What Do Elephants and Humans Share?

My Passion

I had an epiphany this evening about how grateful I am to have learned all that I have in the past 5 years about the effect of trauma on the developing brain. How it has so impacted the work that I do with children and families. How certain I am that if we switch the paradigm from using behavioral modification with difficult children to listening to the children, trying to understand what their behavior is conveying, we could actually help them. If we would stop trying to mold behavior, stop trying to change children through punishment and/or reward systems we would be so much further along in our ability to help. How much more fruitful it would be to listen and try to understand at the front end, rather than after we have meted out consequences...how much more loving it would be. And how we would teach children a love-based way of being with one another...Funny, John Lennon said it, and it has been oft repeated..."all we need is love, love; love is all we need".

"You Look Like A Lion Scratched You"

This comment was made by the 10 year old brother of a little 6 year old who has many labels including Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. The child had scratched up her face after having gotten in trouble at school for scratching at the classroom aide. And her face did indeed look like she had been attacked by a very large animal. After the incident at school she had been admonished by her teacher, and a call had been made to her foster mother. When she got home she immediately told her mother what had she had done and then after being talked to about how she shouldn't behave in that way, she was taking a bath and going to bed early and the mom left the bathroom for a minute and when she returned the child had mutilated herself with her fingernails. The horrified parent asked why she had done that and the child stated that she was bad. The foster mother gathered the child up from the bath, dried her off and helped her dress and tended to the scratches on the child's face all the while telling her that she was not bad, that she was a beautiful little girl and that sometimes she got upset and did things she didn't mean to do. The foster mother then set about trying to find out what had happened at school to trigger her child. You see this mom knows that something set her child off; something that her child cannot yet identify and may never be able to identify. This mother tries to be a "sensory detective" to help the teachers, as well as the family be able to see what might begin such an incident...the incident that led to her "attack" on the aide.

Why Consequences Don't Work...

Consequences and behavior modification often do not work. In the past, we have just tried harder to come up with some "logical" consequence to bad behavior. And when we finally run out of our own ideas, we run to the latest article on changing a child's behavior or to the book store for the newest book. And then, we fall back on what comes easiest, yelling and punitive consequences. Then, the words fly in both directions and in the end, no changes really occur. And there is a reason: negative behavior is neither logical nor rational. It is emotional. Using our rational left brain left-brain [rules, consequences] to move a child out of his right-brain [emotions, fear response] is not effective and is met with resistance that isn't pretty. So what is a parent to do: parents need to see acting out behavior as an emotional response to an internal feeling. Tell your child that you can see he/she is stressed, have them come and sit by you, ask if he's like to take a walk with you. See if perhaps you can learn where the stress is coming from; or if you know tell him that when he acts out like this you know something is really bothering him. Use these moments to connect with your child, not send him away...listen to him even if he is saying things you don't want to hear.

Continued thought...

yesterday's posting is a "Continued Thought" from my facebook page:
Elaine Spicer
This should help you follow the thread...

Thought for the day...cont'd

...I realize that these families provide food, shelter and some nurturing and maybe for some that will be enough. We know, however, that this is more than just big family love-ins…many of these children have hard core emotional issues that translate into behavior issues. Are we doing kids any favors by putting them in families with lots of children? Is it better than having them in small group homes? Is it better to be in a family for a short period of time, until the family is burned out or until the child “burns out” (perhaps literally), the family? Is it better to blend into the woodwork in a large family, never having your issues dealt with really…but, having a family to call your own? The child who can make himself invisible probably is the hypo-aroused child who may self-injure physically or retreat into himself, emotionally.

Best Gift of the Season

The best lasting gift that you can give to your child this holiday season is your time...if you want to strengthen your relationship with your child, if you want to double the fun, extend the love try the Post prescription of 10-20-10. You give your child 10 minutes of quality time every morning before he goes to school (perhaps when you wake him up, you rub his back sitting on his bed and just being there while he wakes up...being present with him); give him 20 minutes when he comes home from school or when you get home from work...20 minutes of just being together, talking about his day, your day, the dog, the snow, the call from Grandma; and then 10 minutes of your time in the evening before bed perhaps reading together, playing with the dog, listening to a song you both like or you know he likes. Did you know that the national average of time that most parents in the US spend with each of their children is only 10 minutes/day? Do this "affection prescription" and you will have given your child 4 times the national average.

Oxytocin Hits the Mainstream

Oxytocin, a hormone known for years to be released in a woman while breast feeding is now being touted in the popular press. Susan Kuchinskas wrote a book in 2009 called "The Chemistry of Connection" and in the book she talks about Oxytocin. Bryan Post(www.postinstitute.com) has been speaking of it for the past couple of years as perhaps the "single most important discovery" for those of us who work with families in the areas of attachment and trauma. In the most recent issue of More Magazine under the section called Best Health Advice of 2010,#9 is entitled: "Stressed? Call Mom". "Simply talking to someone who makes you feel loved releases the bonding hormone oxytocin, which in turn lowers the stress hormone cortisol, according to research conducted at the University of Wisconsin at Madison". Author of the study, and director of the Child Emotion Lab at the university goes on to say that his research indicates that a simple hug or phone call from their moms could soothe a group of jittery girls. The same lessons apply when we're under stress. Our primary caregivers are our source of comfort when we're young, but as we get older, we develop close attachments with partners and friends. After a hard day, the best thing to do is pick up the phone. Just making that contact with someone who makes you feel loved" (and I would add cared about and listened to)"may relax you, if you're very stressed."

