2012

Welcome 2012!!! And Happy New Year to all who come regularly to this blog or even sometimes. And in this day of making oh so many resolutions that we have seemingly made before and some we've kept and they bear repeating and some are still on a "to do" list somewhere, I am resolving to communicate more often with all of you. I resolve to communicate only what seems relevant to me and to do it from a place of loving responsibility. I know that I often react to something that I have seen or read or heard about and do it from a place of judgment which is just another one of those words that are based in fear. The rantings that one makes (okay that I make) come from a place of fear...fear that it is imperative that everyone "get it", everyone understand how reacting to children and to one another from a place of fear only gets a defensive reaction...fear-based. I resolve to first of all understand where adults behaviors are coming from...and respond from that understanding; validate that the reactions of adults come from some previous experience and that the best way to interrupt cycles is to teach...not to preach.

Special Education Setting

I commented today, on my facebook page: Challenging Children, about the special educational settings for emotionally challenged children. It occurred to me that what one witnesses all too often in these settings is a lot of chaos, a lot of disruptive behavior. And what happens more often than not is that it sets off dysregulation in everyone including the teacher and the paraprofessionals in the classroom. These classes are always small because Article VII of the Special Education Law specifies the class size. However, it does not take more than one dyregulated student to set off other students. Students in these classes have very small windows of stress tolerance and once the window is exceeded, my experience has been, that little to no learning takes place and threats and consequences get multiplied. And make no mistake, these are not easy settings to work in...one has to have a very large window of tolerance herself and has to be ever watchful of the students to know when and how to intervene. If one watches closely they know the minute their students walk in the door of the classroom which child/children will be set off before very long. This is the time for intervention...this is the time when relationship overrides everything else in importance. If the teacher, or the para can connect with the student who seems dysregulated, everyone's day will be better. And connecting in relationship is not reminding the students that they have so many points or stars or whatever the particular incentive is that students are suppose to be working toward. It is talking with that child about him, about how he's doing...what he needs that day. Unfortunately, most programs will begin with a review of points, or other incentives or penalties and that will be viewed as a threat to those students and those "consequences" will be the trigger for reactivity instead of the carrot that the students will go after in order to be able to work themselves back to a regular school setting. Students respond best to positive connection, to genuine interest, to attunement (being in sync with)... they respond to respect.. They do know what they need to do to get to the preferred school setting, and they would do it if they could, but they can't. It is the job of the teacher and the teacher aide, and the other adults in the building to help them...they don't need more props, they don't need more incentives...they need to be heard, to be understood, to be validated. When this happens, learning will follow.

School Opens

"we cannot give up on our children because we do not know what the child's been through" (Freeman Hrabowski III; President of University of Maryland-Baltimore County in speech to Gary Indiana teachers). So many times teachers and administrators give up on children with severe behaviors. First they are evaluated for Special Education, and often even after placement they are suspended for acting up, eventually moved to a more restrictive setting in the school and then our of the school. So "what"...you may ask "do they need?" They need you, as teacher, to understand that at any given time they are doing the best that they can. They are reacting from a place of stress...stress at what they left at home that morning or stress of living with an alcoholic or abusive parent...perhaps the stress of a friend being murdered the night before or even the year before. Meet them in that place and you will get much less resistance than if you try to control their behavior. Step back from your fear that this chid, or these children, are going to cause you to lose control of your own classroom. Meet the child in a place of love...not fear!

Threat=Stress=Fear

What do threat, stress and fear have to do with parenting children with difficult behavior? Only EVERYTHING! When you are preparing to go on a summer outing or vacation trip and your often out of sorts 12 year old is whining about having to sit in the car for a long time on a hot day...you jump to how awful the whole day or week is going to be. Your stress gauge begins it's climb. You try to be light hearted and tell everyone what a fun time it is going to be and how the family is going to get to do this and that and see lots of new things. Your 9 year old hits his 6 year old sister with his backpack as he drags it to the car...she screams and he tears a whole in the pack scattering his belongings...you ask him what he did to his sister, he says nothing, you start yelling and giving consequences for his unkind AND lying behavior, he mumbles under his breath and you give him another consequence for his behavior. Everyone gets in the car, your son is relegated to the very back seat with the luggage and he turns up the volume on his CD player on which he has the latest of obscene music, you and your spouse both begin to yell at him...You are now sure that this trip is going to be awful and that you really should have had your mother have him for this trip. You see clearly how embarrassed he will make you feel, how people will be staring at this 12 year old who seems to be the devil incarnate. What were you thinking? And from this moment forward, your son will be displaying negative behavior in reaction to your negative reactions to his behavior triggering only more negative reaction (e.g. more consequences, threats). How much worse can this scenario get? Plenty worse!

