A Must Read for Teachers

I am going to copy an entire letter that was sent to Tom Daly who writes Tips for Teachers and has some terrific ideas for managing classrooms. His website is: adhdsolution@gmail.com If any teacher(or actually anyone who works with kids on a regular basis) is looking at this blog during vacation, it is a great inspiration for the new year when you return to your classroom.

Dear Tom,

I have been a teacher since 1968 (with a break for four years to
have my children). I have kept every single "Thank You" or
Christmas card that has been given to me by my students.

Yesterday I was looking for old cards for a Christmas Activity for
the day's lessons and I stopped to take the time to read the
comments that my students had written to me. Overwhelmingly, the
common message in these cards was a student thanking me for taking
the time to "care" about them as an individual.

Many said that they would remember me always because I touched
their heart and gave them hope for the future. There was never a
day that went by when I did not plan how I was going to achieve
this goal. It was time-consuming (in terms of preparation) and I
planned my day right down to how I was going to implement
strategies so that I could engage each child.

My reputation went ahead of me at this private girls school,l and I
can honestly say that I have never raised my voice or had to send a
child to the principal. I believed that if a child reacted
negatively in my class, then I had done something wrong and I took
time to "self-evaluate" my role in each situation. And each time I
believed that I could have handled the situation in a very
different way.

I was never afraid of taking the child aside and calmly
"deconstructing" the incident and negotiating a plan of action (
with the child's input) for the future.

I retired in June but soon realized there was something missing in
my life. And so now I am a relief teacher in the primary schools in
my local area - a very demanding role and very different.

I find it difficult to be able to evaluate the individual needs of
each child in a day's teaching. Then again, you have to remember
that these children have never seen ME before either!

I just completed a month's contract with a class at one of my local
primary schools. This class had a reputation and sending supply
teachers home in tears by lunch time. I never gave up on them and
set my standards very early. I came up with the idea of giving them
a month's challenge to turn the classroom into a Fantasy Land (the
theme of their novel). The students planned how they could achieve
this, they formed committee to construct the displays for each
section of the room, and then they met to bring it all together.
They were really engaged in all this.

On the last day of my contract, the class decorated their room in
bright colors and held a "Fantasy Day" inviting the prep year
students. I had tears in my eyes watching these "tough" children
relate to the younger students and explain their displays in
detail. On the last day of my contract, the principal said that I
had "turned the class around."

I enjoyed the experience so much, I was sad to hand them back to a
teacher who was clearly in need of help. The students showered me
with gifts and cards that totally overwhelmed me.

How did I do it? To be honest, I had never taken time to analyze
my methods when I taught full time, but now, as a relief teacher, I
needed to know.

But here's what it came down to: I simply never gave up on them.
Their normal teacher (who was away because she was experiencing a
"breakdown") called me to say that some of the students (the
naughty ones) improved their marks significantly in that short
time.

To be sure, there were some very testing days (and tears at night),
but I kept saying to myself "Susan, they are just children crying
out for help". I was preparing lessons at night (some nights as
late as 2 a.m.) that catered to the individual needs of the
students (as I saw them).

I think the day that I turned them around was the day I decided to
take a "relaxation session" with them after a lunch break to settle
them down. I was very nervous as these kids thought that they were
"tough." However, I got them to imagine or create a place where
they felt safe. I encouraged them to remember to visit that
place (no matter where they were) whenever they felt unsafe.

This session lasted 5 minutes - some of the tough kids said that it
was "stupid." Within days, they were begging me to do "relaxation
sessions" with them each day.

Every student entered into the spirit and this relaxation time
became their reward for trying their best in all classroom
activities. I endorse your philosophies on behavior management and
reading your ideas has given me the opportunity to do some
self-evaluation. I have always gone beyond the call of duty and it
has been rewarding BUT I am still learning.
Susan

Challenge to Teachers

In early October, on my facebook page: Challenging Children, I posted a challenge to teachers to work for the following couple of months, until winter break, with the child or children in their classroom who provided the greatest challenges. Here is a summary of those tips:
1. Continuously be aware of where children are cognitively, chronologically, AND emotionally. You may have a 5th grader who is behaving like a 3 year old…that child is STRESSED. When we stress, we regress. To admonish a child who is in a stressed out state is foolhardy at best and truly unaware at the least.
‎2. Be a mentor: if you can’t be a mentor for the child, identify another staff person who can be. It will be someone that the child can communicate with. It shouldn’t be someone who will tell them how they should behave; it is someone who will listen.
3. Create structure and routine: predict that when
the routine is going to be disrupted the stressed student/s will regress. Immediate example is a substitute in the class whether it is the classroom teacher or the specials teacher. Consistency and predictability ...are important factors for at-risk/traumatized children.
4. Learn to RESPOND rather than REACT in the midst of behavior issues? Do 3 things: Reflect, Relate,Regulate
5. Be an investigative reporter when it comes to the difficult child/children in your classroom. Ask WHO? WHAT? WHERE? WHEN? AND HOW? WHO was around when the child had the problem? WHAT happened before, during and after the incident? WHERE do the incidents occur? When do things happen? And HOW does it escalate?
6. To be successful with students there is more at stake than a mastery of subject matter and teaching methods, it is all about RELATIONSHIP. If you don't have a relationship with your students, your will not be able to influence them. And if you can't influence them, there will be no learning. If there is no relationship nothing else can matter.
7. When kids are faced with a stressful situation, they move into freeze, fight, flight. Actually, everyone does. There is a momentary freeze to assess the perceived potential danger and then we stay frozen, or we fight, or we leave.
8. Connect in relationship with your students. Negative behavior arises from an emotional state of stress and fear. It is not rational nor logical, it is emotional. Behavior modification is logical and cognitive and will NOT "take" with the kid who is reacting from a state of stress and fear.
9. Be attuned to where each child is in terms of affect; note where you are emotionally when you approach that child who is seemingly off kilter. Be aware that they could be triggered by any sight, smell, touch, sound. Be attentive be that detective searching for the who, what, where and when dysregulation occurs and then be that wise teacher and reach out rather than pushing that child away to the principal and perhaps ultimately in-school or out of school suspension.
10. Let's talk negative feedback loop...you come into classroom from weekend of power shopping, cookie baking, bank account shrinking and you are on the edge. Kids come in, some of them dealing with home stresses: not enough money for the holidays, Grandma's sick and not coming ...for Christmas, auntie's husband's in jail for robbing someone...and progress reports were not good. When teacher's dysregulated state, meets students dysregulation...you are in a negative feedback loop. And it is manifested in the very cells of the body. It is up to you, the adult, the regulator of stress in the classroom to step back, consider where you are at emotionally, think about where in your body you are feeling the stress... and calm yourself so that you can be there for the student/s in your classroom who are at these moments at the emotional age of very young children.
11. The reason kids really enjoy a certain teacher over others is because the teacher LISTENS to students; he RESPECTS students; students are allowed to express THEIR opinions. The teacher LOOKS her students in the eye when she talk to them; the teacher SMILES at his students, and SPEAKS to students when... she sees them in the hall or in the cafeteria or even on the street.
12. Assess your classroom environment for too much stimulation; is there too much instruction time for the challenging student/s; do some assignments need to be simplified for the challenging student/s?

