"Gary, Indiana; Gary Indiana...

my home sweet home.”  I am usually able to begin a blog with the title.   Tonight was different:  I wanted the title to reflect how adults assume that children are naïve, clueless and without sensory perceptions.   And so now it occurs to me that I will title this blog with the beginning lyrics from the Music Man. The school administration  has decided that a large majority of our school children in Gary, Indiana will now be walking to school. And of course such a new adventure  will be met with youthful abandon;  parents and guardians will be reminded of their carefree days of being able to walk to school.  And my intention, as I sat down, was to write about the effects of trauma.  And how sometimes the very fabric of our children's lives is rooted in trauma.  Many families are experiencing poverty and unemployment, severe illness, separation, alcoholism, not to mention that they themselves may be victims of abuse or neglect.  Because you see, our city is no longer the idyllic community that Meredith Wilson made famous.  Instead we have a poverty rate over 28%, we have a 13% unemployment rate; a fifth of all of our housing, churches, school buildings and other structures are vacant and boarded up.  And our children live amidst this poverty, in this blighted community, on blocks where violent and not so violent crime occurs on a daily basis.  "The wheels on the bus go round and round..." but those elementary school children who live within a mile of their school will be walking this school year, and those middle and high school students who live within two miles of their school will be walking as well.  Because of budget cuts,  our school system can only run 50plus buses, last year they ran 150plus buses.  What's trauma got to do with it?  Many of the children in our community experience the effects of our blighted and crime ridden neighborhoods on a daily basis.  It effects them, it effects their relationship with their friends, their family and it causes them stress...stress that they don't understand, stress that they can't process because they can't name it.  It causes them fear...fear about when the next robbery may occur in their neighborhood, when the next person may get shot, whether that next person will be their neighbor, or their cousin, or their auntie.  And now each day, before they get to school many will walk through their neighborhood and the adjoining neighborhood to get to school and they will see what, of course, they have seen everyday.  But it will be different...they will experience it, inhale it, kick at it...and they will arrive at school more stressed out than they are after a rowdy bus ride.  After all, the buses are clean; after all, the buses were not a recent crime scene.  Are our school staffs prepared?  Has anyone thought about the effects, of that not so healthy walk, on the psyche of our children?  My guess is that they haven't; my guess is it will take months, if not the entire school year to figure out why so many kids are having a hard time focusing early in the day and perhaps again in the afternoon as they prepare themselves for the return trip home with the scents of despair that will accompany them on their walk.

Parenting Softly

My husband and I watched from our deck this morning as a friend walked by and in hand with his two young children.  We knew they were probably off for a morning walk on the beach.  They greeted us and commented on the purple flowers growing on a trellis by the street.  The daughter who is about 6, was wearing a lovely long white dress (a "nylony" looking garment) and bright pink sparkly flats.  The little guy who is probably about 4, stooped down to probably scoop up some of the rocks near the trellis.  Our friend, very quietly reminded him that those were not his rocks and he should leave them where they were.  He used the same tone to his voice that he used when commenting on the flowers.  And his son indeed let thee rocks tumble out of his hand, they said goodbye to us, resumed holding hands and indeed walking down the street and up the beach path.  Did I mention that our friend's daughter was dressed in a long white dress with pink sparkly shoes?  My husband commented on how very cool it was that she was able to wear whatever she wanted to walk in the sand and perhaps even dip her feet (and therefore her dress, because it reached to her feet) in the lake.

Observing our friend, I immediately thought of the term "parenting softly".  On this morning, my friend embodied that kind of parenting.

Can We Give What We Haven't Gotten?

The question that this blog is responding to is whether it is possible for a parent to help their child heal from the wounds of trauma if they themselves have never processed and understood their own trauma? My answer is that it is very, very difficult to parent a child who exhibits the often extreme behaviors of a child who has experienced developmental trauma.  It is difficult for the parent who themselves have been raised in a loving, nurturing, caring, empathetic family.  If as a parent, you have experienced the trauma of abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, prenatal trauma, unprocessed loss, etc. until you have processed and understood that trauma you will react to your child's behavior and be unable to respond in a loving, nurturing, empathetic way.  There are several reasons why this is so and much of it has to do with what happens in the brain when we are stressed and have emotions that have been submerged and often denied.  When we are triggered through stress, our short term thinking is suppressed and we don't have access to the cognitive part of our brain.  So what happens is that we meet our child at the exact same place they are...overwhelmed and incapable of thinking through our words and actions.

My faithful reader who posed this question did not ask the follow up to "can we give what we haven't gotten?" and that is can we get it.  And the answer is yes, but it takes looking at our own history, our own baggage which can be childhood history and baggage or more recent adult relationship history.  When the child who is talking back to us and not listening reminds us of a  boss or a spouse who demeaned, maligned, and ultimately dismissed us we need to step back and see that, and understand it for what it is.  Even, yes even seek help for ourselves so that we do the necessary healing to be available to help our child heal.  Otherwise, we will experience a clash of wills that could become physically and/or emotionally abusive and re-traumatize our child.

The Power of Oxytocin

I wrote on my Facebook page:  Challenging Children that our 7 year old grandson used his powers this morning to calm a very agitated possum who had been trapped unwittingly in the trap set for a groundhog.  He was pacing the perimeter of the cage like a trapped animal...which of course, he was.  Our young grandson went out to get a closer view of him and as he stood just a foot away from the cage he began to talk to the possum in a soft voice.  He told the possum that he was safe, his Papa would take him out to the woods and release him.  His Papa would never hurt him.  He kept talking to him in this soothing way and soon the possum quieted down and laid down in the cage.  About 20 minutes later, a mole came up trying to get under the cage and that started the possum moving again around and around the cage.  This time, our young grandson simply walked over to the cage where the possum could see him and just quietly stood...and again the possum settled down.  What was happening here was what happens in relationships between humans and also other animals.  If one approaches another in a loving, attentive, calm manner a hormone in the brain called oxytocin is triggered in the receiving party.  In this case, our young grandson did not want the animal harmed and he didn't want him to be stressed...in order to "reach" the possum, he quietly and repetitively told him (who by the way he named, "Speedy" when they released him into the woods) he was okay, he was safe.  Animals are neurobioogically wired to be in relationship; relationship that is attentive and caring.  And when we are in relationship with another our brains naturally release this calming hormone.