Peaceful Schools...

an oxymoron or a real possibility? I feel driven to write about this after fighting broke out in one of our local high schools after a "drug free" schools presentation attempted by our Chief of Police. And it seems, from all reports that this is not a exception in our local school buildings in particular middle school/high schools. There have been all kinds of reasons (excuses) given from lack of parent involvement, to kids who have moved in from other districts and cities. However, there are true underlying reasons for violence: lack of resources both emotional and physical. Young people living in low income areas are, generally speaking, fairly fatalistic in regards to their future. When you talk to young people about where they see themselves after high school...many of them don't. They "don't" see themselves. So talk of how they will wind up in prison or themselves living in poverty unless...is a go nowhere conversation (or more likely a lecture). There is also an underlying fear amongst teachers in inner city schools and many come to school each day dreading the hallway chaos and the possible spill over to their classes. The schools are in a state of disrepair which translates to the student a sense of disregard for them and the rights that they have to clean, well-maintained buildings and grounds. I have some ideas:

1. Address the issues of school violence without blame.
When we blame, we tend to "throw out" the students who are involved in specific incidents sending them off to alternative schools where we can then isolate the culture of violence in one building.
2. When seeking solutions, long and short-term, involve the students. Students want to feel safe in their school, just as much as the adults. The students know more than the adults; they know more because they live the life in and out of school.
3. Really involve the students; give them a role that is real, not just on paper, not just to appease. Incorporate student input into the plans.
4. A culture of respect needs to permeate the schools. Respect goes both ways...but the adults set the pattern.
5. Respond quickly and CONSISTENTLY to disregard for rules. Rules which are not only posted, but talked about on a regular basis AND reviewed with students input.
6.Give up punitive reaction to infringement of rules. They don't work. To exclude and humiliate has not been effective. This form of discipline is reactionary and does not promote long term change in individual students, nor in the culture of the schools.

Challenge

I am all about challenges these days. I just finished a 2 session parenting series on the Beyond Logic and Consequences book and the Stress Model. I gave a challenge to the parents attending the workshop to choose one behavior they would like help in dealing with. One behavior that a child displays that just drives the parents to distraction. And I have given teachers a 10 week challenge to change their classroom from stress to calm by working with the challenging student/students (see more on Challenging Children Facebook page). My parents in the workshop are looking at 2 months to turn around a behavior that their child/children are displaying. One single behavior. This includes anything from lying to smearing feces in the bedroom and lots of behaviors in between that are still to be identified.

Challenge to readers of this blog: take the challenge and write to me about one behavior that your child displays that you find absolutely unacceptable. I promise to guide you step by step through emails for 2 months. You can email me at connecthrulove@gmail.com I look forward to hearing from you...I look forward to the CHALLENGE! Remember trauma that occurred in the context of relationship can only be healed in the context of relationship. It cannot be healed by consequences...it can only be healed by love.

Aged out of Foster Care

There are many, many children in our country who have gone into foster care or residential treatment and have no families to support them once they reach age 18. It is referred to as "aging out of the system." There are several charitable organizations that have been set up to help these kids. Check out this website: http://charityguide.org/volunteer/fewhours/age-out.htm and see how you might be able to help this very desperate, young population. You will be helping kids who will may otherwise be on the streets without any positive role models.

"Trying Differently Rather Than Harder"

The book "Trying Differently Rather Than Harder" is a must read for anyone dealing with a child or children who may fall under Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder diagnosis. For that matter, it is a must read for anyone dealing with a child who has severe behaviors because it speaks to the issues of neurological disorders of most of the mental health diagnoses given to children with behavior problems. It is available through Amazon or through www.FASCETS.org It is less than 100 pages long and very readable.

REFLECT, RELATE, AND REGULATE

If you are following my facebook page: Challenging Children you will see the Tip of the Week for teachers define these 3 words. And it is an intervention to use with difficult (read severe) behaviors in any and all circumstances. If you can do these three steps when dealing with your out of control child, you will find yourself responding rather than reacting AND your child WILL be calmed. She will be calmed if she has any label...e.g. Oppositional Defiant, ADHD, PTSD, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, etc. She will be calmed if she is lying to you, if she is stealing, if she is being rude and disrespectful. You are probably thinking right now that if these interventions are all things that I have to do, what has it got to do with my child? I don't need to change my behavior, she does! I can give you a 100% guarantee that if you react in a negative way to your child's misbehavior, the situation will escalate. Likewise, I can give you a 100% guarantee that if you can get yourself into a place of responding instead of reacting, you will communicate that calm to your child and interrupt the negative cycle you are in with your child.