SOLUTION:

Rewind the scene...your son begins to whine like a 3 or 4 year old...BREATHE...let him know that you understand that he might think that he is going to be cooped up in the car all day. Tell him what the day is going to look like...i.e. how long you will be in the car that you plan on stopping often to get out of the car, have bathroom breaks, get cold drinks and that it won't be a really long day in the car (and if at all possible, you have made sure that it won't because you have a kid or kids who don't transition well from home to the unknown, at least the unknown for that day). Ask him what music he would like to download for his player (if you haven't already done that)...go to the computer with him and get him his songs (15 minutes now will save you hours of grief later). My guess...he will have dial down the whining and will be more calmed. and you will be responding to his behavior instead of reacting and he in turn will respond rather than react to your parental dictates.

Parents, Teachers, Caretakers, Mentors...

What emotion do you bring to an interaction with a child with severe behaviors? Are you able to park judgment at the door? Most importantly are you able to park fear at the door and approach that child/children from a place of love? This really is not an idle question as I have witnessed parents and professionals in the last week or so approach several different children from these various perspectives. I don't believe that we, as adults, all the time understand that when we bring judgment, punitive consequences, and criticism into our interactions with children, the basis is fear. As parents, we are afraid that others will judge us for our child's behaviors. As teachers, we fear that our peers, and those in authority over us will judge our teaching methods and our abilities. As CASA's, line staff in residential facilities, as therapists, we fear that we will lose control if we do not take a hard line with the children for whom we have responsibility. And each of these fear based perspectives translate into interactions that present ultimatums, interactions that put the burden of change on the child, interactions that breed fear in the child. If however, we could exit from that place where challenging/severe behavior begets hard nosed, controlling response and enter, instead, a place where we look at behavior as indicative of having meaning...a child communicating something that is happening internally, through their behavior. And most often they could not tell an adult in words what that behavior means. These children with severe behaviors are reacting from a state of stress and fear. They have been triggered in a place in their brain that cannot access reason...they are in a state of freeze, fight or flight. It has no rationale at least in terms of explanation. Their behavior has explained that they are completely dysregulated...meeting that child in a place of calm and understanding (you may not understand what has triggered that child, but you know he/she is not okay)means to respond to that child's needs and not choose those times as times to lay down the law, make the "or else" statements...just let it be a time to show compassion, empathy, understanding, flexibility...in other words, show love.

trauma=Trauma=TRAUMA

I was talking with an acquaintance a few days ago and she told me about a relative who has adopted or taken guardianship of 2 children ages 3 and 5. The 3 year old is a girl and the 5 year old is a boy and they had been adopted by another relative (single mother) who contracted terminal cancer and died last year. It was the wish of the dying mother that her cousin and husband should adopt the children and the children began visits with this cousin. By the time, the mother was on her "deathbed" the husband of the designated relative also was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. The dying mother of the children, was convinced by her brother and his wife to sign papers allowing them to become the guardians of the children over the cousin because the husband was terminally ill as well and the "poor, unfortunate" children would have to again lose a parent. The children had already become very attached to the cousin and her family and actually did live with them for several months until the death of their mother. When their mother died, these two very young children were removed from the cousins home and taken to the home of their aunt.

These two children suffered trauma when they were removed from their bio mother at birth (who by the way was addicted to cocaine and cannabis). Please read this as in utero trauma! They were placed in a home of a single mother as foster children, pre-adoption and were adopted by their foster mother. Please read this as Trauma at birth (separation from bio mother)! Their foster mother adopted them and I'm sure they were becoming attached to her and she of course was bonded to them...she was diagnosed with cancer and they began to form a relationship with their cousin and her family who would adopt them if their adopted mother died. They lived with the cousin for many months prior to the death of their adopted mother...and began to form a relationship...their adopted mother died and they were taken from the person that had provided regulation for them during the period of their adopted mother's illness...they were taken because the cousins husband (who they also had a relationship with) was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer...TRAUMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

These children, particularly the oldest child has been diagnosed as ADHD, Bi-Polar, and possibly Schizoid Affective...WOW!!!!! labels, labels, labels and it is all about trauma, Trauma, TRAUMA! They are of course on medication and the "new parents" are attempting all kind of behavior modification in order to deal with challenging behaviors.