Those of you reading this blog who are parents, I urge you to give some of these suggestions to your child's teacher if he or she struggles with behavior issues in the classroom.

What Do Elephants and Humans Have in Common

On the news last evening there was a segment about the Elephant Orphan Project: http://www.sheldrickwildlifetrust.org/asp/orphans.asp It was all about this amazing project in Africa that has been going on for year to save elephants who are orphaned because of severe drought or poaching. What struck me most were the stories of the relationships between the elephants and their human caregivers. We know that humans are hard wired through the brain to be in relationship, it turns out that the elephant shares that wiring with humans. The caregivers in this compound take care of these young elephants until they are developmentally ready to be on their own. At that point they take them out of the compound to join elephant herds. And contrary to what you might think, the elephants are ready to return to "wild life". I can't help but think that the nurturing that is provided by humans has the same physiological components that elephant parents provide to their calves. The Sheldrick Wild Life Project was started when a young elephant had to be left by his mother because he would not move on with the herd as she was asking him to do...had he not been found by Mr. Sheldrick and nurtured and I mean that in the human sense of taking care of young children he would have died. He needed to be in relationship. Part of the story that was told, was of a young calf who Mrs. Sheldrick had cared for by herself. She left the compound to go on vacation and the young calf died from grief. It was at that point that a change was made in that no single person provides the care of a calf, but there are shifts of caretakers round the clock and they all provide the same schedule and routines, but it is not just one person, so when someone has to leave, another steps in and the calf is already use to several caregivers. And yet, the elephant calves remain in the same environment with the same routines and the same caregivers to assure continuity of caregiving and continuity of relationship.

What Do Elephants and Humans Share?

My Passion

I had an epiphany this evening about how grateful I am to have learned all that I have in the past 5 years about the effect of trauma on the developing brain. How it has so impacted the work that I do with children and families. How certain I am that if we switch the paradigm from using behavioral modification with difficult children to listening to the children, trying to understand what their behavior is conveying, we could actually help them. If we would stop trying to mold behavior, stop trying to change children through punishment and/or reward systems we would be so much further along in our ability to help. How much more fruitful it would be to listen and try to understand at the front end, rather than after we have meted out consequences...how much more loving it would be. And how we would teach children a love-based way of being with one another...Funny, John Lennon said it, and it has been oft repeated..."all we need is love, love; love is all we need".

"You Look Like A Lion Scratched You"

This comment was made by the 10 year old brother of a little 6 year old who has many labels including Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. The child had scratched up her face after having gotten in trouble at school for scratching at the classroom aide. And her face did indeed look like she had been attacked by a very large animal. After the incident at school she had been admonished by her teacher, and a call had been made to her foster mother. When she got home she immediately told her mother what had she had done and then after being talked to about how she shouldn't behave in that way, she was taking a bath and going to bed early and the mom left the bathroom for a minute and when she returned the child had mutilated herself with her fingernails. The horrified parent asked why she had done that and the child stated that she was bad. The foster mother gathered the child up from the bath, dried her off and helped her dress and tended to the scratches on the child's face all the while telling her that she was not bad, that she was a beautiful little girl and that sometimes she got upset and did things she didn't mean to do. The foster mother then set about trying to find out what had happened at school to trigger her child. You see this mom knows that something set her child off; something that her child cannot yet identify and may never be able to identify. This mother tries to be a "sensory detective" to help the teachers, as well as the family be able to see what might begin such an incident...the incident that led to her "attack" on the aide.

Why Consequences Don't Work...

Consequences and behavior modification often do not work. In the past, we have just tried harder to come up with some "logical" consequence to bad behavior. And when we finally run out of our own ideas, we run to the latest article on changing a child's behavior or to the book store for the newest book. And then, we fall back on what comes easiest, yelling and punitive consequences. Then, the words fly in both directions and in the end, no changes really occur. And there is a reason: negative behavior is neither logical nor rational. It is emotional. Using our rational left brain left-brain [rules, consequences] to move a child out of his right-brain [emotions, fear response] is not effective and is met with resistance that isn't pretty. So what is a parent to do: parents need to see acting out behavior as an emotional response to an internal feeling. Tell your child that you can see he/she is stressed, have them come and sit by you, ask if he's like to take a walk with you. See if perhaps you can learn where the stress is coming from; or if you know tell him that when he acts out like this you know something is really bothering him. Use these moments to connect with your child, not send him away...listen to him even if he is saying things you don't want to hear.

Continued thought...

yesterday's posting is a "Continued Thought" from my facebook page:
Elaine Spicer
This should help you follow the thread...

Thought for the day...cont'd

...I realize that these families provide food, shelter and some nurturing and maybe for some that will be enough. We know, however, that this is more than just big family love-ins…many of these children have hard core emotional issues that translate into behavior issues. Are we doing kids any favors by putting them in families with lots of children? Is it better than having them in small group homes? Is it better to be in a family for a short period of time, until the family is burned out or until the child “burns out” (perhaps literally), the family? Is it better to blend into the woodwork in a large family, never having your issues dealt with really…but, having a family to call your own? The child who can make himself invisible probably is the hypo-aroused child who may self-injure physically or retreat into himself, emotionally.

Best Gift of the Season

The best lasting gift that you can give to your child this holiday season is your time...if you want to strengthen your relationship with your child, if you want to double the fun, extend the love try the Post prescription of 10-20-10. You give your child 10 minutes of quality time every morning before he goes to school (perhaps when you wake him up, you rub his back sitting on his bed and just being there while he wakes up...being present with him); give him 20 minutes when he comes home from school or when you get home from work...20 minutes of just being together, talking about his day, your day, the dog, the snow, the call from Grandma; and then 10 minutes of your time in the evening before bed perhaps reading together, playing with the dog, listening to a song you both like or you know he likes. Did you know that the national average of time that most parents in the US spend with each of their children is only 10 minutes/day? Do this "affection prescription" and you will have given your child 4 times the national average.

Oxytocin Hits the Mainstream

Oxytocin, a hormone known for years to be released in a woman while breast feeding is now being touted in the popular press. Susan Kuchinskas wrote a book in 2009 called "The Chemistry of Connection" and in the book she talks about Oxytocin. Bryan Post(www.postinstitute.com) has been speaking of it for the past couple of years as perhaps the "single most important discovery" for those of us who work with families in the areas of attachment and trauma. In the most recent issue of More Magazine under the section called Best Health Advice of 2010,#9 is entitled: "Stressed? Call Mom". "Simply talking to someone who makes you feel loved releases the bonding hormone oxytocin, which in turn lowers the stress hormone cortisol, according to research conducted at the University of Wisconsin at Madison". Author of the study, and director of the Child Emotion Lab at the university goes on to say that his research indicates that a simple hug or phone call from their moms could soothe a group of jittery girls. The same lessons apply when we're under stress. Our primary caregivers are our source of comfort when we're young, but as we get older, we develop close attachments with partners and friends. After a hard day, the best thing to do is pick up the phone. Just making that contact with someone who makes you feel loved" (and I would add cared about and listened to)"may relax you, if you're very stressed."

