Question:
We recently took our two foster children, ages 7 and 8 on an airplane. Neither of them had ever been on a plane before and when we had been in the air for awhile, the 7 year old took out his hand held game and proceeded to get completely out of control when he could not win. He heaved the game into the aisle. We took the game away and he got very loud and almost unmanageable. We now feel like we can't take these children anywhere they have never before been or give them any new experiences. What should we do if this situation presents itself again? What might we have done different?
Answer:
Your son was stressed out and had reached his "window of tolerance". It is helpful when we can predict when a situation will threaten a child's tolerance because then we can intervene before things get out of hand. For example: when you realize that he is in a situation that is bound to increase his stress (for your son, it appears to be a new setting and perhaps any transitions) you might try to engage him in some activity other than one in which he usually gets quite competitive. You know from prior experience that when he gets in a zone with these games, he seemingly notices nothing else around him. I understand that you feel like you can't take them on trips or introduce them to new experiences after having the vacation that Chevy Chase makes movies of. However, telling the children many times about what will be happening on the vacation prior to the trip and then before each transition will help. Also, letting them know that new things are always hard for them and you are going to be there with them and if they want to hold your hand that's fine; if they need to walk right next to you, that's fine. You will be right there and when they feel that they are not okay, they should give you a signal, so that you can hold them close. This is the time for "containment".
Next time: "window of tolerance" and "containment"
Elaine Spicer; MSW; LCSW; BCI Certified Instructor
About Me
- Elaine Spicer; LCSW
- I have been a social worker for 31 years. My work has been with families and children first in the area of Child Protective Services and then as a therapist working with the same population. I have worked with divorcing and divorced parents teaching co-parenting techniques, supervised therapists and have been a social worker for emotionally challenged children and adolescents in an inner city school system. About 7 years ago I was introduced to the work of Bryan Post and, as a friend and colleague said at the time...I went Post-al. All of my previous assumptions and indeed my work using behavioral interventions, got pushed aside. And along came the realization that none of the interventions, meant to change behaviors, had anything in common with helping children heal from the trauma they had experienced. My best work these days is as a coach/consultant for parents, other caregivers, and teachers. The services I provide are parent education, coaching, consulting and supervising. I am the mother of five adult children and grandmother to five. I am both a bio mom and an adoptive mom.