Verbal First Aid

Check outhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-simon-prager-phd/keeping-crises-from-becom_b_737465.html to learn about minimizing the effects of trauma. In particular, scroll down to The Firefighter and the Little Girl. And then stay tuned for information about the newly recognized (note: not newly produced) hormone called Oxytocin. It is the hormone which connects us to one another in a positive way but a hormone that our brain is taught to release.

Facebook

I want to announce my new facebook page which I hope will draw comments about my postings. It can be found by searching for Challenging Children. I had hoped to call it Connect Thru Love, but a very wise friend pointed out that I might be getting "hits" on the site that would be quite unwelcome. I will continue the blog, of course, and perhaps draw more people here as well as to facebook.

Taking the Lead

Saw a terrific film last night that so speaks to emotional regulation that I just had to write at least one thing about it this morning. The movie is called "Taking the Lead" and it is about Pierre Dulaine who has brought the concept of teaching ballroom dancing to school children. And Peter Dulaine is a real person who did do this in a New York school, I believe in l994. He brought his concept to the inner city and to kids who deal with the stress and traumas of life every single day. And not only in true Hollywood fashion, but in real life fashion of what it really takes, he was able to get through to many of the children and help make changes in their lives. And his formula seems to be quite simple really: he wants to create a safe place, have clear boundaries, have a teacher who is fully present with his/her students all of the time he is with them and most importantly have respect and compassion. WOW! And in doing all of this, Mr. Dulaine is calming the stress and diminishing the negative behavior.

First Grader Suspended

I had a call from a 1st grade teacher today who was very concerned about behaviors from one of the little girls in her first grade classroom. The child is new to the school and the family is new to the area in just the couple of weeks before school began. They have had to move in with family because the mother has a chronic illness and isn't able to manage on her own. There are two children, the 1st grader and a boy who is in 3rd grade and doesn't seem to be having any problems. The child was suspended when she bit an Assistant Principal. She has pushed other children, pushed over her chair, refused to follow directions. This teacher desperately wants to be able to do what is right for this child, but has a classroom of 28 students! There is a behavioral program in place in the classroom that uses the stoplight sticks to track behaviors and the students are responsible for moving their own sticks when prompted by the teacher.

How can this teacher respond to the needs of 28 children and have to spend so much time on the behavior of one child? The answer is that responding to this child instead of reacting to her will cut down on the amount of time she spends correcting behavior. This is how it works: children's behaviors are a means of communication. All children want to please adults. They do not want to be in trouble; they desperately want to get it right. This particular student is under a tremendous amount of stress and she is not thinking through situations because she can't. Her short term memory is suppressed by the part of the brain that reacts out of stress. In order to help this child and bring order back into the classroom, the teacher needs to help calm the child's stress and in doing so, the behavior will diminish. A reassuring touch on the shoulder to redirect the child when she seems off task; a school mentor that she can hook up with when she is obviously out of sorts; someone who will invite her to their room to have lunch; jobs to do in the classroom (this is a child who likes to be helpful). Perhaps knowing she can call home in the middle of the day to check on Mom on a day when the child seems particularly rattled; all of this will go a long way toward diminishing the stress. Stay tuned and in the next couple of weeks, I will check in for an update.

FREE,FREE,FREE...

Free all day training with Heather Forbes: Heather will be in Fort Wayne Indiana on September 11, 2010 to present for an entire day on the theories and methods presented in the book Beyond Consequences Logic and Control. The training is free, with a copy in hand, of Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control Volume I, or Volume II. For those of you, who are out of the area, check on the Beyond Consequences link on the right side of this blog, for other dates and places around the country. The Beyond Consequences Live training was my first formal introduction to Heather and that was five years ago...my way of doing therapy/coaching and my way of "doing" all relationship changed. Be prepared to shake up your world. And when Heather says 9:00-4:00 believe that it will be an intense, packed with useful information, day. AND the information is more practical than theoretical...you can use it immediately!!!!

The Stress Model

ANNOUNCEMENT:
On Thursday evening Bryan Post will give another FREE (!!) Webinar and you are invited to listen in. You do have to register to get all the information on how to get on to the Webinar.
https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/937083354

Time for Own Bed?

QUESTION:
My 5 year old adopted son has slept with me since he was a baby. I believe that it helped us "attach" but, now he is sleeping the "wrong way" on the bed and it feels like it is time for time to move to his own bed in his own room. Do you have any suggestions to help with the transition? We did buy "Spiderman sheets" so he can "protect him" while he sleeps but, he still wants to snuggle with mommy.

ANSWER:
Well, the first order of business, which I'm sure you've already done, is to "right" him, i.e. move him around when he moves into the "wrong way". And do that without any fanfare. Next, to begin the process of transitioning him to sleeping alone in his own room, lay down with him in his bed until he falls asleep. If he should wake up in the night and wander back into your room, just gently lead him back, lay with him for a bit again and then go back to your bed. It may take many nights of doing this and if you feel that it interrupts your sleep patterns too much if he gets up in the middle of the night, then perhaps the next best thing would be to bring his mattress to your room and put it beside your bed. Do this until he is comfortable sleeping along and then reintroduce him to his own bed in his own room. Do expect this to take quite a while until he is comfortable sleeping alone. Remember he has been in the "family bed" his entire life.

Let me know how it goes.