Peaceful Schools...

an oxymoron or a real possibility? I feel driven to write about this after fighting broke out in one of our local high schools after a "drug free" schools presentation attempted by our Chief of Police. And it seems, from all reports that this is not a exception in our local school buildings in particular middle school/high schools. There have been all kinds of reasons (excuses) given from lack of parent involvement, to kids who have moved in from other districts and cities. However, there are true underlying reasons for violence: lack of resources both emotional and physical. Young people living in low income areas are, generally speaking, fairly fatalistic in regards to their future. When you talk to young people about where they see themselves after high school...many of them don't. They "don't" see themselves. So talk of how they will wind up in prison or themselves living in poverty unless...is a go nowhere conversation (or more likely a lecture). There is also an underlying fear amongst teachers in inner city schools and many come to school each day dreading the hallway chaos and the possible spill over to their classes. The schools are in a state of disrepair which translates to the student a sense of disregard for them and the rights that they have to clean, well-maintained buildings and grounds. I have some ideas:

1. Address the issues of school violence without blame.
When we blame, we tend to "throw out" the students who are involved in specific incidents sending them off to alternative schools where we can then isolate the culture of violence in one building.
2. When seeking solutions, long and short-term, involve the students. Students want to feel safe in their school, just as much as the adults. The students know more than the adults; they know more because they live the life in and out of school.
3. Really involve the students; give them a role that is real, not just on paper, not just to appease. Incorporate student input into the plans.
4. A culture of respect needs to permeate the schools. Respect goes both ways...but the adults set the pattern.
5. Respond quickly and CONSISTENTLY to disregard for rules. Rules which are not only posted, but talked about on a regular basis AND reviewed with students input.
6.Give up punitive reaction to infringement of rules. They don't work. To exclude and humiliate has not been effective. This form of discipline is reactionary and does not promote long term change in individual students, nor in the culture of the schools.

Challenge

I am all about challenges these days. I just finished a 2 session parenting series on the Beyond Logic and Consequences book and the Stress Model. I gave a challenge to the parents attending the workshop to choose one behavior they would like help in dealing with. One behavior that a child displays that just drives the parents to distraction. And I have given teachers a 10 week challenge to change their classroom from stress to calm by working with the challenging student/students (see more on Challenging Children Facebook page). My parents in the workshop are looking at 2 months to turn around a behavior that their child/children are displaying. One single behavior. This includes anything from lying to smearing feces in the bedroom and lots of behaviors in between that are still to be identified.

Challenge to readers of this blog: take the challenge and write to me about one behavior that your child displays that you find absolutely unacceptable. I promise to guide you step by step through emails for 2 months. You can email me at connecthrulove@gmail.com I look forward to hearing from you...I look forward to the CHALLENGE! Remember trauma that occurred in the context of relationship can only be healed in the context of relationship. It cannot be healed by consequences...it can only be healed by love.

Aged out of Foster Care

There are many, many children in our country who have gone into foster care or residential treatment and have no families to support them once they reach age 18. It is referred to as "aging out of the system." There are several charitable organizations that have been set up to help these kids. Check out this website: http://charityguide.org/volunteer/fewhours/age-out.htm and see how you might be able to help this very desperate, young population. You will be helping kids who will may otherwise be on the streets without any positive role models.

"Trying Differently Rather Than Harder"

The book "Trying Differently Rather Than Harder" is a must read for anyone dealing with a child or children who may fall under Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder diagnosis. For that matter, it is a must read for anyone dealing with a child who has severe behaviors because it speaks to the issues of neurological disorders of most of the mental health diagnoses given to children with behavior problems. It is available through Amazon or through www.FASCETS.org It is less than 100 pages long and very readable.

REFLECT, RELATE, AND REGULATE

If you are following my facebook page: Challenging Children you will see the Tip of the Week for teachers define these 3 words. And it is an intervention to use with difficult (read severe) behaviors in any and all circumstances. If you can do these three steps when dealing with your out of control child, you will find yourself responding rather than reacting AND your child WILL be calmed. She will be calmed if she has any label...e.g. Oppositional Defiant, ADHD, PTSD, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, etc. She will be calmed if she is lying to you, if she is stealing, if she is being rude and disrespectful. You are probably thinking right now that if these interventions are all things that I have to do, what has it got to do with my child? I don't need to change my behavior, she does! I can give you a 100% guarantee that if you react in a negative way to your child's misbehavior, the situation will escalate. Likewise, I can give you a 100% guarantee that if you can get yourself into a place of responding instead of reacting, you will communicate that calm to your child and interrupt the negative cycle you are in with your child.

Verbal First Aid

Check outhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-simon-prager-phd/keeping-crises-from-becom_b_737465.html to learn about minimizing the effects of trauma. In particular, scroll down to The Firefighter and the Little Girl. And then stay tuned for information about the newly recognized (note: not newly produced) hormone called Oxytocin. It is the hormone which connects us to one another in a positive way but a hormone that our brain is taught to release.

Facebook

I want to announce my new facebook page which I hope will draw comments about my postings. It can be found by searching for Challenging Children. I had hoped to call it Connect Thru Love, but a very wise friend pointed out that I might be getting "hits" on the site that would be quite unwelcome. I will continue the blog, of course, and perhaps draw more people here as well as to facebook.

Taking the Lead

Saw a terrific film last night that so speaks to emotional regulation that I just had to write at least one thing about it this morning. The movie is called "Taking the Lead" and it is about Pierre Dulaine who has brought the concept of teaching ballroom dancing to school children. And Peter Dulaine is a real person who did do this in a New York school, I believe in l994. He brought his concept to the inner city and to kids who deal with the stress and traumas of life every single day. And not only in true Hollywood fashion, but in real life fashion of what it really takes, he was able to get through to many of the children and help make changes in their lives. And his formula seems to be quite simple really: he wants to create a safe place, have clear boundaries, have a teacher who is fully present with his/her students all of the time he is with them and most importantly have respect and compassion. WOW! And in doing all of this, Mr. Dulaine is calming the stress and diminishing the negative behavior.

First Grader Suspended

I had a call from a 1st grade teacher today who was very concerned about behaviors from one of the little girls in her first grade classroom. The child is new to the school and the family is new to the area in just the couple of weeks before school began. They have had to move in with family because the mother has a chronic illness and isn't able to manage on her own. There are two children, the 1st grader and a boy who is in 3rd grade and doesn't seem to be having any problems. The child was suspended when she bit an Assistant Principal. She has pushed other children, pushed over her chair, refused to follow directions. This teacher desperately wants to be able to do what is right for this child, but has a classroom of 28 students! There is a behavioral program in place in the classroom that uses the stoplight sticks to track behaviors and the students are responsible for moving their own sticks when prompted by the teacher.

