Limits

"What do we do when our child who has had a history of separation and loss, perhaps neglect, perhaps abuse, cries and tantrums when she doesn't get her way? She tells me that I'm not her boss and I can't tell her what to do and I can't yell at her. She will kick me and scream at me whether we are at home or out at a store or a park or wherever." This question from a very well meaning parent screams to me...I feel guilty and I am so exhausted. This parent goes on to tell me that she will give in to her child so that the child will calm down and then says to me...I know I'm not suppose to consequent her because she will feel threatened, and I am only trying to control her. At this point I say to this mom, stop and breathe. Yes, your child has had awful things happen to her, some unimaginable to us...she feels like she has no control and is not safe. You as the parent, will not help this if you let her have her way. You can help her without taking away privileges, without giving her time out, without depriving her of anything. And you need to in order for her to ever get regulated, in order for her to ever feel safe. Let her know that no, she can't go outside, she can't have more candy, she can't watch another DVD...let her know the limits. And then accept her rage...don't feel guilty about all she's been through. Let her know that she will be able to go outside again, when it isn't raining or when you can keep an eye on her. Let her know there will be more candy another time. But...not now and it is okay for her to be disappointed, it is okay for her to express her disappointment. Hold her if she will let you...walk away if you need to...wrestle her playfully to the ground if she'll let you and tell her it is okay...she is okay.