that everything should be her way. She is the tyrant in our house. When she doesn't get her way, she twirls, and growls and sometimes screams and bites. She has hurt me, she has hurt our family pets. I get it, Elaine...I understand that she has experienced trauma; perhaps trauma that I can't even imagine. However, we can't let her have her way because if we do, we will be the victims here. And she has to learn that the world will not give into her just because she had traumatic beginnings.

Answer: I do understand how difficult trying to manage your child's behavior must be and that there are days that you probably dread coming into the house. The key word here is managing...it is not possible to manage a child's out of control behavior. We must help children heal. Your daughter's behavior is due to the fact that her needs were not met early on and this has had an impact on her brain development. She does not know how to trust, she does not know how to respect. Her early beginnings spoke volumes to her about a world that does not meet the needs that she had/has. All of the "behavior management" tools that have been written about will not help. When trauma has occurred within relationship, the only way it can be healed is through relationship. Your daughter's emotional brain is underdeveloped. She will not respond to consequences for her acting out behaviors. She needs to experience regulation (calming, soothing) from a highly regulated parent (you guys) in order to develop her own regulation.

And your question was "but how do I do it"? And the answer is that you meet her dysregulated behavior with understanding and regulation and then the once damaged self-regulation will begin to heal. If you continue to meet her dysregulation in your own dysregulated state, her negative behavior will only increase. And trust me, when I say she will learn to self regulate and will not go off to Middle School growling, twirling, and biting. You will have taught her regulation; you will have calmed that part of her brain that goes into fight, freeze or flight when she is in a state of stress.

Question: Why are threats and consequences so much easier?

I was at the opthamalogist office yesterday and a woman was in there with two of her children, one about 9 and the other not quite 3. The 3 year old kept doing things that the mother clearly found annoying and she very quickly escalated into telling him that he would go right to bed when they got home (it was 9:30 in the morning) and they wouldn't be stopping at McDonald's. The more he fidgeted and doing things he wasn't suppose to which included how he was playing with the GameBoy, the more she lathered on the consequences. It turned out that the appointment with the eye doctor was for the young child and included not only the doctor looking into his eyes with that scarey light, but also having the nurse put drops in both of his eyes several times. This was clearly a stressful situation for this child and the mother herself was obviously stressed and so was everyone else in the office. It was so clear that this little guy needed help in calming and that truly the behavior would have diminished if his mother could have calmed his stress. The nurse even asked the little guy if he was now "going to be good" for the doctor. I did resist all temptation to take the mother aside and give her some ideas of how she could help her child in that moment AND where the behavior was coming from. My guess is that every time this child has to go to the eye doctor from now on, his stress level will be elevated. My question: why do we find it easier to give out threats and consequences rather than find ways to calm a child in the moment when the opportunity presents itself?

"Real LIfe" has consequences...

Question: If I don't give my child consequences, she will never learn that all behavior has consequences even for adults. How can she learn this life lesson if we are always giving into her outrageous and unacceptable behavior?

Answer: Great question and I'm so glad you asked. Let's revisit the definition of trauma: any event that is unexpected, unprocessed, prolonged, and misunderstood is long term trauma. Examples are: abuse/neglect, medical procedures, divorce, separation from loved ones, placement in foster care, frequent moves, serious accidents, death of loved one, community violence, domestic violence. Children who have experienced any, many, or perhaps even all these life traumas, react before they respond in many situations. A child of trauma who has just hit her baby brother is not in a state of regulation and is unable to process consequences. When she hit him, she was in a state of stress because of unprocessed and misunderstood trauma. She will not learn any lesson until she is regulated. And simply learning that it is not acceptable to hit others, does nothing to heal her trauma. And most importantly it will not "stick" as a life lesson no matter what consequence is meted out. If as the parent or caregiver you are able to help her come into a regulated state, help her to understand that she isn't being threatened, she is safe and you are helping her to be safe she will begin to learn self regulation. If our child is late for school, the consequences will not necessarily help him to be on time. What helps him learn to be on time is learning how to wake up his body a bit earlier, get himself in a regulated state to face the day. Remember that the word "discipline" means to teach. Dr. Bruce Perry states: "the more you can see the world from your child's point of view and the safer you can make him feel, the better his behavior is likely to be and the more likely you are to find ways of further improving it."

Empathy

Question:
What causes a child not to care whether they hurt another person or animal for that matter?

Answer:
I have received many questions regarding lack of empathy in children with trauma histories and parents are genuinely concerned that if their child cannot feel empathy for another person when that person is hurting, that they may literally grow up without a conscience. This question obviously comes up most often when the child has hurt another child or adult with words or fists or by kicking. The child shows no remorse and the parent is pretty horrified AND frightened.

