What happened to the honeymoon...

How many foster and adoptive parents have asked this question when their child who seemed to be fitting in so well to the new family, the new school, the new holiday celebrations, the new home suddenly is defiant, aggressive and destructive? What happened to the child who was so excited about having a new family? Bruce Perry, a neurobiologist and child psychiatrist tells us that when a child is under stress short term memory is suppressed and thinking becomes confused and distorted. One of the things that happens to many children in these situations is that they know, because of their history that life will return to chaos and unpredictability. And you may find that your child becomes defiant, aggressive and perhaps a bit scarey in the things he says and does in order to "provoke" what has become to him predictable. It has been said by family therapists that we are more comfortable with the familiar even if that familiar is awful...the certainty of the awful is better than the uncertainty of the unknown. And this is a perfect example of why a child will increase their disruptive behaviors, when the adults shift from a punitive paradigm to one of love and understanding. And truthfully, it causes adults to decide that parenting or teaching from a love-based perspective, trying to understand that all negative behavior arises from a state of stress and that children do not consciously choose to behave badly doesn't work. If only adults will allow a child the discomfort of the unpredictable and understand that a child's acting out is not from a conscious place, a family can move forward.