How can this teacher respond to the needs of 28 children and have to spend so much time on the behavior of one child? The answer is that responding to this child instead of reacting to her will cut down on the amount of time she spends correcting behavior. This is how it works: children's behaviors are a means of communication. All children want to please adults. They do not want to be in trouble; they desperately want to get it right. This particular student is under a tremendous amount of stress and she is not thinking through situations because she can't. Her short term memory is suppressed by the part of the brain that reacts out of stress. In order to help this child and bring order back into the classroom, the teacher needs to help calm the child's stress and in doing so, the behavior will diminish. A reassuring touch on the shoulder to redirect the child when she seems off task; a school mentor that she can hook up with when she is obviously out of sorts; someone who will invite her to their room to have lunch; jobs to do in the classroom (this is a child who likes to be helpful). Perhaps knowing she can call home in the middle of the day to check on Mom on a day when the child seems particularly rattled; all of this will go a long way toward diminishing the stress. Stay tuned and in the next couple of weeks, I will check in for an update.

FREE,FREE,FREE...

Free all day training with Heather Forbes: Heather will be in Fort Wayne Indiana on September 11, 2010 to present for an entire day on the theories and methods presented in the book Beyond Consequences Logic and Control. The training is free, with a copy in hand, of Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control Volume I, or Volume II. For those of you, who are out of the area, check on the Beyond Consequences link on the right side of this blog, for other dates and places around the country. The Beyond Consequences Live training was my first formal introduction to Heather and that was five years ago...my way of doing therapy/coaching and my way of "doing" all relationship changed. Be prepared to shake up your world. And when Heather says 9:00-4:00 believe that it will be an intense, packed with useful information, day. AND the information is more practical than theoretical...you can use it immediately!!!!

The Stress Model

ANNOUNCEMENT:
On Thursday evening Bryan Post will give another FREE (!!) Webinar and you are invited to listen in. You do have to register to get all the information on how to get on to the Webinar.
https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/937083354

Time for Own Bed?

QUESTION:
My 5 year old adopted son has slept with me since he was a baby. I believe that it helped us "attach" but, now he is sleeping the "wrong way" on the bed and it feels like it is time for time to move to his own bed in his own room. Do you have any suggestions to help with the transition? We did buy "Spiderman sheets" so he can "protect him" while he sleeps but, he still wants to snuggle with mommy.

ANSWER:
Well, the first order of business, which I'm sure you've already done, is to "right" him, i.e. move him around when he moves into the "wrong way". And do that without any fanfare. Next, to begin the process of transitioning him to sleeping alone in his own room, lay down with him in his bed until he falls asleep. If he should wake up in the night and wander back into your room, just gently lead him back, lay with him for a bit again and then go back to your bed. It may take many nights of doing this and if you feel that it interrupts your sleep patterns too much if he gets up in the middle of the night, then perhaps the next best thing would be to bring his mattress to your room and put it beside your bed. Do this until he is comfortable sleeping along and then reintroduce him to his own bed in his own room. Do expect this to take quite a while until he is comfortable sleeping alone. Remember he has been in the "family bed" his entire life.

Let me know how it goes.

Grounding doesn't work...

Question:
My teenage adopted daughter seems to "rage" over the smallest things - we are unsure of her "past" and are worried enough about identity issues and she is not really attached to our family she is always on the outside. Is there anything we can do to keep her "head on straight" during these tumultuous years? Grounding doesn't seem to work.
Answer:
Part of what is going on for your daughter is adolescence. In many ways, it sounds like she is doing the typical adolescent hormonal thing. And yes, there is a lot that you can do for her regardless of whether it is a "normal" adolescent response or has something to do with the trauma that she was exposed to before she came into your family. You don't say how long she has been a family member, gauging from her seemingly unresolved attachment issues, I would guess that it hasn't been very many years. Your daughter has no reason to feel safe with you, not because of anything you have done, but everything to do with her past. Even if you know little to nothing about her past, assume that it was trauma laden. What your daughter needs most from you is calmness and empathy. She needs you to let her know that whatever she is feeling, it is okay for her to express it. And then prepare yourself to hear things you don't want to hear in language that you want to consequent (and then DON"T, consequent that is). Let her know that you can take her yelling, you can take her bad language...you love her and are there for her regardless of what she says or does. I would strongly suggest that you really mean that if you are going to say it.

You might be asking how will this help and how will she learn to control her temper and that she can't have everything she wants the way she wants it? You will be helping her to regulate; through your own calmness and regulation you will calm her. When you meet your daughter in a place of love and acceptance you are turning on your oxytocin response and in doing so, you will train an oxytocin response in her. The lessons of learning to control her temper will come and you can dialog with her about it later...teach her to breathe in the midst of her stress. Help her to learn where the stress is coming from; tell her as much of her story as you know so that she can understand why she feels the need to rage...tell her to give you her anger (and do prepare yourselves to take it...it isn't personal, it's her anger, her rage, her injustices).

FREE WEBINAR

So you all know my passion for working with families and educators to help them understand and to successfully be in relationship with the challenging children in their families and classrooms...tomorrow night, July 29 at 9:00pm Eastern time, Bryan Post, my mentor and teacher, is doing a FREE Webinar. The topic will be understanding the connection between the brain and children with challenging behaviors. Dr. Bruce Perry of the Child Trauma Academy says that if you work with children (parents, teachers, therapists, case managers, judges, probation officers, etc.) you MUST have a generalist understanding of the brain. I invite you all to sign up and tune in: www2.gotomeeting.com/register/849153794

But How Do I Do It?

Question? I have an adopted child who is 6 years old. She has been with us for almost two years and is a very willful child. I believe that she really thinks that everything should be her way. She is the tyrant in our house. When she doesn't get her way, she twirls, and growls and sometimes screams and bites. She has hurt me, she has hurt our family pets. I get it, Elaine...I understand that she has experienced trauma; perhaps trauma that I can't even imagine. However, we can't let her have her way because if we do, we will be the victims here. And she has to learn that the world will not give into her just because she had traumatic beginnings.

Answer: I do understand how difficult trying to manage your child's behavior must be and that there are days that you probably dread coming into the house. The key word here is managing...it is not possible to manage a child's out of control behavior. We must help children heal. Your daughter's behavior is due to the fact that her needs were not met early on and this has had an impact on her brain development. She does not know how to trust, she does not know how to respect. Her early beginnings spoke volumes to her about a world that does not meet the needs that she had/has. All of the "behavior management" tools that have been written about will not help. When trauma has occurred within relationship, the only way it can be healed is through relationship. Your daughter's emotional brain is underdeveloped. She will not respond to consequences for her acting out behaviors. She needs to experience regulation (calming, soothing) from a highly regulated parent (you guys) in order to develop her own regulation.

