Can We Give What We Haven't Gotten?

The question that this blog is responding to is whether it is possible for a parent to help their child heal from the wounds of trauma if they themselves have never processed and understood their own trauma? My answer is that it is very, very difficult to parent a child who exhibits the often extreme behaviors of a child who has experienced developmental trauma.  It is difficult for the parent who themselves have been raised in a loving, nurturing, caring, empathetic family.  If as a parent, you have experienced the trauma of abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, prenatal trauma, unprocessed loss, etc. until you have processed and understood that trauma you will react to your child's behavior and be unable to respond in a loving, nurturing, empathetic way.  There are several reasons why this is so and much of it has to do with what happens in the brain when we are stressed and have emotions that have been submerged and often denied.  When we are triggered through stress, our short term thinking is suppressed and we don't have access to the cognitive part of our brain.  So what happens is that we meet our child at the exact same place they are...overwhelmed and incapable of thinking through our words and actions.

My faithful reader who posed this question did not ask the follow up to "can we give what we haven't gotten?" and that is can we get it.  And the answer is yes, but it takes looking at our own history, our own baggage which can be childhood history and baggage or more recent adult relationship history.  When the child who is talking back to us and not listening reminds us of a  boss or a spouse who demeaned, maligned, and ultimately dismissed us we need to step back and see that, and understand it for what it is.  Even, yes even seek help for ourselves so that we do the necessary healing to be available to help our child heal.  Otherwise, we will experience a clash of wills that could become physically and/or emotionally abusive and re-traumatize our child.