Question:
What causes a child not to care whether they hurt another person or animal for that matter?
Answer:
I have received many questions regarding lack of empathy in children with trauma histories and parents are genuinely concerned that if their child cannot feel empathy for another person when that person is hurting, that they may literally grow up without a conscience. This question obviously comes up most often when the child has hurt another child or adult with words or fists or by kicking. The child shows no remorse and the parent is pretty horrified AND frightened.
Remember that when a child is stressed and in a fear-based state they are not thinking clearly. The thinking part of their brains have been hijacked by the part of the brain that stores trauma. And even though you may not have seen the behavior coming and may not know the trigger, you shouldn't assume that there was no trigger and that you are simply raising a mean child who has no conscience. Stress builds up and flies out almost in the form of a monster.
The only way to help yourself to NOT panic in this situation (we panic because we have visions of our child doing something truly horrible when he/she is a teenager or adult), is to step back and breathe, yep...B-R-E-A-T-H-E , 3 deep ones. And then go to your child and help him calm, just as you have calmed yourself. Don't tell him what he has done and how hurtful he is being. He knows what he's done, but he doesn't know why and he doesn't know how to get calm. You may be tempted to send him to his room or off in a corner, but unless that is what he indicates he needs to do, stay with him, if you can and talk quietly to him, letting him know that you can tell he is really, really, stressed out (use whatever words he understands for stress/dysregulation/fear). And he is going to be okay (it is important that you believe it, or he never will believe that he will be okay).
Look for next posting on: If there are no consequences, won't a child feel that he has all the control?
Elaine Spicer; MSW; LCSW; BCI Certified Instructor
About Me
- Elaine Spicer; LCSW
- I have been a social worker for 31 years. My work has been with families and children first in the area of Child Protective Services and then as a therapist working with the same population. I have worked with divorcing and divorced parents teaching co-parenting techniques, supervised therapists and have been a social worker for emotionally challenged children and adolescents in an inner city school system. About 7 years ago I was introduced to the work of Bryan Post and, as a friend and colleague said at the time...I went Post-al. All of my previous assumptions and indeed my work using behavioral interventions, got pushed aside. And along came the realization that none of the interventions, meant to change behaviors, had anything in common with helping children heal from the trauma they had experienced. My best work these days is as a coach/consultant for parents, other caregivers, and teachers. The services I provide are parent education, coaching, consulting and supervising. I am the mother of five adult children and grandmother to five. I am both a bio mom and an adoptive mom.