Question:
Elaine: Let me be more specific about my son's defiant behavior:
He doesn't defy me in the moment....for instance, brush his teeth. He goes in there perfectly willing to do it....but, then doesn't, and then lies to me that he did.
Elaine: Let me be more specific about my son's defiant behavior:
He doesn't defy me in the moment....for instance, brush his teeth. He goes in there perfectly willing to do it....but, then doesn't, and then lies to me that he did.
Same thing with taking things up in his bedroom (like a book)...I told him that if he gets done with all and can be upstairs by 8:00 that he can have 1/2 hr to read...he completely agreed to it.....problem is he never gets done with all by 8 and even though he agrees it's late and no he won't read, we'll try again tomorrow.....he sneaks up a book anyway and that's how we start our day the next morning....
Sorry I didn't make that clearer before....but that[s the part that frustrates me so....he totally agrees and says he will.....and then he completely doesn't.
I feel like I have to be on top of all this all the time....lock the books up...the gameboy...go with him to the bathroom and make sure he really brushes his teeth.....
etc, etc,.....and then when I'm not there he goes right back to lying and disobeying me again......how can I make him own it?
signed, Kathy (frustrated Mom)
Answer:
I certainly hear your frustration and your stress. And I totally get why you see this as disbeying and lying. And what I am going to tell you will see like a huge stretch. Having said that...you son's behavior arises from an unconscious place; he really would not do what he is doing if he was clearly thinking about the consequences. He has shown time after time that he can't do what you ask, even though they are simple tasks. Your son would not knowingly cause you all of this stress because he loves you and wants you to love him. Please try to stop giving consequences and again I know this is what we are all programmed to do. Instead I would advise you to work with him and join in to picking up his things from downstairs or in his room or wherever and going with him to brush his teeth. Make a game out of it; you brush yours at the same time or if he happens to like it, you brush his teeth; I can almost guarantee that you won't be picking up his things with him and brushing his teeth when he is 15. You are unknowingly setting up yourself and your son for a stressful situation. Actually there is a name for what is happening between you two: it is a negative physiologic feedback loop (more about this on another blog post). After you have worked with him to brush his teeth and pick up his room, sit with him on his bed and read with him for 10 minutes and then if hewants, he can read, by himself, the remaining 20 minutes. Or perhaps you can read the whole time. Bedtime appears to be a time of stress for him and for you. And then morning time gets off to a bad start because of the "leftovers" from the night before. Try this for at least 2 weeks and I assure you that bedtime will get a whole lot better and then of course so will the beginning of the next day. And you won't have issued any kind of warnings (which children with these behaviors really view as threats) and you will have had some decent time together instead. And by the way...you can't "make him own it" and believing that he will contributes to the negative physiologic feedback loop.
Let me know how it is going in a few weeks.
Elaine Spicer
etc, etc,.....and then when I'm not there he goes right back to lying and disobeying me again......how can I make him own it?
signed, Kathy (frustrated Mom)
Answer:
I certainly hear your frustration and your stress. And I totally get why you see this as disbeying and lying. And what I am going to tell you will see like a huge stretch. Having said that...you son's behavior arises from an unconscious place; he really would not do what he is doing if he was clearly thinking about the consequences. He has shown time after time that he can't do what you ask, even though they are simple tasks. Your son would not knowingly cause you all of this stress because he loves you and wants you to love him. Please try to stop giving consequences and again I know this is what we are all programmed to do. Instead I would advise you to work with him and join in to picking up his things from downstairs or in his room or wherever and going with him to brush his teeth. Make a game out of it; you brush yours at the same time or if he happens to like it, you brush his teeth; I can almost guarantee that you won't be picking up his things with him and brushing his teeth when he is 15. You are unknowingly setting up yourself and your son for a stressful situation. Actually there is a name for what is happening between you two: it is a negative physiologic feedback loop (more about this on another blog post). After you have worked with him to brush his teeth and pick up his room, sit with him on his bed and read with him for 10 minutes and then if hewants, he can read, by himself, the remaining 20 minutes. Or perhaps you can read the whole time. Bedtime appears to be a time of stress for him and for you. And then morning time gets off to a bad start because of the "leftovers" from the night before. Try this for at least 2 weeks and I assure you that bedtime will get a whole lot better and then of course so will the beginning of the next day. And you won't have issued any kind of warnings (which children with these behaviors really view as threats) and you will have had some decent time together instead. And by the way...you can't "make him own it" and believing that he will contributes to the negative physiologic feedback loop.
Let me know how it is going in a few weeks.
Elaine Spicer