Remember that when a child is stressed and in a fear-based state they are not thinking clearly. The thinking part of their brains have been hijacked by the part of the brain that stores trauma. And even though you may not have seen the behavior coming and may not know the trigger, you shouldn't assume that there was no trigger and that you are simply raising a mean child who has no conscience. Stress builds up and flies out almost in the form of a monster.

The only way to help yourself to NOT panic in this situation (we panic because we have visions of our child doing something truly horrible when he/she is a teenager or adult), is to step back and breathe, yep...B-R-E-A-T-H-E , 3 deep ones. And then go to your child and help him calm, just as you have calmed yourself. Don't tell him what he has done and how hurtful he is being. He knows what he's done, but he doesn't know why and he doesn't know how to get calm. You may be tempted to send him to his room or off in a corner, but unless that is what he indicates he needs to do, stay with him, if you can and talk quietly to him, letting him know that you can tell he is really, really, stressed out (use whatever words he understands for stress/dysregulation/fear). And he is going to be okay (it is important that you believe it, or he never will believe that he will be okay).

Look for next posting on: If there are no consequences, won't a child feel that he has all the control?

Sibling Traumatized by Adoption

The post today comes directly from an e newsletter put out by Heather Forbes of the Beyond Consequences Institute. It contains a great question and Heather's answer which, to say speaks directly to the point of love based parenting, would be an understatement.

For the past three years, our 16-year-old daughter, Jackie, has had to deal with the complete chaos of her younger adopted sister who was severely traumatized before we adopted her. Jackie was an only child before my husband and I adopted and my world revolved around Jackie. We lived a relatively peaceful, fun, and happy life. All of that drastically changed once her sister entered our family. I realize now that Jackie has been traumatized by the disruption, fear, and struggles our family has endured. What can I do to help my daughter, without dismissing the trauma she has gone through?

A: You're exactly right when your say Jackie's trauma of living with a severely traumatized younger sister cannot be dismissed. In fact, her experience needs to be maximized and brought to the surface in order for her to find healing. Jackie needs the emotional space to be heard and to be understood.

However, listening to your daughter's challenges can easily evoke feelings of guilt, shame, and perhaps, resentment in you. When this happens, all too often, parents inadvertently stop listening and work to minimize or stop their child's pain, closing off this child's needed opportunity to have a voice.

The first place to start is to realize that you cannot fix Jackie's experiences from the past three years. What is, is. Yet, what you can do is work to understand her experiences (getting into her shoes) and giving her the time, patience, and emotional space to discharge ALL of her feelings.

It takes being willing to commiserate with her and allowing her to express her story, not just at the cognitive level, but at the emotional level. Absorbing her pain means not responding in a defensive or a minimizing manner and not giving her solutions for the moment (that can come later).

A conversation might sound something like this:

Mom: "Sweetheart, there is something that I haven't recognized about your life. I haven't seen how difficult it has been for you since your sister came home. For the last three years, especially when she came home, I ignored you, I didn't pay the same amount of attention to you, and I wasn't there for you."

Jackie: "You just care for her more than you do for me!"

Mom: "Is that what it feels like?"

Jackie: "Yes! She gets ALL the attention. You sleep with her, you cater to her every need, and you spend all your time with her."

Mom: "I do. And where does that leave you?"

Jackie: "With NOTHING! Everything I ever had is gone. I'm MAD. I'm so tired of her. I'm tired of her meltdowns. I love her but I don't love her and I want it to go back to the way it was before she was here. I don't want it to be this way."

Mom: "I hear you, honey. Tell me more. Tell me how hard this has been for you because I've expected you to be the grown up in this. Tell me how that's not fair to you."

Jackie: "It isn't fair. She embarrasses me. She can't do anything. WE can't do anything and our whole life is centered around everything that SHE ever does. We can't do anything we used to do. Everything is different. I just want it to go back; I just want it to go back to the way it was before."

Mom: "I know....." (quietly pausing and working to stay present with her daughter)

Jackie: "I'm angry."

Mom: "Are you angry at me and dad for doing this? Tell me. I can handle your anger. I want you to give it all out to me. I haven't known how angry you are at me...I'm okay with it. Tell me 'I'm mad at you, mom!'"

Jackie: "I'm mad. I'm mad at everything. I hate that you and dad did this to me. Why didn't you love me enough not to mess up my entire life??!!?"

