Grounding doesn't work...

Question:
My teenage adopted daughter seems to "rage" over the smallest things - we are unsure of her "past" and are worried enough about identity issues and she is not really attached to our family she is always on the outside. Is there anything we can do to keep her "head on straight" during these tumultuous years? Grounding doesn't seem to work.
Answer:
Part of what is going on for your daughter is adolescence. In many ways, it sounds like she is doing the typical adolescent hormonal thing. And yes, there is a lot that you can do for her regardless of whether it is a "normal" adolescent response or has something to do with the trauma that she was exposed to before she came into your family. You don't say how long she has been a family member, gauging from her seemingly unresolved attachment issues, I would guess that it hasn't been very many years. Your daughter has no reason to feel safe with you, not because of anything you have done, but everything to do with her past. Even if you know little to nothing about her past, assume that it was trauma laden. What your daughter needs most from you is calmness and empathy. She needs you to let her know that whatever she is feeling, it is okay for her to express it. And then prepare yourself to hear things you don't want to hear in language that you want to consequent (and then DON"T, consequent that is). Let her know that you can take her yelling, you can take her bad language...you love her and are there for her regardless of what she says or does. I would strongly suggest that you really mean that if you are going to say it.

You might be asking how will this help and how will she learn to control her temper and that she can't have everything she wants the way she wants it? You will be helping her to regulate; through your own calmness and regulation you will calm her. When you meet your daughter in a place of love and acceptance you are turning on your oxytocin response and in doing so, you will train an oxytocin response in her. The lessons of learning to control her temper will come and you can dialog with her about it later...teach her to breathe in the midst of her stress. Help her to learn where the stress is coming from; tell her as much of her story as you know so that she can understand why she feels the need to rage...tell her to give you her anger (and do prepare yourselves to take it...it isn't personal, it's her anger, her rage, her injustices).