But How Do I Do It?

Question? I have an adopted child who is 6 years old. She has been with us for almost two years and is a very willful child. I believe that she really thinks that everything should be her way. She is the tyrant in our house. When she doesn't get her way, she twirls, and growls and sometimes screams and bites. She has hurt me, she has hurt our family pets. I get it, Elaine...I understand that she has experienced trauma; perhaps trauma that I can't even imagine. However, we can't let her have her way because if we do, we will be the victims here. And she has to learn that the world will not give into her just because she had traumatic beginnings.

Answer: I do understand how difficult trying to manage your child's behavior must be and that there are days that you probably dread coming into the house. The key word here is managing...it is not possible to manage a child's out of control behavior. We must help children heal. Your daughter's behavior is due to the fact that her needs were not met early on and this has had an impact on her brain development. She does not know how to trust, she does not know how to respect. Her early beginnings spoke volumes to her about a world that does not meet the needs that she had/has. All of the "behavior management" tools that have been written about will not help. When trauma has occurred within relationship, the only way it can be healed is through relationship. Your daughter's emotional brain is underdeveloped. She will not respond to consequences for her acting out behaviors. She needs to experience regulation (calming, soothing) from a highly regulated parent (you guys) in order to develop her own regulation.

And your question was "but how do I do it"? And the answer is that you meet her dysregulated behavior with understanding and regulation and then the once damaged self-regulation will begin to heal. If you continue to meet her dysregulation in your own dysregulated state, her negative behavior will only increase. And trust me, when I say she will learn to self regulate and will not go off to Middle School growling, twirling, and biting. You will have taught her regulation; you will have calmed that part of her brain that goes into fight, freeze or flight when she is in a state of stress.