And your question was "but how do I do it"? And the answer is that you meet her dysregulated behavior with understanding and regulation and then the once damaged self-regulation will begin to heal. If you continue to meet her dysregulation in your own dysregulated state, her negative behavior will only increase. And trust me, when I say she will learn to self regulate and will not go off to Middle School growling, twirling, and biting. You will have taught her regulation; you will have calmed that part of her brain that goes into fight, freeze or flight when she is in a state of stress.

Question: Why are threats and consequences so much easier?

I was at the opthamalogist office yesterday and a woman was in there with two of her children, one about 9 and the other not quite 3. The 3 year old kept doing things that the mother clearly found annoying and she very quickly escalated into telling him that he would go right to bed when they got home (it was 9:30 in the morning) and they wouldn't be stopping at McDonald's. The more he fidgeted and doing things he wasn't suppose to which included how he was playing with the GameBoy, the more she lathered on the consequences. It turned out that the appointment with the eye doctor was for the young child and included not only the doctor looking into his eyes with that scarey light, but also having the nurse put drops in both of his eyes several times. This was clearly a stressful situation for this child and the mother herself was obviously stressed and so was everyone else in the office. It was so clear that this little guy needed help in calming and that truly the behavior would have diminished if his mother could have calmed his stress. The nurse even asked the little guy if he was now "going to be good" for the doctor. I did resist all temptation to take the mother aside and give her some ideas of how she could help her child in that moment AND where the behavior was coming from. My guess is that every time this child has to go to the eye doctor from now on, his stress level will be elevated. My question: why do we find it easier to give out threats and consequences rather than find ways to calm a child in the moment when the opportunity presents itself?

"Real LIfe" has consequences...

Question: If I don't give my child consequences, she will never learn that all behavior has consequences even for adults. How can she learn this life lesson if we are always giving into her outrageous and unacceptable behavior?

Answer: Great question and I'm so glad you asked. Let's revisit the definition of trauma: any event that is unexpected, unprocessed, prolonged, and misunderstood is long term trauma. Examples are: abuse/neglect, medical procedures, divorce, separation from loved ones, placement in foster care, frequent moves, serious accidents, death of loved one, community violence, domestic violence. Children who have experienced any, many, or perhaps even all these life traumas, react before they respond in many situations. A child of trauma who has just hit her baby brother is not in a state of regulation and is unable to process consequences. When she hit him, she was in a state of stress because of unprocessed and misunderstood trauma. She will not learn any lesson until she is regulated. And simply learning that it is not acceptable to hit others, does nothing to heal her trauma. And most importantly it will not "stick" as a life lesson no matter what consequence is meted out. If as the parent or caregiver you are able to help her come into a regulated state, help her to understand that she isn't being threatened, she is safe and you are helping her to be safe she will begin to learn self regulation. If our child is late for school, the consequences will not necessarily help him to be on time. What helps him learn to be on time is learning how to wake up his body a bit earlier, get himself in a regulated state to face the day. Remember that the word "discipline" means to teach. Dr. Bruce Perry states: "the more you can see the world from your child's point of view and the safer you can make him feel, the better his behavior is likely to be and the more likely you are to find ways of further improving it."

Empathy

Question:
What causes a child not to care whether they hurt another person or animal for that matter?

Answer:
I have received many questions regarding lack of empathy in children with trauma histories and parents are genuinely concerned that if their child cannot feel empathy for another person when that person is hurting, that they may literally grow up without a conscience. This question obviously comes up most often when the child has hurt another child or adult with words or fists or by kicking. The child shows no remorse and the parent is pretty horrified AND frightened.

Remember that when a child is stressed and in a fear-based state they are not thinking clearly. The thinking part of their brains have been hijacked by the part of the brain that stores trauma. And even though you may not have seen the behavior coming and may not know the trigger, you shouldn't assume that there was no trigger and that you are simply raising a mean child who has no conscience. Stress builds up and flies out almost in the form of a monster.

The only way to help yourself to NOT panic in this situation (we panic because we have visions of our child doing something truly horrible when he/she is a teenager or adult), is to step back and breathe, yep...B-R-E-A-T-H-E , 3 deep ones. And then go to your child and help him calm, just as you have calmed yourself. Don't tell him what he has done and how hurtful he is being. He knows what he's done, but he doesn't know why and he doesn't know how to get calm. You may be tempted to send him to his room or off in a corner, but unless that is what he indicates he needs to do, stay with him, if you can and talk quietly to him, letting him know that you can tell he is really, really, stressed out (use whatever words he understands for stress/dysregulation/fear). And he is going to be okay (it is important that you believe it, or he never will believe that he will be okay).

Look for next posting on: If there are no consequences, won't a child feel that he has all the control?

Sibling Traumatized by Adoption

The post today comes directly from an e newsletter put out by Heather Forbes of the Beyond Consequences Institute. It contains a great question and Heather's answer which, to say speaks directly to the point of love based parenting, would be an understatement.

For the past three years, our 16-year-old daughter, Jackie, has had to deal with the complete chaos of her younger adopted sister who was severely traumatized before we adopted her. Jackie was an only child before my husband and I adopted and my world revolved around Jackie. We lived a relatively peaceful, fun, and happy life. All of that drastically changed once her sister entered our family. I realize now that Jackie has been traumatized by the disruption, fear, and struggles our family has endured. What can I do to help my daughter, without dismissing the trauma she has gone through?

A: You're exactly right when your say Jackie's trauma of living with a severely traumatized younger sister cannot be dismissed. In fact, her experience needs to be maximized and brought to the surface in order for her to find healing. Jackie needs the emotional space to be heard and to be understood.

However, listening to your daughter's challenges can easily evoke feelings of guilt, shame, and perhaps, resentment in you. When this happens, all too often, parents inadvertently stop listening and work to minimize or stop their child's pain, closing off this child's needed opportunity to have a voice.

The first place to start is to realize that you cannot fix Jackie's experiences from the past three years. What is, is. Yet, what you can do is work to understand her experiences (getting into her shoes) and giving her the time, patience, and emotional space to discharge ALL of her feelings.

It takes being willing to commiserate with her and allowing her to express her story, not just at the cognitive level, but at the emotional level. Absorbing her pain means not responding in a defensive or a minimizing manner and not giving her solutions for the moment (that can come later).

A conversation might sound something like this:

Mom: "Sweetheart, there is something that I haven't recognized about your life. I haven't seen how difficult it has been for you since your sister came home. For the last three years, especially when she came home, I ignored you, I didn't pay the same amount of attention to you, and I wasn't there for you."

Jackie: "You just care for her more than you do for me!"

Mom: "Is that what it feels like?"

Jackie: "Yes! She gets ALL the attention. You sleep with her, you cater to her every need, and you spend all your time with her."

Mom: "I do. And where does that leave you?"

Jackie: "With NOTHING! Everything I ever had is gone. I'm MAD. I'm so tired of her. I'm tired of her meltdowns. I love her but I don't love her and I want it to go back to the way it was before she was here. I don't want it to be this way."

