"Real LIfe" has consequences...

Question: If I don't give my child consequences, she will never learn that all behavior has consequences even for adults. How can she learn this life lesson if we are always giving into her outrageous and unacceptable behavior?

Answer: Great question and I'm so glad you asked. Let's revisit the definition of trauma: any event that is unexpected, unprocessed, prolonged, and misunderstood is long term trauma. Examples are: abuse/neglect, medical procedures, divorce, separation from loved ones, placement in foster care, frequent moves, serious accidents, death of loved one, community violence, domestic violence. Children who have experienced any, many, or perhaps even all these life traumas, react before they respond in many situations. A child of trauma who has just hit her baby brother is not in a state of regulation and is unable to process consequences. When she hit him, she was in a state of stress because of unprocessed and misunderstood trauma. She will not learn any lesson until she is regulated. And simply learning that it is not acceptable to hit others, does nothing to heal her trauma. And most importantly it will not "stick" as a life lesson no matter what consequence is meted out. If as the parent or caregiver you are able to help her come into a regulated state, help her to understand that she isn't being threatened, she is safe and you are helping her to be safe she will begin to learn self regulation. If our child is late for school, the consequences will not necessarily help him to be on time. What helps him learn to be on time is learning how to wake up his body a bit earlier, get himself in a regulated state to face the day. Remember that the word "discipline" means to teach. Dr. Bruce Perry states: "the more you can see the world from your child's point of view and the safer you can make him feel, the better his behavior is likely to be and the more likely you are to find ways of further improving it."

Empathy

Question:
What causes a child not to care whether they hurt another person or animal for that matter?

Answer:
I have received many questions regarding lack of empathy in children with trauma histories and parents are genuinely concerned that if their child cannot feel empathy for another person when that person is hurting, that they may literally grow up without a conscience. This question obviously comes up most often when the child has hurt another child or adult with words or fists or by kicking. The child shows no remorse and the parent is pretty horrified AND frightened.

Remember that when a child is stressed and in a fear-based state they are not thinking clearly. The thinking part of their brains have been hijacked by the part of the brain that stores trauma. And even though you may not have seen the behavior coming and may not know the trigger, you shouldn't assume that there was no trigger and that you are simply raising a mean child who has no conscience. Stress builds up and flies out almost in the form of a monster.

The only way to help yourself to NOT panic in this situation (we panic because we have visions of our child doing something truly horrible when he/she is a teenager or adult), is to step back and breathe, yep...B-R-E-A-T-H-E , 3 deep ones. And then go to your child and help him calm, just as you have calmed yourself. Don't tell him what he has done and how hurtful he is being. He knows what he's done, but he doesn't know why and he doesn't know how to get calm. You may be tempted to send him to his room or off in a corner, but unless that is what he indicates he needs to do, stay with him, if you can and talk quietly to him, letting him know that you can tell he is really, really, stressed out (use whatever words he understands for stress/dysregulation/fear). And he is going to be okay (it is important that you believe it, or he never will believe that he will be okay).

Look for next posting on: If there are no consequences, won't a child feel that he has all the control?

Sibling Traumatized by Adoption

The post today comes directly from an e newsletter put out by Heather Forbes of the Beyond Consequences Institute. It contains a great question and Heather's answer which, to say speaks directly to the point of love based parenting, would be an understatement.

For the past three years, our 16-year-old daughter, Jackie, has had to deal with the complete chaos of her younger adopted sister who was severely traumatized before we adopted her. Jackie was an only child before my husband and I adopted and my world revolved around Jackie. We lived a relatively peaceful, fun, and happy life. All of that drastically changed once her sister entered our family. I realize now that Jackie has been traumatized by the disruption, fear, and struggles our family has endured. What can I do to help my daughter, without dismissing the trauma she has gone through?

A: You're exactly right when your say Jackie's trauma of living with a severely traumatized younger sister cannot be dismissed. In fact, her experience needs to be maximized and brought to the surface in order for her to find healing. Jackie needs the emotional space to be heard and to be understood.

