Why Consequences Don't Work...

Consequences and behavior modification often do not work. In the past, we have just tried harder to come up with some "logical" consequence to bad behavior. And when we finally run out of our own ideas, we run to the latest article on changing a child's behavior or to the book store for the newest book. And then, we fall back on what comes easiest, yelling and punitive consequences. Then, the words fly in both directions and in the end, no changes really occur. And there is a reason: negative behavior is neither logical nor rational. It is emotional. Using our rational left brain left-brain [rules, consequences] to move a child out of his right-brain [emotions, fear response] is not effective and is met with resistance that isn't pretty. So what is a parent to do: parents need to see acting out behavior as an emotional response to an internal feeling. Tell your child that you can see he/she is stressed, have them come and sit by you, ask if he's like to take a walk with you. See if perhaps you can learn where the stress is coming from; or if you know tell him that when he acts out like this you know something is really bothering him. Use these moments to connect with your child, not send him away...listen to him even if he is saying things you don't want to hear.

Continued thought...

yesterday's posting is a "Continued Thought" from my facebook page:
Elaine Spicer
This should help you follow the thread...

Thought for the day...cont'd

...I realize that these families provide food, shelter and some nurturing and maybe for some that will be enough. We know, however, that this is more than just big family love-ins…many of these children have hard core emotional issues that translate into behavior issues. Are we doing kids any favors by putting them in families with lots of children? Is it better than having them in small group homes? Is it better to be in a family for a short period of time, until the family is burned out or until the child “burns out” (perhaps literally), the family? Is it better to blend into the woodwork in a large family, never having your issues dealt with really…but, having a family to call your own? The child who can make himself invisible probably is the hypo-aroused child who may self-injure physically or retreat into himself, emotionally.

Best Gift of the Season

The best lasting gift that you can give to your child this holiday season is your time...if you want to strengthen your relationship with your child, if you want to double the fun, extend the love try the Post prescription of 10-20-10. You give your child 10 minutes of quality time every morning before he goes to school (perhaps when you wake him up, you rub his back sitting on his bed and just being there while he wakes up...being present with him); give him 20 minutes when he comes home from school or when you get home from work...20 minutes of just being together, talking about his day, your day, the dog, the snow, the call from Grandma; and then 10 minutes of your time in the evening before bed perhaps reading together, playing with the dog, listening to a song you both like or you know he likes. Did you know that the national average of time that most parents in the US spend with each of their children is only 10 minutes/day? Do this "affection prescription" and you will have given your child 4 times the national average.

Oxytocin Hits the Mainstream

Oxytocin, a hormone known for years to be released in a woman while breast feeding is now being touted in the popular press. Susan Kuchinskas wrote a book in 2009 called "The Chemistry of Connection" and in the book she talks about Oxytocin. Bryan Post(www.postinstitute.com) has been speaking of it for the past couple of years as perhaps the "single most important discovery" for those of us who work with families in the areas of attachment and trauma. In the most recent issue of More Magazine under the section called Best Health Advice of 2010,#9 is entitled: "Stressed? Call Mom". "Simply talking to someone who makes you feel loved releases the bonding hormone oxytocin, which in turn lowers the stress hormone cortisol, according to research conducted at the University of Wisconsin at Madison". Author of the study, and director of the Child Emotion Lab at the university goes on to say that his research indicates that a simple hug or phone call from their moms could soothe a group of jittery girls. The same lessons apply when we're under stress. Our primary caregivers are our source of comfort when we're young, but as we get older, we develop close attachments with partners and friends. After a hard day, the best thing to do is pick up the phone. Just making that contact with someone who makes you feel loved" (and I would add cared about and listened to)"may relax you, if you're very stressed."

Peaceful Schools...

an oxymoron or a real possibility? I feel driven to write about this after fighting broke out in one of our local high schools after a "drug free" schools presentation attempted by our Chief of Police. And it seems, from all reports that this is not a exception in our local school buildings in particular middle school/high schools. There have been all kinds of reasons (excuses) given from lack of parent involvement, to kids who have moved in from other districts and cities. However, there are true underlying reasons for violence: lack of resources both emotional and physical. Young people living in low income areas are, generally speaking, fairly fatalistic in regards to their future. When you talk to young people about where they see themselves after high school...many of them don't. They "don't" see themselves. So talk of how they will wind up in prison or themselves living in poverty unless...is a go nowhere conversation (or more likely a lecture). There is also an underlying fear amongst teachers in inner city schools and many come to school each day dreading the hallway chaos and the possible spill over to their classes. The schools are in a state of disrepair which translates to the student a sense of disregard for them and the rights that they have to clean, well-maintained buildings and grounds. I have some ideas:

1. Address the issues of school violence without blame.
When we blame, we tend to "throw out" the students who are involved in specific incidents sending them off to alternative schools where we can then isolate the culture of violence in one building.
2. When seeking solutions, long and short-term, involve the students. Students want to feel safe in their school, just as much as the adults. The students know more than the adults; they know more because they live the life in and out of school.
3. Really involve the students; give them a role that is real, not just on paper, not just to appease. Incorporate student input into the plans.
4. A culture of respect needs to permeate the schools. Respect goes both ways...but the adults set the pattern.
5. Respond quickly and CONSISTENTLY to disregard for rules. Rules which are not only posted, but talked about on a regular basis AND reviewed with students input.
6.Give up punitive reaction to infringement of rules. They don't work. To exclude and humiliate has not been effective. This form of discipline is reactionary and does not promote long term change in individual students, nor in the culture of the schools.

Challenge

I am all about challenges these days. I just finished a 2 session parenting series on the Beyond Logic and Consequences book and the Stress Model. I gave a challenge to the parents attending the workshop to choose one behavior they would like help in dealing with. One behavior that a child displays that just drives the parents to distraction. And I have given teachers a 10 week challenge to change their classroom from stress to calm by working with the challenging student/students (see more on Challenging Children Facebook page). My parents in the workshop are looking at 2 months to turn around a behavior that their child/children are displaying. One single behavior. This includes anything from lying to smearing feces in the bedroom and lots of behaviors in between that are still to be identified.

Challenge to readers of this blog: take the challenge and write to me about one behavior that your child displays that you find absolutely unacceptable. I promise to guide you step by step through emails for 2 months. You can email me at connecthrulove@gmail.com I look forward to hearing from you...I look forward to the CHALLENGE! Remember trauma that occurred in the context of relationship can only be healed in the context of relationship. It cannot be healed by consequences...it can only be healed by love.

Aged out of Foster Care

There are many, many children in our country who have gone into foster care or residential treatment and have no families to support them once they reach age 18. It is referred to as "aging out of the system." There are several charitable organizations that have been set up to help these kids. Check out this website: http://charityguide.org/volunteer/fewhours/age-out.htm and see how you might be able to help this very desperate, young population. You will be helping kids who will may otherwise be on the streets without any positive role models.