Mom: "I hear you, honey. Tell me more. Tell me how hard this has been for you because I've expected you to be the grown up in this. Tell me how that's not fair to you."

Jackie: "It isn't fair. She embarrasses me. She can't do anything. WE can't do anything and our whole life is centered around everything that SHE ever does. We can't do anything we used to do. Everything is different. I just want it to go back; I just want it to go back to the way it was before."

Mom: "I know....." (quietly pausing and working to stay present with her daughter)

Jackie: "I'm angry."

Mom: "Are you angry at me and dad for doing this? Tell me. I can handle your anger. I want you to give it all out to me. I haven't known how angry you are at me...I'm okay with it. Tell me 'I'm mad at you, mom!'"

Jackie: "I'm mad. I'm mad at everything. I hate that you and dad did this to me. Why didn't you love me enough not to mess up my entire life??!!?"

This conversation might need to continue for a while, each time with mom "dancing" with whatever her daughter says in return, allowing her daughter to lead the conversation. Yet, the most important part of such a dialogue is that it happens with emotional intensity, at the heart level.

Allowing Jackie the safety of a parent who is present and working to just listen, will allow her to discharge her anger, pain, and frustration now and not in the heat of a difficult moment when her sister is melting down.

But perhaps you are saying that you've tried this and these types of conversations happen over and over without movement forward.

If this is the case, then you have to dig deeper. Are you stopping your daughter at any level? Are you really able to handle her anger and pain? What feelings inside of you are coming up when she is expressing? Guilt? Fear of the future? Helplessness?

Feeling the depth of your child's pain in these moments, coupled with your own dark feelings that have not been honored or expressed, will shut you down. Your daughter will feel this. Thus, her expression is not being heard and she stays stuck in her healing process. Then conversations like the one above will keep looping and looping, keeping everyone in a state of victimhood.

You have to allow your pain to be felt, honored, and understood. In order for you to feel your child's pain, you have to feel your own pain first. This can be scary. It may seem that if you feel the depth of pain within you, opening up the floodgates, you won't be able to parent effectively and you won't be able to pull it together.

Ironically, this is exactly what keeps parents from being able to parent the way their children need them to. Parents have to go deep within the caverns of their own hearts. They have to own and acknowledge their own pain.

Parents have to stay in their hearts; that is where their children are living.

Effective parenting ultimately comes from self-love, self-discovery, and self-understanding. Love yourself through your pain in order to get to the depth of your child's pain. Healing resides within this powerful dynamic.

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, and Dare to Love

P.S. Check out our newest Ask the Expert interview with Claudia Roberts. Just click on the link to start listening. http://www.asktheexpertinterviews.com

Defiant 10 Year Old Follow Up

Question:

Elaine: Let me be more specific about my son's defiant behavior:

He doesn't defy me in the moment....for instance, brush his teeth. He goes in there perfectly willing to do it....but, then doesn't, and then lies to me that he did.

Same thing with taking things up in his bedroom (like a book)...I told him that if he gets done with all and can be upstairs by 8:00 that he can have 1/2 hr to read...he completely agreed to it.....problem is he never gets done with all by 8 and even though he agrees it's late and no he won't read, we'll try again tomorrow.....he sneaks up a book anyway and that's how we start our day the next morning....

Sorry I didn't make that clearer before....but that[s the part that frustrates me so....he totally agrees and says he will.....and then he completely doesn't.

I feel like I have to be on top of all this all the time....lock the books up...the gameboy...go with him to the bathroom and make sure he really brushes his teeth.....
etc, etc,.....and then when I'm not there he goes right back to lying and disobeying me again......how can I make him own it?
signed, Kathy (frustrated Mom)

Answer:

I certainly hear your frustration and your stress. And I totally get why you see this as disbeying and lying. And what I am going to tell you will see like a huge stretch. Having said that...you son's behavior arises from an unconscious place; he really would not do what he is doing if he was clearly thinking about the consequences. He has shown time after time that he can't do what you ask, even though they are simple tasks. Your son would not knowingly cause you all of this stress because he loves you and wants you to love him. Please try to stop giving consequences and again I know this is what we are all programmed to do. Instead I would advise you to work with him and join in to picking up his things from downstairs or in his room or wherever and going with him to brush his teeth. Make a game out of it; you brush yours at the same time or if he happens to like it, you brush his teeth; I can almost guarantee that you won't be picking up his things with him and brushing his teeth when he is 15. You are unknowingly setting up yourself and your son for a stressful situation. Actually there is a name for what is happening between you two: it is a negative physiologic feedback loop (more about this on another blog post). After you have worked with him to brush his teeth and pick up his room, sit with him on his bed and read with him for 10 minutes and then if hewants, he can read, by himself, the remaining 20 minutes. Or perhaps you can read the whole time. Bedtime appears to be a time of stress for him and for you. And then morning time gets off to a bad start because of the "leftovers" from the night before. Try this for at least 2 weeks and I assure you that bedtime will get a whole lot better and then of course so will the beginning of the next day. And you won't have issued any kind of warnings (which children with these behaviors really view as threats) and you will have had some decent time together instead. And by the way...you can't "make him own it" and believing that he will contributes to the negative physiologic feedback loop.
Let me know how it is going in a few weeks.

Elaine Spicer

ADHD, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT??? or RAD?

Question:
My 8 year old brother, James, has come to live with me, my husband and 7 month old son. He was taken by Child Services several different times. The first time was for a few months, the next time for a year, then returned to alcoholic parents for 3 years and the taken again and returned again for a year and then he came to live with me and my family. We have some behavior issues; what advice do you have for me. He gives me the most problems, listens to my husband but my husband works a 3/11 shift and is not home when James is home through the week. We suspect ADD, Autism, Aspergers, ADHD or possibly RAD. Another issue is that our alcoholic father has supervised visits once a week and James doesn't listen to me then at all. He also believes that he is going to live with his Dad again. The diagnosis that has been give for James is ADHD and Compliance Defiance Disorder (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). The professionals say that it isn't RAD because he is afraid that Child Services may remove pull him from us and RAD children don't care either way. I don't want to medicate him, but what are some alternatives? Thank you.

Answer:
You don't say what James' particular behaviors are, but I can surmise that he is often out of control and non-compliant and isn't particular age appropriate in his interactions. He may be very aggressive and oftentimes tantrum like a child who is much younger. James has suffered from trauma and that trauma has induced stress and not positive stress. A traumatic event is defined as" any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable. And when those events go unexpressed, unprocessed and misunderstood it is the difference between short-term and long-term trauma". One can see TRAUMA! TRAUMA! TRAUMA! by just re-reading you abbreviated recount of James' eight years of life. And we don't even know what it was like for him in utero...It would be very strange if James was able to be regulated enough to form any kind of attachment given what he has been through, and continues to go through with weekly contact with probably a sometimes inappropriate father, even though you are his sister.

It will be necessary for you to learn to help him to calm the stress; and in doing so the behavior will diminish. All of his behavior comes from a state of stress and it is fear based.