Anger Management or Unhealed Trauma

I am posting from a column by Bryan Post. The scenario posed by parent and answered by Bryan so speaks to the unhealed effects of early trauma and the misconstruction of the reasons for anger/rage and yes oppositional defiant behavior...



Q: Dear Bryan, Our adopted daughter is 15-and-a-half years old and only been with us since age 7.5 years. She is from a family of 6 (we adopted her older brother too), all removed from birth parents due to severe abuse and chronic neglect.
She has a hatred of mother figures (so that's me!) and also a learning disability (unable to follow/understand written and verbal instructions) and is a very visual learner.

She's at an EBD (emotional and behavioural difficulties) school in the UK and runs away from lessons; has learnt to smoke at the school, has run away from home and we had to call the police; lies all the time.

Due to all this and her extreme anger, a psychiatrist wanted to analyse her for possible epilepsy, finally had all the test results in and she does not have epilepsy. The psychiatrist says she has no recognised mental health needs; but both my husband and I, and our old Post Adoption Social Worker all believe she is developmentally delayed and is still traumatised by her past. The psychiatrist is signing her off as there is nothing more she can do for our daughter and suggests she visits a youth charity that helps with the usual teenage angst issues. We feel it's far deeper than this and we don't know how to help our daughter. Please can you advise?
Thank you.

Bryan writes: Oh dear, I’ve heard some crazy things before but for a psychiatrist to tell parents that a child adopted at age 7, from a background of abuse and neglect, has no mental health needs, is among one of the craziest! Yes your daughter is developmentally/emotionally delayed and this is also intensified by her learning disability which is also most likely trauma based.

First of all, instead of seeing her as an adolescent that hates mother figures, do your best to begin seeing her as a five year old little girl, who’s been abused and neglected, and is terrified of mother figures because in her experience she’s never been good enough! Your daughter doesn’t hate you, she feels like you hate her and the challenge…it has nothing to do with anything you’ve done to her. She is challenged by some very old memories that get easily triggered when she is stressed, which sadly happens to be ALL of the time! Start trying to see her as stressed out and scared. Forget psychiatrists, find a counselor that is relationship based and is willing to help you all as a family sort through the challenges but first by seeing your daughter where she is emotionally not chronologically. This will at least get you on the right-track to being able to get behind her wall of shame and defensiveness. She’s seeking to be loved, she just doesn’t know how to let it in. She’s too afraid of being hurt!

Sensory Processing Disorder and the Classroom

I began to write about SPD or Sensory Processing Disorder on my facebook page: Challenging Children. Many children in the classroom have difficulty with processing information that comes through the senses. The sensory difficulties which are truly neurological disabilities. The processing problems may be difficulty reading verbal or nonverbal cues. An inability to understand an auditory message. Sensory processing difficulties are the result of a disorganized brain...a child may have difficulty modulating his/her responses and is overly responsive or under resposive. A child may have sensory discrimination problems and misreads touch. Such a child may lash out at anyone who brushes up against him. And so what is a teacher to do about such a child even if the child has been identified. And realize, please that many children with SPD have not been identified. These children need understanding and support and what follows is a list of strategies for the classroom to help such children. And the very good news about these strategies is that they also help every child in your classroom. Children need a safe, calm environment that is free from distraction. Every child needs frequent breaks in the work period to move and to stretch. Every child wishes to know that someone is paying attention. Paying attention to her needs, her strengths and weaknesses, ups and downs and likes and dislikes. Every child needs to feel valued in order to be successful. Children need to know this regardless of their abilities in relation to others. A child needs to know that his ideas are of value and he if valued. And as you can see, if this is how you run your classroom all children can thrive regardless of whether or not they have a sensory processing challenge.

