Question:
We have a ten-year old son who was adopted from an orphanage in another country at eight months of age. He is aware of, and proud of his background and we have a picture of his birth mother, which he appreciates looking at whenever he would like. We are trying to address the issue of grief and loss in a way that is honest, but also takes into account the multiple traumas he had at such an early age.
Recently, an adult friend and neighbor died quite suddenly. He frequently connected with our son, and they had a positive, daily connection. He knows that the friend has died, and we are not pushing that he "talk" about his feelings. He heard the news, and went on playing basketball. However, the following week, he became ill, and stayed home from school for most of the week. The illness could have been a coincidence, or connected to the grief of our friend dying. Are there other steps we can/should take to comfort him and reassure him that he will not be left alone or abandoned through the death of his parent(s) or other circumstance? Or just let him process this as he needs to?
Answer:
It sounds as though you are very in tune with your son and are probably right in thinking that his recent prolonged illness has a lot to do with the loss he is feeling and the stress that it is triggering for him. I would encourage you to talk with him about how hard it is for him to have lost this important person and that he has had a lot of losses in his little life. And it is okay to tell him that you are really sorry for this loss and all of the other losses he has had. Let him know that it is okay to feel sad or even not be able to express how he feeling with words. If he writes, or draws, he might want to do that as a way to express his sadness, anger, fear. Don't be afraid that you will stir something up that can't be settled back down. He most likely counts on you, his parents to help him feel regulated and safe. You can even let him know that sometimes stress makes us feel physically sick and talking about who we've lost helps our body feel better. Let him know that you, his parents, are not going anywhere and that if he is worried now that when he leaves home something will happen to one of you perhaps you could arrange for him to call you during the day for reassurance. If he wakes up complaining of illness again in the near future and you believe that he isn't ill, suggest that he go to school for a few hours and then give you a call 1/2 way through the morning or at lunch time.
Hope these suggestions help.
Elaine Spicer, LCSW
Elaine Spicer; MSW; LCSW; BCI Certified Instructor
About Me
- Elaine Spicer; LCSW
- I have been a social worker for 31 years. My work has been with families and children first in the area of Child Protective Services and then as a therapist working with the same population. I have worked with divorcing and divorced parents teaching co-parenting techniques, supervised therapists and have been a social worker for emotionally challenged children and adolescents in an inner city school system. About 7 years ago I was introduced to the work of Bryan Post and, as a friend and colleague said at the time...I went Post-al. All of my previous assumptions and indeed my work using behavioral interventions, got pushed aside. And along came the realization that none of the interventions, meant to change behaviors, had anything in common with helping children heal from the trauma they had experienced. My best work these days is as a coach/consultant for parents, other caregivers, and teachers. The services I provide are parent education, coaching, consulting and supervising. I am the mother of five adult children and grandmother to five. I am both a bio mom and an adoptive mom.