So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

I realized that it has been several months since I have blogged.  I find myself writing on the facebook page, Challenging Children much more regularly.  I think it is because I know I have an instant audience and oftentimes fairly instant feedback.  However, it is here that i can expand my thoughts.  As I wind down on the two year contract that I have had providing home-based services to DCS families (I have been re-upped for another contract cycle), I want to reflect on what I have learned about families and the children they sign on to parent.  And also, what I learned about educators and school systems and tolerance or intolerance for children with challenging behaviors.

I have learned how important repetition is in truly learning something.  And I am referring here primarily to adults.  It is very difficult to understand how deep the effects of trauma go;  difficult to comprehend that providing a child with the stability of a family (who really wants to care for and about a child),  and a home that is safe from any physical harm, is not enough.  It isn't saying love isn't enough, because if love is truly non-judgmental, non-conditional, and very importantly does not demand reciprocity, it is enough.  Most people, who take children into their homes whether through fostering or adopting, do not understand that these children often lack the ability to return love.  But it doesn't mean that this will always be true.  They are a bit like bottomless vessels or at the very least vessels with pin prick like holes where what we pour in seeps out.  They desperately need to feel safe...safe to be who they are right now.  And for parents to truly provide that kind of safety, means opening oneself up to being kicked, slapped, spit at, screamed at...and that isn't always metaphorically speaking.

I stated that repetition is important for adults to truly learn where these children have come from and what they need from the adults who are charged with caring for them and teaching them.  And what needs to be repeated over and over, is the understanding of the effects of trauma on brain development.  And the role that the brain plays in a child's behavior.  Also, what needs repetition is how very important it is to understand our own triggers, what and how the caretakers react in stressful situations.  If the adults can understand themselves and know how to calm (regulate) themselves, they can become a calming, safe space/place for a child.  Understanding ourselves as adults, help us to be caring, loving, non-judgmental caregivers.

Stay tuned for more in the weeks to come.

"This One Child"

poem by Daniel Hughes, Clinical Psychologist, continued from facebook page:  Challenging Children

...in that moment his soul
is seen with awe and joy
and he becomes warm in my seeing.

In the very next moment
this one child
dares to show too
his blackest, deepest bits
of piercing terror
and wandering loss

In that moment his soul
is seen with awe and compassion
And he stretches into my seeing.

And then this one child
with his one soul
and his flowing smiles and tears
rests safely in my seeing
as we talk and play.

           Help For Parents of Children Prone to Stealing

Stealing is an addictive behavior, much like other kinds of addictions.  It is an external behavior to calm oneself that is ignited, if you will, by internal stress.  The behavior is of course aberrant, but just as soothing as alcohol, drugs, even sugar and caffeine.  And of course, the rush that it gives is momentary and then the guilt and shame set in.

A parent wrote to me at: https://www.facebook.com/connecthrulove.  The problem behavior presented by the parent is a 12 year old who is stealing and it appears that this is not a new problem.  The way to help this young girl is to understand that when she is stressed, she is apt to move into a mode of  calming herself even if it is inappropriate and wrong.  She has to be taught to calm herself.  As you can imagine, no amount of consequenting in the traditional sense will cause long term behavior change.  Instead, it is up to parents and supervising adults to be sure that in such a stressful environment  such as the one the parent described the child is prepared for the chaos of the environment and it's effect on this child. The parent should tell the child that she will be staying near because all of the stimuli plays havoc with this child's sensory system.  And when she is caught up in sensory overload, she gets stressed and takes things that aren't hers to make herself feel better.  Of course, the most logical thing to do is not to take the child into these kinds of sensory overload situations.  Many parents find that they cannot "trust" their children at super stores like Kmart, WalMart, Meiers, etc.  Actually, it is not that the child is untrustworthy, it is that they are put into a situation where they are unable to self-regulate.  At this point the responsibility is on the parent to provide containment for the child.  And no, containment does not mean embarrassing an older child by holding her hand, but rather leading her to a place within the larger environment where she can  have a choice of  one or two activities.  If this isn't possible, let your child know that you won't be going to this particular activity because it causes her too much stress.  This is done without shaming.  We don't tell a child we can't trust them because that does not address what is beneath the behavior which in this case is dysregulation.  Keep in mind this is behavior if left unchecked will become addictive and a pattern that will keep repeating itself.