P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L. Parenting

This week 2 of the families/children that I work with have been in some kind of crisis. One foster mother told me that she didn't know if she could continue to foster her daughter because she really didn't feel connected to her and the young girl is disrespectful and oppositional. Later that night the girl wrote a suicide note and said she had anger issues and either needed to die or go back to residential placement. Foster Mom sent child off to school in the morning and later that afternoon, told her that she was going to go to respite care. The girl locked herself in the bathroom and sliced at her wrists with a hair shears and said it was all her fault that the placement wasn't working she had anger issues. The second foster mother asked for her young foster son to be taken somewhere that he could get some help because she feared for the well-being of her family which included her other 3 foster children who are siblings to the boy. He had taken a steak knife to attack his foster sister (bio child of foster mom)because she was annoying him by tapping him in order to get him off the computer for her turn. She fortunately held a pillow up which he proceeded to slash...not poke, but slash. The foster mother wanted him to get help that she felt they were unable (i.e. unequipped) to give to him. She stated that she would have asked for this even if he had been her bio child and also if he had attacked his siblings. Her message was clear...this boy needs help; please get him some help. We are here for him, but right now he can't stay here.

I have been trying to sort out the meaning of these incidences because though both foster parents were asking for "removal" the message from each seemed quite different. The first foster mother is done because she doesn't feel that this young girl is attached to her and she is not connected to the girl. The second foster mother also asked for removal of the child who is clearly a danger to others and to himself. And while sorting all of this out, it became clear that the difference is a love based response as opposed to a fear based reaction. Bryan Post talks about P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L. Parenting and this is parenting that shows Patience, connects through Empathy by providing Acceptance, approaches with Compassion, offers Encouragement, showers with Forgiveness, and seeks to truly Understand; and the thread that runs through it all is Love.

Parental Reaction

And here is another thing that happens when, as parents, we cannot look at what is beneath a child's misbehavior. Yes, it leads us to fear and also to guilt, blame or sometimes, shame. The misbehavior ignites all the negative feelings that a parent is experiencing when their child acts out. And to soothe our own feelings we have to extinguish this misbehavior. And one can get to a place of responding rather than reacting to our children's behaviors if we are mindful or our own reactions. And from this place of mindfulness, we can become response-able rather than reactive. We can parent from a place of love and be with our child in the moment.

Parental Reaction to Negative Behavior

In observing parents' behavior in reaction to their children acting out,I have tried to determine what drives the parental reaction of yelling, threatening and demeaning their children. It does not appear to matter the age of the child. Parental expectation is that children, who are being raised by well-intentioned, loving parents will behave properly. Parents seem to believe that even if children are thwarted in achieving a desired outcome, they will accept the "no" response of their parent. It is as though, the adults do not realize that even grown ups do not just accept not being able to get what they want.

I believe that parental acting out comes from a place of fear. It is the fear that they will be judged as inadequate parents. Inadequate to properly supervise, inadequate to "make" their child behave, inadequate to "make" their child respectful, and inadequate to "make" their child tell the truth. And in this space of fear, parents rear, the not so pretty, head of adult power and control. And if we think about it, we can see that using power and control is too often like wielding a club.

For Teachers: Where is the Joy?

Remember the joy of teaching?

(this tip comes from Tom Daly of adhdsolutions.com)

It is impossible to instill a joy of learning in our kids when we
are not feeling joy in our work.

Joy flows downhill. When joy wells up inside us, it impacts our
students! It is contagious!

But, when we are beaten down, and staring at our shoes, our
students are left to emotionally fend for themselves. And, even for
our most resilient kids, being left to emotionally fend for
themselves is a horrible plan that will only make things worse.

Imagine that you are sitting in a big room. Just you. Then, one by
one, every student you have taught or counseled comes in with a
card in their hand. A card they made just for you, straight from
the heart, reminding you of how you changed their lives. Take a
moment to close your eyes and picture those names and faces.

So today, my encouragement is to do these three things:

Focus on those kids.

Focus on those kids.

Focus on those kids.

Forget all the public rhetoric and criticism, and the unfair focus
on test scores as the sole measurement of your worth.

If we focus on how we have impacted our students, it will shield us
from the criticism of what we do each day, and it will keep at bay
all those issues that cloud us from seeing clearly our true
mission: reaching out and saving students around us.

