Questions:
My son is 10 years old, and although he is adopted, he has been a part of our family since he was a toddler. My ongoing question/problem is his defiance. No matter what the rules are, his mentality is "I'm going to do what I want to do". It absolutely annoys me and scares me. He's only 10...I want to get to the bottom of this before he turns into a teenager! What would you suggest? Thanks.
Answer:
A defiant child is a scared child. It really doesn't matter whether you are asking him to do his homework, pick up his toys, brush his teeth or whatever the request. You son freezes when you make a request and he first sees it as a threat and he goes into fight mode. My guess is that is that any transition to him, is seen as threatening. And you and he may go round and round each time your requests are met with a defiant attitude. You may even have gotten to the point that even thinking of asking him to do anything causes a stress reaction in you.
Here's what I would like you to try: allow your son time to see that what you are asking is not threatening. Give him 5 or 10 minutes notice before he needs to comply. If you can go sit with him, bring him close to you...in doing this you will connect with him and help him calm inside (and incidentally it will help you calm as well). Don't expect immediate compliance; he really isn't able to do that. Try to remember, he isn't defiant, he is scared. I would ask that you do this for 2 weeks as consistently as you possibly can, please feel free to write in the meantime with any question you may have. And remember to B-R-E-A-T-H-E in order to help you calm and respond to your son rather than react to him.
Elaine Spicer
Elaine Spicer; MSW; LCSW; BCI Certified Instructor
About Me
- Elaine Spicer; LCSW
- I have been a social worker for 31 years. My work has been with families and children first in the area of Child Protective Services and then as a therapist working with the same population. I have worked with divorcing and divorced parents teaching co-parenting techniques, supervised therapists and have been a social worker for emotionally challenged children and adolescents in an inner city school system. About 7 years ago I was introduced to the work of Bryan Post and, as a friend and colleague said at the time...I went Post-al. All of my previous assumptions and indeed my work using behavioral interventions, got pushed aside. And along came the realization that none of the interventions, meant to change behaviors, had anything in common with helping children heal from the trauma they had experienced. My best work these days is as a coach/consultant for parents, other caregivers, and teachers. The services I provide are parent education, coaching, consulting and supervising. I am the mother of five adult children and grandmother to five. I am both a bio mom and an adoptive mom.