Continue to ask your questions, please. I can give you specific interventions for specific behaviors. Please remember that his behavior is about him and not about you. And his behaviors are unconscious. The last thing that James wants to do is to make you angry or disappoint you. He isn't looking to push your buttons, truly. I refer you to the 2 resources that are listed on the side of this blog: www.postinstitute.com and www.beyondconsequences.com

Elaine

Defiant 10 Year Old

Questions:

My son is 10 years old, and although he is adopted, he has been a part of our family since he was a toddler. My ongoing question/problem is his defiance. No matter what the rules are, his mentality is "I'm going to do what I want to do". It absolutely annoys me and scares me. He's only 10...I want to get to the bottom of this before he turns into a teenager! What would you suggest? Thanks.

Answer:

A defiant child is a scared child. It really doesn't matter whether you are asking him to do his homework, pick up his toys, brush his teeth or whatever the request. You son freezes when you make a request and he first sees it as a threat and he goes into fight mode. My guess is that is that any transition to him, is seen as threatening. And you and he may go round and round each time your requests are met with a defiant attitude. You may even have gotten to the point that even thinking of asking him to do anything causes a stress reaction in you.

Here's what I would like you to try: allow your son time to see that what you are asking is not threatening. Give him 5 or 10 minutes notice before he needs to comply. If you can go sit with him, bring him close to you...in doing this you will connect with him and help him calm inside (and incidentally it will help you calm as well). Don't expect immediate compliance; he really isn't able to do that. Try to remember, he isn't defiant, he is scared. I would ask that you do this for 2 weeks as consistently as you possibly can, please feel free to write in the meantime with any question you may have. And remember to B-R-E-A-T-H-E in order to help you calm and respond to your son rather than react to him.

Elaine Spicer

The Body, Mind, Spirit Connection for a 10 Year Old

Question:
We have a ten-year old son who was adopted from an orphanage in another country at eight months of age. He is aware of, and proud of his background and we have a picture of his birth mother, which he appreciates looking at whenever he would like. We are trying to address the issue of grief and loss in a way that is honest, but also takes into account the multiple traumas he had at such an early age.

Recently, an adult friend and neighbor died quite suddenly. He frequently connected with our son, and they had a positive, daily connection. He knows that the friend has died, and we are not pushing that he "talk" about his feelings. He heard the news, and went on playing basketball. However, the following week, he became ill, and stayed home from school for most of the week. The illness could have been a coincidence, or connected to the grief of our friend dying. Are there other steps we can/should take to comfort him and reassure him that he will not be left alone or abandoned through the death of his parent(s) or other circumstance? Or just let him process this as he needs to?

Answer:
It sounds as though you are very in tune with your son and are probably right in thinking that his recent prolonged illness has a lot to do with the loss he is feeling and the stress that it is triggering for him. I would encourage you to talk with him about how hard it is for him to have lost this important person and that he has had a lot of losses in his little life. And it is okay to tell him that you are really sorry for this loss and all of the other losses he has had. Let him know that it is okay to feel sad or even not be able to express how he feeling with words. If he writes, or draws, he might want to do that as a way to express his sadness, anger, fear. Don't be afraid that you will stir something up that can't be settled back down. He most likely counts on you, his parents to help him feel regulated and safe. You can even let him know that sometimes stress makes us feel physically sick and talking about who we've lost helps our body feel better. Let him know that you, his parents, are not going anywhere and that if he is worried now that when he leaves home something will happen to one of you perhaps you could arrange for him to call you during the day for reassurance. If he wakes up complaining of illness again in the near future and you believe that he isn't ill, suggest that he go to school for a few hours and then give you a call 1/2 way through the morning or at lunch time.

Hope these suggestions help.

Elaine Spicer, LCSW

Testing, Testing...

I realized after answering the question asked about behavior during ISTEP Testing that I should address teachers and proctors who are in the situation, several times each year, when state-wide and district wide testing is happening. Testing is a stressful situation for many students, of all ages. The mandatory testing of No Child Left Behind has put an extra dose of stress on not only the students, but the teachers, administrators, and parents. Schools are on high alert during testing week/s and that stress is communicated all the way down the line to the actual test takers. For students who have challenging behaviors, their stress level is at the max. And telling them to be on their best behavior and to pay attention to all the directions and to "NOT do this and NOT do that" and if they do "their tests will be thrown out," only pushes them over the edge (remember threats really don't work) that they are teetering on anyway.

Because this blog is all about interventions and not just more descriptions of why behavior is happening I do have several suggestions to offer. Alert all students the day before testing begins that it is going to be happening and that everyone knows that it is really really important to be at your best...but you know that they are going to feel stressed, frustrated, maybe even angry and that it is natural. You can even tell them that the adults in the building are probably going to be acting stressed as well. And that to make it easier, you are going to do some activities that will calm them before testing starts and during breaks. You want them to do some stretches and breathing exercises in addition to getting a drink and going to the restroom. (Check out Mindful Practices Wellness Program website). And remember teachers...breathe and calm yourself. And for your most challenging students, particularly the ones with IEP's that give them accommodations for testing be very sure you give them frequent breaks and have a proctor who can walk out of the room with them or have an administrator standing by your room and keep watch on those kids so you can catch them when they are beginning to go off task. Put a hand on their shoulder or arm, whisper an encouraging comment, tell them to BREATHE. I promise, it will make the testing go so much better with much less behavioral disruptions.

ISTEP Testing

Question:
We were asked to pick up our 11 year old foster son from school yesterday because he was disruptive, defiant and disrespectful to his teacher and to the teacher aid. Other times they will try to work with him, but because everyone was testing he was a distraction to the other students. We know that the testing will continue this week and into next and are really at a loss of how to handle his behavior. We would be appreciative of any suggestions you can give. We have thought about taking away his games for the week or perhaps not allowing him to watch television.

Answer:
Your son is stressed out by the test taking and does not know what to do with his anxiety. Instead of punishing him talk to him about how stressful/frustrating/nerve-wracking testing can be for him. Let him know that you understand and ask him what might help him get through it. He may not understand why he can't get more one on one help; he may be afraid that he is going to get a bad grade. Try to listen to his concerns and not try to argue with him or try to tell him that he just has to take the tests. If you find out what might help him, communicate those things to his teacher. And if he can't tell you, then talk with the teacher about how stressed he gets and ask if they can give him a few more breaks when he seems to be getting extra fidgety or needing a new pencil or to get up out of his seat, etc.

Too often we have expectations of how children should behave and are unaware of how stressful the environment they are in can be. Teachers, administrators, students are all wound very tight during testing time and it is easily picked up by stress sensitive kids. And they will act out their stress.

Elaine Spicer, LCSW

Healing Trauma

I heard a terrific analogy on an interview tape with Juli Alvarado of www.coaching-forlife.com and it just spoke to me. The analogy is how trauma is like cellulitis. Cellulitis is a bacterial infection that causes blotching, redness, swelling, and tenderness to the skin. The rash can be treated with patches, but if the underlying infection is not treated with antibiotics, the results can possibly be life threatening. The analogy to trauma is that if trauma is left unexpressed, unprocessed, and misunderstood, the results can potentially be as life threatening as cellulitis. And it is because trauma resides in the very cells of our bodies, that cognitive behavioral therapies are just patches whereby some behaviors may be kept in check, but unless a child is helped through emotional regulation, the trauma has the capacity to destroy.