"I wish my sister would go away...forever"

Do you have sibling children who seem to always be in competition for your attention?
Sibling rivalry is very common and so are the many theories of how to handle it. Children who feel love, children who feel seen, children who feel nurtured will allow the same for their sibling. The child who tries to get his /her sibling in trouble, the child who fights to get your attention is the child who NEEDS attention, positive attention. The Beyond Consequences model of parenting has a formula: 10-20-10. Give each child 10 minutes of your undivided attention in the morning, 20 minutes in the afternoon, and 10 minutes in the evening. Do this every day; some days you may only be able to do 5-10-5. The concept is that each of our children need their own time with us. Heather Forbes says that sibling rivalry is an issue between parent and child not child and child.

What happened to the honeymoon...

How many foster and adoptive parents have asked this question when their child who seemed to be fitting in so well to the new family, the new school, the new holiday celebrations, the new home suddenly is defiant, aggressive and destructive? What happened to the child who was so excited about having a new family? Bruce Perry, a neurobiologist and child psychiatrist tells us that when a child is under stress short term memory is suppressed and thinking becomes confused and distorted. One of the things that happens to many children in these situations is that they know, because of their history that life will return to chaos and unpredictability. And you may find that your child becomes defiant, aggressive and perhaps a bit scarey in the things he says and does in order to "provoke" what has become to him predictable. It has been said by family therapists that we are more comfortable with the familiar even if that familiar is awful...the certainty of the awful is better than the uncertainty of the unknown. And this is a perfect example of why a child will increase their disruptive behaviors, when the adults shift from a punitive paradigm to one of love and understanding. And truthfully, it causes adults to decide that parenting or teaching from a love-based perspective, trying to understand that all negative behavior arises from a state of stress and that children do not consciously choose to behave badly doesn't work. If only adults will allow a child the discomfort of the unpredictable and understand that a child's acting out is not from a conscious place, a family can move forward.

A Must Read for Teachers

I am going to copy an entire letter that was sent to Tom Daly who writes Tips for Teachers and has some terrific ideas for managing classrooms. His website is: adhdsolution@gmail.com If any teacher(or actually anyone who works with kids on a regular basis) is looking at this blog during vacation, it is a great inspiration for the new year when you return to your classroom.

Dear Tom,

I have been a teacher since 1968 (with a break for four years to
have my children). I have kept every single "Thank You" or
Christmas card that has been given to me by my students.

Yesterday I was looking for old cards for a Christmas Activity for
the day's lessons and I stopped to take the time to read the
comments that my students had written to me. Overwhelmingly, the
common message in these cards was a student thanking me for taking
the time to "care" about them as an individual.

Many said that they would remember me always because I touched
their heart and gave them hope for the future. There was never a
day that went by when I did not plan how I was going to achieve
this goal. It was time-consuming (in terms of preparation) and I
planned my day right down to how I was going to implement
strategies so that I could engage each child.

My reputation went ahead of me at this private girls school,l and I
can honestly say that I have never raised my voice or had to send a
child to the principal. I believed that if a child reacted
negatively in my class, then I had done something wrong and I took
time to "self-evaluate" my role in each situation. And each time I
believed that I could have handled the situation in a very
different way.

I was never afraid of taking the child aside and calmly
"deconstructing" the incident and negotiating a plan of action (
with the child's input) for the future.

I retired in June but soon realized there was something missing in
my life. And so now I am a relief teacher in the primary schools in
my local area - a very demanding role and very different.

I find it difficult to be able to evaluate the individual needs of
each child in a day's teaching. Then again, you have to remember
that these children have never seen ME before either!

I just completed a month's contract with a class at one of my local
primary schools. This class had a reputation and sending supply
teachers home in tears by lunch time. I never gave up on them and
set my standards very early. I came up with the idea of giving them
a month's challenge to turn the classroom into a Fantasy Land (the
theme of their novel). The students planned how they could achieve
this, they formed committee to construct the displays for each
section of the room, and then they met to bring it all together.
They were really engaged in all this.

On the last day of my contract, the class decorated their room in
bright colors and held a "Fantasy Day" inviting the prep year
students. I had tears in my eyes watching these "tough" children
relate to the younger students and explain their displays in
detail. On the last day of my contract, the principal said that I
had "turned the class around."