This conversation might need to continue for a while, each time with mom "dancing" with whatever her daughter says in return, allowing her daughter to lead the conversation. Yet, the most important part of such a dialogue is that it happens with emotional intensity, at the heart level.

Allowing Jackie the safety of a parent who is present and working to just listen, will allow her to discharge her anger, pain, and frustration now and not in the heat of a difficult moment when her sister is melting down.

But perhaps you are saying that you've tried this and these types of conversations happen over and over without movement forward.

If this is the case, then you have to dig deeper. Are you stopping your daughter at any level? Are you really able to handle her anger and pain? What feelings inside of you are coming up when she is expressing? Guilt? Fear of the future? Helplessness?

Feeling the depth of your child's pain in these moments, coupled with your own dark feelings that have not been honored or expressed, will shut you down. Your daughter will feel this. Thus, her expression is not being heard and she stays stuck in her healing process. Then conversations like the one above will keep looping and looping, keeping everyone in a state of victimhood.

You have to allow your pain to be felt, honored, and understood. In order for you to feel your child's pain, you have to feel your own pain first. This can be scary. It may seem that if you feel the depth of pain within you, opening up the floodgates, you won't be able to parent effectively and you won't be able to pull it together.

Ironically, this is exactly what keeps parents from being able to parent the way their children need them to. Parents have to go deep within the caverns of their own hearts. They have to own and acknowledge their own pain.

Parents have to stay in their hearts; that is where their children are living.

Effective parenting ultimately comes from self-love, self-discovery, and self-understanding. Love yourself through your pain in order to get to the depth of your child's pain. Healing resides within this powerful dynamic.

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, and Dare to Love

P.S. Check out our newest Ask the Expert interview with Claudia Roberts. Just click on the link to start listening. http://www.asktheexpertinterviews.com

Defiant 10 Year Old Follow Up

Question:

Elaine: Let me be more specific about my son's defiant behavior:

He doesn't defy me in the moment....for instance, brush his teeth. He goes in there perfectly willing to do it....but, then doesn't, and then lies to me that he did.

Same thing with taking things up in his bedroom (like a book)...I told him that if he gets done with all and can be upstairs by 8:00 that he can have 1/2 hr to read...he completely agreed to it.....problem is he never gets done with all by 8 and even though he agrees it's late and no he won't read, we'll try again tomorrow.....he sneaks up a book anyway and that's how we start our day the next morning....

Sorry I didn't make that clearer before....but that[s the part that frustrates me so....he totally agrees and says he will.....and then he completely doesn't.

I feel like I have to be on top of all this all the time....lock the books up...the gameboy...go with him to the bathroom and make sure he really brushes his teeth.....
etc, etc,.....and then when I'm not there he goes right back to lying and disobeying me again......how can I make him own it?
signed, Kathy (frustrated Mom)

Answer:

I certainly hear your frustration and your stress. And I totally get why you see this as disbeying and lying. And what I am going to tell you will see like a huge stretch. Having said that...you son's behavior arises from an unconscious place; he really would not do what he is doing if he was clearly thinking about the consequences. He has shown time after time that he can't do what you ask, even though they are simple tasks. Your son would not knowingly cause you all of this stress because he loves you and wants you to love him. Please try to stop giving consequences and again I know this is what we are all programmed to do. Instead I would advise you to work with him and join in to picking up his things from downstairs or in his room or wherever and going with him to brush his teeth. Make a game out of it; you brush yours at the same time or if he happens to like it, you brush his teeth; I can almost guarantee that you won't be picking up his things with him and brushing his teeth when he is 15. You are unknowingly setting up yourself and your son for a stressful situation. Actually there is a name for what is happening between you two: it is a negative physiologic feedback loop (more about this on another blog post). After you have worked with him to brush his teeth and pick up his room, sit with him on his bed and read with him for 10 minutes and then if hewants, he can read, by himself, the remaining 20 minutes. Or perhaps you can read the whole time. Bedtime appears to be a time of stress for him and for you. And then morning time gets off to a bad start because of the "leftovers" from the night before. Try this for at least 2 weeks and I assure you that bedtime will get a whole lot better and then of course so will the beginning of the next day. And you won't have issued any kind of warnings (which children with these behaviors really view as threats) and you will have had some decent time together instead. And by the way...you can't "make him own it" and believing that he will contributes to the negative physiologic feedback loop.
Let me know how it is going in a few weeks.

Elaine Spicer

ADHD, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT??? or RAD?

