Question:
My 8 year old brother, James, has come to live with me, my husband and 7 month old son. He was taken by Child Services several different times. The first time was for a few months, the next time for a year, then returned to alcoholic parents for 3 years and the taken again and returned again for a year and then he came to live with me and my family. We have some behavior issues; what advice do you have for me. He gives me the most problems, listens to my husband but my husband works a 3/11 shift and is not home when James is home through the week. We suspect ADD, Autism, Aspergers, ADHD or possibly RAD. Another issue is that our alcoholic father has supervised visits once a week and James doesn't listen to me then at all. He also believes that he is going to live with his Dad again. The diagnosis that has been give for James is ADHD and Compliance Defiance Disorder (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). The professionals say that it isn't RAD because he is afraid that Child Services may remove pull him from us and RAD children don't care either way. I don't want to medicate him, but what are some alternatives? Thank you.
Answer:
You don't say what James' particular behaviors are, but I can surmise that he is often out of control and non-compliant and isn't particular age appropriate in his interactions. He may be very aggressive and oftentimes tantrum like a child who is much younger. James has suffered from trauma and that trauma has induced stress and not positive stress. A traumatic event is defined as" any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable. And when those events go unexpressed, unprocessed and misunderstood it is the difference between short-term and long-term trauma". One can see TRAUMA! TRAUMA! TRAUMA! by just re-reading you abbreviated recount of James' eight years of life. And we don't even know what it was like for him in utero...It would be very strange if James was able to be regulated enough to form any kind of attachment given what he has been through, and continues to go through with weekly contact with probably a sometimes inappropriate father, even though you are his sister.
It will be necessary for you to learn to help him to calm the stress; and in doing so the behavior will diminish. All of his behavior comes from a state of stress and it is fear based.
Continue to ask your questions, please. I can give you specific interventions for specific behaviors. Please remember that his behavior is about him and not about you. And his behaviors are unconscious. The last thing that James wants to do is to make you angry or disappoint you. He isn't looking to push your buttons, truly. I refer you to the 2 resources that are listed on the side of this blog: www.postinstitute.com and www.beyondconsequences.com
Elaine
Elaine Spicer; MSW; LCSW; BCI Certified Instructor
About Me
- Elaine Spicer; LCSW
- I have been a social worker for 31 years. My work has been with families and children first in the area of Child Protective Services and then as a therapist working with the same population. I have worked with divorcing and divorced parents teaching co-parenting techniques, supervised therapists and have been a social worker for emotionally challenged children and adolescents in an inner city school system. About 7 years ago I was introduced to the work of Bryan Post and, as a friend and colleague said at the time...I went Post-al. All of my previous assumptions and indeed my work using behavioral interventions, got pushed aside. And along came the realization that none of the interventions, meant to change behaviors, had anything in common with helping children heal from the trauma they had experienced. My best work these days is as a coach/consultant for parents, other caregivers, and teachers. The services I provide are parent education, coaching, consulting and supervising. I am the mother of five adult children and grandmother to five. I am both a bio mom and an adoptive mom.