I enjoyed the experience so much, I was sad to hand them back to a
teacher who was clearly in need of help. The students showered me
with gifts and cards that totally overwhelmed me.

How did I do it? To be honest, I had never taken time to analyze
my methods when I taught full time, but now, as a relief teacher, I
needed to know.

But here's what it came down to: I simply never gave up on them.
Their normal teacher (who was away because she was experiencing a
"breakdown") called me to say that some of the students (the
naughty ones) improved their marks significantly in that short
time.

To be sure, there were some very testing days (and tears at night),
but I kept saying to myself "Susan, they are just children crying
out for help". I was preparing lessons at night (some nights as
late as 2 a.m.) that catered to the individual needs of the
students (as I saw them).

I think the day that I turned them around was the day I decided to
take a "relaxation session" with them after a lunch break to settle
them down. I was very nervous as these kids thought that they were
"tough." However, I got them to imagine or create a place where
they felt safe. I encouraged them to remember to visit that
place (no matter where they were) whenever they felt unsafe.

This session lasted 5 minutes - some of the tough kids said that it
was "stupid." Within days, they were begging me to do "relaxation
sessions" with them each day.

Every student entered into the spirit and this relaxation time
became their reward for trying their best in all classroom
activities. I endorse your philosophies on behavior management and
reading your ideas has given me the opportunity to do some
self-evaluation. I have always gone beyond the call of duty and it
has been rewarding BUT I am still learning.
Susan

Challenge to Teachers

In early October, on my facebook page: Challenging Children, I posted a challenge to teachers to work for the following couple of months, until winter break, with the child or children in their classroom who provided the greatest challenges. Here is a summary of those tips:
1. Continuously be aware of where children are cognitively, chronologically, AND emotionally. You may have a 5th grader who is behaving like a 3 year old…that child is STRESSED. When we stress, we regress. To admonish a child who is in a stressed out state is foolhardy at best and truly unaware at the least.
‎2. Be a mentor: if you can’t be a mentor for the child, identify another staff person who can be. It will be someone that the child can communicate with. It shouldn’t be someone who will tell them how they should behave; it is someone who will listen.
3. Create structure and routine: predict that when
the routine is going to be disrupted the stressed student/s will regress. Immediate example is a substitute in the class whether it is the classroom teacher or the specials teacher. Consistency and predictability ...are important factors for at-risk/traumatized children.
4. Learn to RESPOND rather than REACT in the midst of behavior issues? Do 3 things: Reflect, Relate,Regulate
5. Be an investigative reporter when it comes to the difficult child/children in your classroom. Ask WHO? WHAT? WHERE? WHEN? AND HOW? WHO was around when the child had the problem? WHAT happened before, during and after the incident? WHERE do the incidents occur? When do things happen? And HOW does it escalate?
6. To be successful with students there is more at stake than a mastery of subject matter and teaching methods, it is all about RELATIONSHIP. If you don't have a relationship with your students, your will not be able to influence them. And if you can't influence them, there will be no learning. If there is no relationship nothing else can matter.
7. When kids are faced with a stressful situation, they move into freeze, fight, flight. Actually, everyone does. There is a momentary freeze to assess the perceived potential danger and then we stay frozen, or we fight, or we leave.
8. Connect in relationship with your students. Negative behavior arises from an emotional state of stress and fear. It is not rational nor logical, it is emotional. Behavior modification is logical and cognitive and will NOT "take" with the kid who is reacting from a state of stress and fear.
9. Be attuned to where each child is in terms of affect; note where you are emotionally when you approach that child who is seemingly off kilter. Be aware that they could be triggered by any sight, smell, touch, sound. Be attentive be that detective searching for the who, what, where and when dysregulation occurs and then be that wise teacher and reach out rather than pushing that child away to the principal and perhaps ultimately in-school or out of school suspension.
10. Let's talk negative feedback loop...you come into classroom from weekend of power shopping, cookie baking, bank account shrinking and you are on the edge. Kids come in, some of them dealing with home stresses: not enough money for the holidays, Grandma's sick and not coming ...for Christmas, auntie's husband's in jail for robbing someone...and progress reports were not good. When teacher's dysregulated state, meets students dysregulation...you are in a negative feedback loop. And it is manifested in the very cells of the body. It is up to you, the adult, the regulator of stress in the classroom to step back, consider where you are at emotionally, think about where in your body you are feeling the stress... and calm yourself so that you can be there for the student/s in your classroom who are at these moments at the emotional age of very young children.
11. The reason kids really enjoy a certain teacher over others is because the teacher LISTENS to students; he RESPECTS students; students are allowed to express THEIR opinions. The teacher LOOKS her students in the eye when she talk to them; the teacher SMILES at his students, and SPEAKS to students when... she sees them in the hall or in the cafeteria or even on the street.
12. Assess your classroom environment for too much stimulation; is there too much instruction time for the challenging student/s; do some assignments need to be simplified for the challenging student/s?

