Welcome

to my blog, Connect thru Love. My postings will be about changing the parenting paradigm from consequences and control, which do NOT, I believe, have long term effects on behavior, to a love based teaching/living model. And what i appreciate most about this model, even from my very right-brained perspective, is that it is based on neuroscience and what and how the brain processes experiences. And though I am a therapist, when I work with families who are encountering difficult behaviors in their children, I am an educator and a coach to the parents.

I invite you to not only read, but to comment and ask questions regarding behaviors you are encountering with your children. And if you are a teacher, counselor/therapist, or case manager, I would love to hear from you as well.

To ask a question, please email me at connecthrulove@gmail.com
or simply post it in the comment section.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"I wish my sister would go away...forever"

Do you have sibling children who seem to always be in competition for your attention?
Sibling rivalry is very common and so are the many theories of how to handle it. Children who feel love, children who feel seen, children who feel nurtured will allow the same for their sibling. The child who tries to get his /her sibling in trouble, the child who fights to get your attention is the child who NEEDS attention, positive attention. The Beyond Consequences model of parenting has a formula: 10-20-10. Give each child 10 minutes of your undivided attention in the morning, 20 minutes in the afternoon, and 10 minutes in the evening. Do this every day; some days you may only be able to do 5-10-5. The concept is that each of our children need their own time with us. Heather Forbes says that sibling rivalry is an issue between parent and child not child and child.
Posted by Elaine Spicer; LCSW at 5:24 PM

2 comments:

  1. GinaJanuary 16, 2012 at 5:19 PM

    I just stumbled onto your website and had read Heather's newsletter on this topic and in her book. However, my question to her would be "how does one accomplish this 10-20-10 when there are two or more children vying for your attention everyday. The only way I could see entertaining my 3 year old for this amount of time while I spend time with my 5 year old (who's the one with the trauma background) would be turning on the TV. However, if I turn on the TV, my 5 year old wants to watch too. My 3 year old is in a stage where he wants me with him at all times... or wants to be with his sister. So, logistically, I wonder how others are accomplishing this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJanuary 17, 2012 at 6:40 AM

    Gina: here is a suggestion for you. Unless your children awaken at exactly the same time, you could spend a few minutes with each child. You could cuddle, together in bed for that special morning time (could be just 5 minutes, if you don't have 10. Likewise, in the afternoon when the 3 year old naps, spend some time with your 5 year old before she has quiet time and again in the evening stagger the time you put each to bed by 10 or 15 minutes, or even 5. The key is make it a time to connect with each of your children in a loving, mindful way. You could listen to music, color quietly, read with the child. HOpe this helps and thank you for your question.

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I really look forward to both your questions and comments.

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