Defiant 10 Year Old Follow Up

Question:

Elaine: Let me be more specific about my son's defiant behavior:

He doesn't defy me in the moment....for instance, brush his teeth. He goes in there perfectly willing to do it....but, then doesn't, and then lies to me that he did.

Same thing with taking things up in his bedroom (like a book)...I told him that if he gets done with all and can be upstairs by 8:00 that he can have 1/2 hr to read...he completely agreed to it.....problem is he never gets done with all by 8 and even though he agrees it's late and no he won't read, we'll try again tomorrow.....he sneaks up a book anyway and that's how we start our day the next morning....

Sorry I didn't make that clearer before....but that[s the part that frustrates me so....he totally agrees and says he will.....and then he completely doesn't.

I feel like I have to be on top of all this all the time....lock the books up...the gameboy...go with him to the bathroom and make sure he really brushes his teeth.....
etc, etc,.....and then when I'm not there he goes right back to lying and disobeying me again......how can I make him own it?
signed, Kathy (frustrated Mom)

Answer:

I certainly hear your frustration and your stress. And I totally get why you see this as disbeying and lying. And what I am going to tell you will see like a huge stretch. Having said that...you son's behavior arises from an unconscious place; he really would not do what he is doing if he was clearly thinking about the consequences. He has shown time after time that he can't do what you ask, even though they are simple tasks. Your son would not knowingly cause you all of this stress because he loves you and wants you to love him. Please try to stop giving consequences and again I know this is what we are all programmed to do. Instead I would advise you to work with him and join in to picking up his things from downstairs or in his room or wherever and going with him to brush his teeth. Make a game out of it; you brush yours at the same time or if he happens to like it, you brush his teeth; I can almost guarantee that you won't be picking up his things with him and brushing his teeth when he is 15. You are unknowingly setting up yourself and your son for a stressful situation. Actually there is a name for what is happening between you two: it is a negative physiologic feedback loop (more about this on another blog post). After you have worked with him to brush his teeth and pick up his room, sit with him on his bed and read with him for 10 minutes and then if hewants, he can read, by himself, the remaining 20 minutes. Or perhaps you can read the whole time. Bedtime appears to be a time of stress for him and for you. And then morning time gets off to a bad start because of the "leftovers" from the night before. Try this for at least 2 weeks and I assure you that bedtime will get a whole lot better and then of course so will the beginning of the next day. And you won't have issued any kind of warnings (which children with these behaviors really view as threats) and you will have had some decent time together instead. And by the way...you can't "make him own it" and believing that he will contributes to the negative physiologic feedback loop.
Let me know how it is going in a few weeks.

Elaine Spicer

ADHD, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT??? or RAD?

Question:
My 8 year old brother, James, has come to live with me, my husband and 7 month old son. He was taken by Child Services several different times. The first time was for a few months, the next time for a year, then returned to alcoholic parents for 3 years and the taken again and returned again for a year and then he came to live with me and my family. We have some behavior issues; what advice do you have for me. He gives me the most problems, listens to my husband but my husband works a 3/11 shift and is not home when James is home through the week. We suspect ADD, Autism, Aspergers, ADHD or possibly RAD. Another issue is that our alcoholic father has supervised visits once a week and James doesn't listen to me then at all. He also believes that he is going to live with his Dad again. The diagnosis that has been give for James is ADHD and Compliance Defiance Disorder (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). The professionals say that it isn't RAD because he is afraid that Child Services may remove pull him from us and RAD children don't care either way. I don't want to medicate him, but what are some alternatives? Thank you.

Answer:
You don't say what James' particular behaviors are, but I can surmise that he is often out of control and non-compliant and isn't particular age appropriate in his interactions. He may be very aggressive and oftentimes tantrum like a child who is much younger. James has suffered from trauma and that trauma has induced stress and not positive stress. A traumatic event is defined as" any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable. And when those events go unexpressed, unprocessed and misunderstood it is the difference between short-term and long-term trauma". One can see TRAUMA! TRAUMA! TRAUMA! by just re-reading you abbreviated recount of James' eight years of life. And we don't even know what it was like for him in utero...It would be very strange if James was able to be regulated enough to form any kind of attachment given what he has been through, and continues to go through with weekly contact with probably a sometimes inappropriate father, even though you are his sister.