Those of you reading this blog who are parents, I urge you to give some of these suggestions to your child's teacher if he or she struggles with behavior issues in the classroom.

What Do Elephants and Humans Have in Common

On the news last evening there was a segment about the Elephant Orphan Project: http://www.sheldrickwildlifetrust.org/asp/orphans.asp It was all about this amazing project in Africa that has been going on for year to save elephants who are orphaned because of severe drought or poaching. What struck me most were the stories of the relationships between the elephants and their human caregivers. We know that humans are hard wired through the brain to be in relationship, it turns out that the elephant shares that wiring with humans. The caregivers in this compound take care of these young elephants until they are developmentally ready to be on their own. At that point they take them out of the compound to join elephant herds. And contrary to what you might think, the elephants are ready to return to "wild life". I can't help but think that the nurturing that is provided by humans has the same physiological components that elephant parents provide to their calves. The Sheldrick Wild Life Project was started when a young elephant had to be left by his mother because he would not move on with the herd as she was asking him to do...had he not been found by Mr. Sheldrick and nurtured and I mean that in the human sense of taking care of young children he would have died. He needed to be in relationship. Part of the story that was told, was of a young calf who Mrs. Sheldrick had cared for by herself. She left the compound to go on vacation and the young calf died from grief. It was at that point that a change was made in that no single person provides the care of a calf, but there are shifts of caretakers round the clock and they all provide the same schedule and routines, but it is not just one person, so when someone has to leave, another steps in and the calf is already use to several caregivers. And yet, the elephant calves remain in the same environment with the same routines and the same caregivers to assure continuity of caregiving and continuity of relationship.

What Do Elephants and Humans Share?

My Passion

I had an epiphany this evening about how grateful I am to have learned all that I have in the past 5 years about the effect of trauma on the developing brain. How it has so impacted the work that I do with children and families. How certain I am that if we switch the paradigm from using behavioral modification with difficult children to listening to the children, trying to understand what their behavior is conveying, we could actually help them. If we would stop trying to mold behavior, stop trying to change children through punishment and/or reward systems we would be so much further along in our ability to help. How much more fruitful it would be to listen and try to understand at the front end, rather than after we have meted out consequences...how much more loving it would be. And how we would teach children a love-based way of being with one another...Funny, John Lennon said it, and it has been oft repeated..."all we need is love, love; love is all we need".

"You Look Like A Lion Scratched You"

This comment was made by the 10 year old brother of a little 6 year old who has many labels including Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. The child had scratched up her face after having gotten in trouble at school for scratching at the classroom aide. And her face did indeed look like she had been attacked by a very large animal. After the incident at school she had been admonished by her teacher, and a call had been made to her foster mother. When she got home she immediately told her mother what had she had done and then after being talked to about how she shouldn't behave in that way, she was taking a bath and going to bed early and the mom left the bathroom for a minute and when she returned the child had mutilated herself with her fingernails. The horrified parent asked why she had done that and the child stated that she was bad. The foster mother gathered the child up from the bath, dried her off and helped her dress and tended to the scratches on the child's face all the while telling her that she was not bad, that she was a beautiful little girl and that sometimes she got upset and did things she didn't mean to do. The foster mother then set about trying to find out what had happened at school to trigger her child. You see this mom knows that something set her child off; something that her child cannot yet identify and may never be able to identify. This mother tries to be a "sensory detective" to help the teachers, as well as the family be able to see what might begin such an incident...the incident that led to her "attack" on the aide.