True Resilience

In the many months since I have blogged, I have not been idle…I have used my Facebook page:  Challenging Children to write.  Sometimes, I realize that I just might be getting too wordy for a Facebook page and should use the blogging instead.  Today's thoughts are on what it takes to be resilient in the face of childhood trauma.  As always, I invite your comments.

Have you seen the movie, “The Heat” or the show “Mad Men”?  These are fictional stories of adults, but so obviously adults who have not healed from childhood trauma and keep trying to bury their life story with arrogance and false pride (really fear and stress in disguise).  They have achieved success, and some would say have shown how resilient people can be despite so many odds.  And then I realize that no one really puts his trauma to rest. In order to have healthy adult relationships, healing is what is most important and that is a process.  Trauma is not forgotten, it becomes a part of one’s life experience.  In the healing process children and adults develop a true resilience. True resilience because when trauma is worked through and healing has taken place, any shame and guilt that may be felt is understood from the perspective of who is really responsible for abandonment, abuse, or neglect. They learn the tools to calm when the unconscious trauma memories are triggered and come flooding in. 

So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

I realized that it has been several months since I have blogged.  I find myself writing on the facebook page, Challenging Children much more regularly.  I think it is because I know I have an instant audience and oftentimes fairly instant feedback.  However, it is here that i can expand my thoughts.  As I wind down on the two year contract that I have had providing home-based services to DCS families (I have been re-upped for another contract cycle), I want to reflect on what I have learned about families and the children they sign on to parent.  And also, what I learned about educators and school systems and tolerance or intolerance for children with challenging behaviors.

I have learned how important repetition is in truly learning something.  And I am referring here primarily to adults.  It is very difficult to understand how deep the effects of trauma go;  difficult to comprehend that providing a child with the stability of a family (who really wants to care for and about a child),  and a home that is safe from any physical harm, is not enough.  It isn't saying love isn't enough, because if love is truly non-judgmental, non-conditional, and very importantly does not demand reciprocity, it is enough.  Most people, who take children into their homes whether through fostering or adopting, do not understand that these children often lack the ability to return love.  But it doesn't mean that this will always be true.  They are a bit like bottomless vessels or at the very least vessels with pin prick like holes where what we pour in seeps out.  They desperately need to feel safe...safe to be who they are right now.  And for parents to truly provide that kind of safety, means opening oneself up to being kicked, slapped, spit at, screamed at...and that isn't always metaphorically speaking.

I stated that repetition is important for adults to truly learn where these children have come from and what they need from the adults who are charged with caring for them and teaching them.  And what needs to be repeated over and over, is the understanding of the effects of trauma on brain development.  And the role that the brain plays in a child's behavior.  Also, what needs repetition is how very important it is to understand our own triggers, what and how the caretakers react in stressful situations.  If the adults can understand themselves and know how to calm (regulate) themselves, they can become a calming, safe space/place for a child.  Understanding ourselves as adults, help us to be caring, loving, non-judgmental caregivers.

Stay tuned for more in the weeks to come.

"This One Child"

poem by Daniel Hughes, Clinical Psychologist, continued from facebook page:  Challenging Children

...in that moment his soul
is seen with awe and joy
and he becomes warm in my seeing.

In the very next moment
this one child
dares to show too
his blackest, deepest bits
of piercing terror
and wandering loss

In that moment his soul
is seen with awe and compassion
And he stretches into my seeing.

And then this one child
with his one soul
and his flowing smiles and tears
rests safely in my seeing
as we talk and play.

           Help For Parents of Children Prone to Stealing

Stealing is an addictive behavior, much like other kinds of addictions.  It is an external behavior to calm oneself that is ignited, if you will, by internal stress.  The behavior is of course aberrant, but just as soothing as alcohol, drugs, even sugar and caffeine.  And of course, the rush that it gives is momentary and then the guilt and shame set in.