Question:
My 8 year old brother, James, has come to live with me, my husband and 7 month old son. He was taken by Child Services several different times. The first time was for a few months, the next time for a year, then returned to alcoholic parents for 3 years and the taken again and returned again for a year and then he came to live with me and my family. We have some behavior issues; what advice do you have for me. He gives me the most problems, listens to my husband but my husband works a 3/11 shift and is not home when James is home through the week. We suspect ADD, Autism, Aspergers, ADHD or possibly RAD. Another issue is that our alcoholic father has supervised visits once a week and James doesn't listen to me then at all. He also believes that he is going to live with his Dad again. The diagnosis that has been give for James is ADHD and Compliance Defiance Disorder (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). The professionals say that it isn't RAD because he is afraid that Child Services may remove pull him from us and RAD children don't care either way. I don't want to medicate him, but what are some alternatives? Thank you.

Answer:
You don't say what James' particular behaviors are, but I can surmise that he is often out of control and non-compliant and isn't particular age appropriate in his interactions. He may be very aggressive and oftentimes tantrum like a child who is much younger. James has suffered from trauma and that trauma has induced stress and not positive stress. A traumatic event is defined as" any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable. And when those events go unexpressed, unprocessed and misunderstood it is the difference between short-term and long-term trauma". One can see TRAUMA! TRAUMA! TRAUMA! by just re-reading you abbreviated recount of James' eight years of life. And we don't even know what it was like for him in utero...It would be very strange if James was able to be regulated enough to form any kind of attachment given what he has been through, and continues to go through with weekly contact with probably a sometimes inappropriate father, even though you are his sister.

It will be necessary for you to learn to help him to calm the stress; and in doing so the behavior will diminish. All of his behavior comes from a state of stress and it is fear based.

Continue to ask your questions, please. I can give you specific interventions for specific behaviors. Please remember that his behavior is about him and not about you. And his behaviors are unconscious. The last thing that James wants to do is to make you angry or disappoint you. He isn't looking to push your buttons, truly. I refer you to the 2 resources that are listed on the side of this blog: www.postinstitute.com and www.beyondconsequences.com

Elaine

Defiant 10 Year Old

Questions:

My son is 10 years old, and although he is adopted, he has been a part of our family since he was a toddler. My ongoing question/problem is his defiance. No matter what the rules are, his mentality is "I'm going to do what I want to do". It absolutely annoys me and scares me. He's only 10...I want to get to the bottom of this before he turns into a teenager! What would you suggest? Thanks.

Answer:

A defiant child is a scared child. It really doesn't matter whether you are asking him to do his homework, pick up his toys, brush his teeth or whatever the request. You son freezes when you make a request and he first sees it as a threat and he goes into fight mode. My guess is that is that any transition to him, is seen as threatening. And you and he may go round and round each time your requests are met with a defiant attitude. You may even have gotten to the point that even thinking of asking him to do anything causes a stress reaction in you.

Here's what I would like you to try: allow your son time to see that what you are asking is not threatening. Give him 5 or 10 minutes notice before he needs to comply. If you can go sit with him, bring him close to you...in doing this you will connect with him and help him calm inside (and incidentally it will help you calm as well). Don't expect immediate compliance; he really isn't able to do that. Try to remember, he isn't defiant, he is scared. I would ask that you do this for 2 weeks as consistently as you possibly can, please feel free to write in the meantime with any question you may have. And remember to B-R-E-A-T-H-E in order to help you calm and respond to your son rather than react to him.

Elaine Spicer

The Body, Mind, Spirit Connection for a 10 Year Old

Question:
We have a ten-year old son who was adopted from an orphanage in another country at eight months of age. He is aware of, and proud of his background and we have a picture of his birth mother, which he appreciates looking at whenever he would like. We are trying to address the issue of grief and loss in a way that is honest, but also takes into account the multiple traumas he had at such an early age.

Recently, an adult friend and neighbor died quite suddenly. He frequently connected with our son, and they had a positive, daily connection. He knows that the friend has died, and we are not pushing that he "talk" about his feelings. He heard the news, and went on playing basketball. However, the following week, he became ill, and stayed home from school for most of the week. The illness could have been a coincidence, or connected to the grief of our friend dying. Are there other steps we can/should take to comfort him and reassure him that he will not be left alone or abandoned through the death of his parent(s) or other circumstance? Or just let him process this as he needs to?

