Grounding doesn't work...

Question:
My teenage adopted daughter seems to "rage" over the smallest things - we are unsure of her "past" and are worried enough about identity issues and she is not really attached to our family she is always on the outside. Is there anything we can do to keep her "head on straight" during these tumultuous years? Grounding doesn't seem to work.
Answer:
Part of what is going on for your daughter is adolescence. In many ways, it sounds like she is doing the typical adolescent hormonal thing. And yes, there is a lot that you can do for her regardless of whether it is a "normal" adolescent response or has something to do with the trauma that she was exposed to before she came into your family. You don't say how long she has been a family member, gauging from her seemingly unresolved attachment issues, I would guess that it hasn't been very many years. Your daughter has no reason to feel safe with you, not because of anything you have done, but everything to do with her past. Even if you know little to nothing about her past, assume that it was trauma laden. What your daughter needs most from you is calmness and empathy. She needs you to let her know that whatever she is feeling, it is okay for her to express it. And then prepare yourself to hear things you don't want to hear in language that you want to consequent (and then DON"T, consequent that is). Let her know that you can take her yelling, you can take her bad language...you love her and are there for her regardless of what she says or does. I would strongly suggest that you really mean that if you are going to say it.

You might be asking how will this help and how will she learn to control her temper and that she can't have everything she wants the way she wants it? You will be helping her to regulate; through your own calmness and regulation you will calm her. When you meet your daughter in a place of love and acceptance you are turning on your oxytocin response and in doing so, you will train an oxytocin response in her. The lessons of learning to control her temper will come and you can dialog with her about it later...teach her to breathe in the midst of her stress. Help her to learn where the stress is coming from; tell her as much of her story as you know so that she can understand why she feels the need to rage...tell her to give you her anger (and do prepare yourselves to take it...it isn't personal, it's her anger, her rage, her injustices).

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But How Do I Do It?

Question? I have an adopted child who is 6 years old. She has been with us for almost two years and is a very willful child. I believe that she really thinks that everything should be her way. She is the tyrant in our house. When she doesn't get her way, she twirls, and growls and sometimes screams and bites. She has hurt me, she has hurt our family pets. I get it, Elaine...I understand that she has experienced trauma; perhaps trauma that I can't even imagine. However, we can't let her have her way because if we do, we will be the victims here. And she has to learn that the world will not give into her just because she had traumatic beginnings.

Answer: I do understand how difficult trying to manage your child's behavior must be and that there are days that you probably dread coming into the house. The key word here is managing...it is not possible to manage a child's out of control behavior. We must help children heal. Your daughter's behavior is due to the fact that her needs were not met early on and this has had an impact on her brain development. She does not know how to trust, she does not know how to respect. Her early beginnings spoke volumes to her about a world that does not meet the needs that she had/has. All of the "behavior management" tools that have been written about will not help. When trauma has occurred within relationship, the only way it can be healed is through relationship. Your daughter's emotional brain is underdeveloped. She will not respond to consequences for her acting out behaviors. She needs to experience regulation (calming, soothing) from a highly regulated parent (you guys) in order to develop her own regulation.

And your question was "but how do I do it"? And the answer is that you meet her dysregulated behavior with understanding and regulation and then the once damaged self-regulation will begin to heal. If you continue to meet her dysregulation in your own dysregulated state, her negative behavior will only increase. And trust me, when I say she will learn to self regulate and will not go off to Middle School growling, twirling, and biting. You will have taught her regulation; you will have calmed that part of her brain that goes into fight, freeze or flight when she is in a state of stress.

Question: Why are threats and consequences so much easier?

I was at the opthamalogist office yesterday and a woman was in there with two of her children, one about 9 and the other not quite 3. The 3 year old kept doing things that the mother clearly found annoying and she very quickly escalated into telling him that he would go right to bed when they got home (it was 9:30 in the morning) and they wouldn't be stopping at McDonald's. The more he fidgeted and doing things he wasn't suppose to which included how he was playing with the GameBoy, the more she lathered on the consequences. It turned out that the appointment with the eye doctor was for the young child and included not only the doctor looking into his eyes with that scarey light, but also having the nurse put drops in both of his eyes several times. This was clearly a stressful situation for this child and the mother herself was obviously stressed and so was everyone else in the office. It was so clear that this little guy needed help in calming and that truly the behavior would have diminished if his mother could have calmed his stress. The nurse even asked the little guy if he was now "going to be good" for the doctor. I did resist all temptation to take the mother aside and give her some ideas of how she could help her child in that moment AND where the behavior was coming from. My guess is that every time this child has to go to the eye doctor from now on, his stress level will be elevated. My question: why do we find it easier to give out threats and consequences rather than find ways to calm a child in the moment when the opportunity presents itself?