Elaine Spicer
"healing is a process; change is an outcome;" and parenting is a journey

Adoption Should Come With a Guarantee of Love

Newspapers and other news media have been reporting the tragic story of the young Russian boy, age 7, adopted by an American woman. The child was returned to Russia, alone. He had a note to explain that the woman who adopted him, little more than 8 months ago, no longer wished to be his mother because he "has severe psychopathic issues". She further stated that the Russian adoption agency had lied about his condition.

This child had come to the u.S. just last fall. One assumes that he did not speak English and the American community was very, very different from the community he had known. Adopted children come with layers of trauma, some with the trauma of separation from their birth mother, some with prenatal trauma, some with medical trauma, others with histories of abuse and neglect. Children adopted from foreign countries have all of these traumas and more because they are not able to express their thoughts and feelings due to language and cultural differences. In addition, much trauma induced stress is unconscious and unprocessed and looks to adults like just bad behavior.

What is incomprehensible about this situation is that the adoptive parent had not been prepared for parenting a child who was being raised in an orphanage and would be coming to a foreign country; a child whose first seven years of life were most likely steeped in trauma. It is to be expected that a child who has been removed from their birth parents, placed in an institution, and then transported across the globe to a new "family" (and hey, he even got a brand new American name), would act out. The acting out comes from pure fear...fear of the unknown, fear of the unexplained and the stress of the loss of everything familiar that he had ever known. The only way to meet a child, who has come from these circumstances, is from a place of love, patience, and understanding. But first the parent must be prepared to respond rather than react. Adoptive parents really believe they are opening their hearts to the children who come into their lives, what they don't know is that we have to be taught to not react, because our reaction will set off all of the child's fear-based emotions. And that in turn will set off all of our fears and stress.

Window of Tolerance and Containment

In last week's post, the reader asked about the child who was out of control on the airplane. I suggested that the child had reached his/her "window of tolerance". The term refers to the level of stress and fear one can withstand. We know, from the literature, that stress for children who have experienced trauma (and actually for adults as well)means they have very little tolerance to maintain and easily become overloaded and act out. Children with trauma histories, who have not had much experience with self-regulation, have very little tolerance for new situations and experiences. A very logical follow up question from this a parent's perspective would be: "what do we do, not give our children new experiences; or do we just assume that every new experience/situation will be greeted with acting out behavior?"

For children with trauma histories who appear to have very narrow windows of tolerance it is helpful to give them as much information repeatedly about the new situation they are going to encounter. It is not enough, however to just tell them about it over and over, in addition they need to know that they become dysregulated and thereby unable to calm themselves. But you will tell them that you will be there with them and you will keep them safe and help them to calm. Use some prior examples of when they have become stressed/ You probably will know your child well enough to know how you have been able to get them back into a state of regulation. And most probably you use "containment" and aren't even aware that that is what you are doing. "Containment" simply means drawing your child in and creating physical and emotional closeness. Of course, the key here is, in order for this to be effective, the parent must be regulated themselves.

In the Air and Out of Control

Question:

We recently took our two foster children, ages 7 and 8 on an airplane. Neither of them had ever been on a plane before and when we had been in the air for awhile, the 7 year old took out his hand held game and proceeded to get completely out of control when he could not win. He heaved the game into the aisle. We took the game away and he got very loud and almost unmanageable. We now feel like we can't take these children anywhere they have never before been or give them any new experiences. What should we do if this situation presents itself again? What might we have done different?

Answer:
Your son was stressed out and had reached his "window of tolerance". It is helpful when we can predict when a situation will threaten a child's tolerance because then we can intervene before things get out of hand. For example: when you realize that he is in a situation that is bound to increase his stress (for your son, it appears to be a new setting and perhaps any transitions) you might try to engage him in some activity other than one in which he usually gets quite competitive. You know from prior experience that when he gets in a zone with these games, he seemingly notices nothing else around him. I understand that you feel like you can't take them on trips or introduce them to new experiences after having the vacation that Chevy Chase makes movies of. However, telling the children many times about what will be happening on the vacation prior to the trip and then before each transition will help. Also, letting them know that new things are always hard for them and you are going to be there with them and if they want to hold your hand that's fine; if they need to walk right next to you, that's fine. You will be right there and when they feel that they are not okay, they should give you a signal, so that you can hold them close. This is the time for "containment".

Next time: "window of tolerance" and "containment"

Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Question:
I have a 4 year old foster child who was recently placed in our home. I think she might have Reactive Attachment disorder. She tends to throw tantrums when she doesn't like the situation (not the game she wants to play or what she is asked to do) and will throw items (the computer monitor and toys), and will bite, urinate on the floor, and use profanities). I am worried that this is the issue, but can she be clinically diagnosed and if so by who?

Answer:
I know that most of us feel more comfortable when we can label a behavior, but in the end it doesn't help to understand behaviors nor does it help us know how to intervene. Your child needs help in regulating her emotions. All of her behaviors are coming from a place of stress and fear and her behaviors are communicating to you that she is stressed out and incapable of expressing her emotions in a socially acceptable way. It may be important, for insurance purposes, that she have a diagnosis and she can be diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional. I encourage you to seek help from a therapist who can perhaps provide guide you in helping your daughter regulate her emotional state when she is not in control of her emotions.

Trauma

Trauma is defined as any stressful event that is unpredictable, prolonged, and/or overwhelming. Examples of traumatic events are: pre-natal and perinatal events, natural disasters, abuse (emotional, physical, sexual), neglect, divorce, separation from parents, accidents, medical "events"; and the list goes on...When any stress event goes unexpressed, unprocessed and/or misunderstood, the person is left with long term trauma. And the last sentence really bears repeating...trauma that is unexpressed, unprocessed, and/or misunderstood leads to long term trauma.

10 year old reacts as if she is 2

Question:
I have a 10 year old daughter who sometimes seems like she is 10 going on 20 and other times like she is 10 going on 2. Her teachers tell me she is very bright. However, when emotionally challenged or when stress arises, she behaves very much like a tantruming toddler. I would like to understand so that I can help her.

Answer:
I have no doubt that your daughter is very bright and at times very mature. When she acts like she is two, she is telling you that she is stressed and she needs help regulating, calming, and returning to a place of equilibrium. We know that "when we stress, we regress." Behavior is our way of communicating; your daughter is telling you that she needs you, just as she did when she was two. She needs you to move in to her, to perhaps hold her and let her know she is safe, because that moment of stress that throws her back to being a toddler, and she does not feel safe. I do not know your daughter's history, but her behavior indicates that perhaps there may have been some trauma history. I will talk soon on what exactly is trauma.