Answer:
It sounds as though you are very in tune with your son and are probably right in thinking that his recent prolonged illness has a lot to do with the loss he is feeling and the stress that it is triggering for him. I would encourage you to talk with him about how hard it is for him to have lost this important person and that he has had a lot of losses in his little life. And it is okay to tell him that you are really sorry for this loss and all of the other losses he has had. Let him know that it is okay to feel sad or even not be able to express how he feeling with words. If he writes, or draws, he might want to do that as a way to express his sadness, anger, fear. Don't be afraid that you will stir something up that can't be settled back down. He most likely counts on you, his parents to help him feel regulated and safe. You can even let him know that sometimes stress makes us feel physically sick and talking about who we've lost helps our body feel better. Let him know that you, his parents, are not going anywhere and that if he is worried now that when he leaves home something will happen to one of you perhaps you could arrange for him to call you during the day for reassurance. If he wakes up complaining of illness again in the near future and you believe that he isn't ill, suggest that he go to school for a few hours and then give you a call 1/2 way through the morning or at lunch time.

Hope these suggestions help.

Elaine Spicer, LCSW

Testing, Testing...

I realized after answering the question asked about behavior during ISTEP Testing that I should address teachers and proctors who are in the situation, several times each year, when state-wide and district wide testing is happening. Testing is a stressful situation for many students, of all ages. The mandatory testing of No Child Left Behind has put an extra dose of stress on not only the students, but the teachers, administrators, and parents. Schools are on high alert during testing week/s and that stress is communicated all the way down the line to the actual test takers. For students who have challenging behaviors, their stress level is at the max. And telling them to be on their best behavior and to pay attention to all the directions and to "NOT do this and NOT do that" and if they do "their tests will be thrown out," only pushes them over the edge (remember threats really don't work) that they are teetering on anyway.

Because this blog is all about interventions and not just more descriptions of why behavior is happening I do have several suggestions to offer. Alert all students the day before testing begins that it is going to be happening and that everyone knows that it is really really important to be at your best...but you know that they are going to feel stressed, frustrated, maybe even angry and that it is natural. You can even tell them that the adults in the building are probably going to be acting stressed as well. And that to make it easier, you are going to do some activities that will calm them before testing starts and during breaks. You want them to do some stretches and breathing exercises in addition to getting a drink and going to the restroom. (Check out Mindful Practices Wellness Program website). And remember teachers...breathe and calm yourself. And for your most challenging students, particularly the ones with IEP's that give them accommodations for testing be very sure you give them frequent breaks and have a proctor who can walk out of the room with them or have an administrator standing by your room and keep watch on those kids so you can catch them when they are beginning to go off task. Put a hand on their shoulder or arm, whisper an encouraging comment, tell them to BREATHE. I promise, it will make the testing go so much better with much less behavioral disruptions.

ISTEP Testing

Question:
We were asked to pick up our 11 year old foster son from school yesterday because he was disruptive, defiant and disrespectful to his teacher and to the teacher aid. Other times they will try to work with him, but because everyone was testing he was a distraction to the other students. We know that the testing will continue this week and into next and are really at a loss of how to handle his behavior. We would be appreciative of any suggestions you can give. We have thought about taking away his games for the week or perhaps not allowing him to watch television.

Answer:
Your son is stressed out by the test taking and does not know what to do with his anxiety. Instead of punishing him talk to him about how stressful/frustrating/nerve-wracking testing can be for him. Let him know that you understand and ask him what might help him get through it. He may not understand why he can't get more one on one help; he may be afraid that he is going to get a bad grade. Try to listen to his concerns and not try to argue with him or try to tell him that he just has to take the tests. If you find out what might help him, communicate those things to his teacher. And if he can't tell you, then talk with the teacher about how stressed he gets and ask if they can give him a few more breaks when he seems to be getting extra fidgety or needing a new pencil or to get up out of his seat, etc.

Too often we have expectations of how children should behave and are unaware of how stressful the environment they are in can be. Teachers, administrators, students are all wound very tight during testing time and it is easily picked up by stress sensitive kids. And they will act out their stress.

Elaine Spicer, LCSW

Healing Trauma

I heard a terrific analogy on an interview tape with Juli Alvarado of www.coaching-forlife.com and it just spoke to me. The analogy is how trauma is like cellulitis. Cellulitis is a bacterial infection that causes blotching, redness, swelling, and tenderness to the skin. The rash can be treated with patches, but if the underlying infection is not treated with antibiotics, the results can possibly be life threatening. The analogy to trauma is that if trauma is left unexpressed, unprocessed, and misunderstood, the results can potentially be as life threatening as cellulitis. And it is because trauma resides in the very cells of our bodies, that cognitive behavioral therapies are just patches whereby some behaviors may be kept in check, but unless a child is helped through emotional regulation, the trauma has the capacity to destroy.

Elaine Spicer
"healing is a process; change is an outcome;" and parenting is a journey