It will be necessary for you to learn to help him to calm the stress; and in doing so the behavior will diminish. All of his behavior comes from a state of stress and it is fear based.

Continue to ask your questions, please. I can give you specific interventions for specific behaviors. Please remember that his behavior is about him and not about you. And his behaviors are unconscious. The last thing that James wants to do is to make you angry or disappoint you. He isn't looking to push your buttons, truly. I refer you to the 2 resources that are listed on the side of this blog: www.postinstitute.com and www.beyondconsequences.com

Elaine

Defiant 10 Year Old

Questions:

My son is 10 years old, and although he is adopted, he has been a part of our family since he was a toddler. My ongoing question/problem is his defiance. No matter what the rules are, his mentality is "I'm going to do what I want to do". It absolutely annoys me and scares me. He's only 10...I want to get to the bottom of this before he turns into a teenager! What would you suggest? Thanks.

Answer:

A defiant child is a scared child. It really doesn't matter whether you are asking him to do his homework, pick up his toys, brush his teeth or whatever the request. You son freezes when you make a request and he first sees it as a threat and he goes into fight mode. My guess is that is that any transition to him, is seen as threatening. And you and he may go round and round each time your requests are met with a defiant attitude. You may even have gotten to the point that even thinking of asking him to do anything causes a stress reaction in you.

Here's what I would like you to try: allow your son time to see that what you are asking is not threatening. Give him 5 or 10 minutes notice before he needs to comply. If you can go sit with him, bring him close to you...in doing this you will connect with him and help him calm inside (and incidentally it will help you calm as well). Don't expect immediate compliance; he really isn't able to do that. Try to remember, he isn't defiant, he is scared. I would ask that you do this for 2 weeks as consistently as you possibly can, please feel free to write in the meantime with any question you may have. And remember to B-R-E-A-T-H-E in order to help you calm and respond to your son rather than react to him.

Elaine Spicer

The Body, Mind, Spirit Connection for a 10 Year Old

Question:
We have a ten-year old son who was adopted from an orphanage in another country at eight months of age. He is aware of, and proud of his background and we have a picture of his birth mother, which he appreciates looking at whenever he would like. We are trying to address the issue of grief and loss in a way that is honest, but also takes into account the multiple traumas he had at such an early age.

Recently, an adult friend and neighbor died quite suddenly. He frequently connected with our son, and they had a positive, daily connection. He knows that the friend has died, and we are not pushing that he "talk" about his feelings. He heard the news, and went on playing basketball. However, the following week, he became ill, and stayed home from school for most of the week. The illness could have been a coincidence, or connected to the grief of our friend dying. Are there other steps we can/should take to comfort him and reassure him that he will not be left alone or abandoned through the death of his parent(s) or other circumstance? Or just let him process this as he needs to?

Answer:
It sounds as though you are very in tune with your son and are probably right in thinking that his recent prolonged illness has a lot to do with the loss he is feeling and the stress that it is triggering for him. I would encourage you to talk with him about how hard it is for him to have lost this important person and that he has had a lot of losses in his little life. And it is okay to tell him that you are really sorry for this loss and all of the other losses he has had. Let him know that it is okay to feel sad or even not be able to express how he feeling with words. If he writes, or draws, he might want to do that as a way to express his sadness, anger, fear. Don't be afraid that you will stir something up that can't be settled back down. He most likely counts on you, his parents to help him feel regulated and safe. You can even let him know that sometimes stress makes us feel physically sick and talking about who we've lost helps our body feel better. Let him know that you, his parents, are not going anywhere and that if he is worried now that when he leaves home something will happen to one of you perhaps you could arrange for him to call you during the day for reassurance. If he wakes up complaining of illness again in the near future and you believe that he isn't ill, suggest that he go to school for a few hours and then give you a call 1/2 way through the morning or at lunch time.

Hope these suggestions help.

Elaine Spicer, LCSW