However, listening to your daughter's challenges can easily evoke feelings of guilt, shame, and perhaps, resentment in you. When this happens, all too often, parents inadvertently stop listening and work to minimize or stop their child's pain, closing off this child's needed opportunity to have a voice.

The first place to start is to realize that you cannot fix Jackie's experiences from the past three years. What is, is. Yet, what you can do is work to understand her experiences (getting into her shoes) and giving her the time, patience, and emotional space to discharge ALL of her feelings.

It takes being willing to commiserate with her and allowing her to express her story, not just at the cognitive level, but at the emotional level. Absorbing her pain means not responding in a defensive or a minimizing manner and not giving her solutions for the moment (that can come later).

A conversation might sound something like this:

Mom: "Sweetheart, there is something that I haven't recognized about your life. I haven't seen how difficult it has been for you since your sister came home. For the last three years, especially when she came home, I ignored you, I didn't pay the same amount of attention to you, and I wasn't there for you."

Jackie: "You just care for her more than you do for me!"

Mom: "Is that what it feels like?"

Jackie: "Yes! She gets ALL the attention. You sleep with her, you cater to her every need, and you spend all your time with her."

Mom: "I do. And where does that leave you?"

Jackie: "With NOTHING! Everything I ever had is gone. I'm MAD. I'm so tired of her. I'm tired of her meltdowns. I love her but I don't love her and I want it to go back to the way it was before she was here. I don't want it to be this way."

Mom: "I hear you, honey. Tell me more. Tell me how hard this has been for you because I've expected you to be the grown up in this. Tell me how that's not fair to you."

Jackie: "It isn't fair. She embarrasses me. She can't do anything. WE can't do anything and our whole life is centered around everything that SHE ever does. We can't do anything we used to do. Everything is different. I just want it to go back; I just want it to go back to the way it was before."

Mom: "I know....." (quietly pausing and working to stay present with her daughter)

Jackie: "I'm angry."

Mom: "Are you angry at me and dad for doing this? Tell me. I can handle your anger. I want you to give it all out to me. I haven't known how angry you are at me...I'm okay with it. Tell me 'I'm mad at you, mom!'"

Jackie: "I'm mad. I'm mad at everything. I hate that you and dad did this to me. Why didn't you love me enough not to mess up my entire life??!!?"

This conversation might need to continue for a while, each time with mom "dancing" with whatever her daughter says in return, allowing her daughter to lead the conversation. Yet, the most important part of such a dialogue is that it happens with emotional intensity, at the heart level.

Allowing Jackie the safety of a parent who is present and working to just listen, will allow her to discharge her anger, pain, and frustration now and not in the heat of a difficult moment when her sister is melting down.

But perhaps you are saying that you've tried this and these types of conversations happen over and over without movement forward.

If this is the case, then you have to dig deeper. Are you stopping your daughter at any level? Are you really able to handle her anger and pain? What feelings inside of you are coming up when she is expressing? Guilt? Fear of the future? Helplessness?

Feeling the depth of your child's pain in these moments, coupled with your own dark feelings that have not been honored or expressed, will shut you down. Your daughter will feel this. Thus, her expression is not being heard and she stays stuck in her healing process. Then conversations like the one above will keep looping and looping, keeping everyone in a state of victimhood.

You have to allow your pain to be felt, honored, and understood. In order for you to feel your child's pain, you have to feel your own pain first. This can be scary. It may seem that if you feel the depth of pain within you, opening up the floodgates, you won't be able to parent effectively and you won't be able to pull it together.

Ironically, this is exactly what keeps parents from being able to parent the way their children need them to. Parents have to go deep within the caverns of their own hearts. They have to own and acknowledge their own pain.

Parents have to stay in their hearts; that is where their children are living.

Effective parenting ultimately comes from self-love, self-discovery, and self-understanding. Love yourself through your pain in order to get to the depth of your child's pain. Healing resides within this powerful dynamic.

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, and Dare to Love

P.S. Check out our newest Ask the Expert interview with Claudia Roberts. Just click on the link to start listening. http://www.asktheexpertinterviews.com