A parent wrote to me at: https://www.facebook.com/connecthrulove.  The problem behavior presented by the parent is a 12 year old who is stealing and it appears that this is not a new problem.  The way to help this young girl is to understand that when she is stressed, she is apt to move into a mode of  calming herself even if it is inappropriate and wrong.  She has to be taught to calm herself.  As you can imagine, no amount of consequenting in the traditional sense will cause long term behavior change.  Instead, it is up to parents and supervising adults to be sure that in such a stressful environment  such as the one the parent described the child is prepared for the chaos of the environment and it's effect on this child. The parent should tell the child that she will be staying near because all of the stimuli plays havoc with this child's sensory system.  And when she is caught up in sensory overload, she gets stressed and takes things that aren't hers to make herself feel better.  Of course, the most logical thing to do is not to take the child into these kinds of sensory overload situations.  Many parents find that they cannot "trust" their children at super stores like Kmart, WalMart, Meiers, etc.  Actually, it is not that the child is untrustworthy, it is that they are put into a situation where they are unable to self-regulate.  At this point the responsibility is on the parent to provide containment for the child.  And no, containment does not mean embarrassing an older child by holding her hand, but rather leading her to a place within the larger environment where she can  have a choice of  one or two activities.  If this isn't possible, let your child know that you won't be going to this particular activity because it causes her too much stress.  This is done without shaming.  We don't tell a child we can't trust them because that does not address what is beneath the behavior which in this case is dysregulation.  Keep in mind this is behavior if left unchecked will become addictive and a pattern that will keep repeating itself.

Food Issues with Teen

I received this call for advice last evening:
Our high energy middle school aged son only eats foods which have a specific consistency and texture.  He is resistant to trying new foods which aren't on his very short-list of acceptable ones. While we're familiar with picky eaters amongst children, his patterns seem to go above and beyond being picky about food.  We are concerned that he isn't getting adequate nutrition or calorie needs to keep up with his body's needs. On Thanksgiving day, when there were ten different dishes to choose from (including mashed potatoes, which we thought he might like), he ate nothing. 

We have tried a number of responses, including letting him choose the foods he'd like to try; involving him in the cooking and preparation of food; working with taste and touch and texture of food through occupational therapy as a young child; holding him while he is eating.  When he started school this year he said he wanted to try new foods, but then dissolved into tears when he couldn't eat the food he had chosen to try--a piece of chicken, a pancake or a piece of pizza.  We are very concerned that he has an eating disorder which may have long term effects on his physical, emotional and social well-being.  Generally, we give him the kinds of foods he wants as often as we can.  But there are many instances where this is not feasible, e.g. visiting friends at their houses, and other social contexts.  It limits him in different areas of his life, which he has acknowledged.

We think that he might need some additional professional help with this, and we could use some as well. We've run out of creative or responsive ideas which might help him along the way.  However, since he feels a great deal of shame about the issue, we suspect it won't be an easy road to get this needed help.  He was adopted at age 8 months, and spent that time in an orphanage where "feeding" was accomplished by putting balancing a bottle against a pillow for the babies in the orphanage.  There was no physical contact.  He refused to touch or play with food from a very early age, and would become enraged when he was given something new or different. 

Check out my facebook page:  Challenging Children for my reply to this family.

Loss, Abandonment, Grief, New Families, Newly Reunited Families

Holidays!  They conjure up many, many images and along with how those images are conjured up come memories.  For some, perhaps for many these are joyful and loving memories and for some, perhaps many these memories are painful and the images are triggers.  The memories conscious and unconscious that come along with sights, sounds, smells, touch are the triggers.  When you find your children, (bio, foster, adopted)  "acting out" their behavior is signaling that they are in distress.  And it isn't because they don't want a visit from Santa, or the Chanukah dreidel they are dysregulated and no amount of threatening, cajoling, consequenting will change their behavior in the long run.  They might shape up for a couple of minutes, hours or if you are lucky a whole day or two.  But, the outrageous, unacceptable behaviors will continue.

Here are some suggestions to make the holidays more peaceful for your family:

1.    Window of Tolerance

Be mindful of your own tolerance level for chaos, mess, unpredictability and just the overall stress of holiday spending, preparation, drain on your mental and physical energy.  Keep it in check by not overbooking, not overspending, and most of all keeping your expectations of yourself always in the forefront of your plans.

Consider your child’s window of tolerance and don’t overplan for him, don’t keep him up late, don’t use the “you’d better be good or…” routine because it will only increase the level of stress narrowing the window and almost guaranteeing a meltdown. 

2.    Time In

Instead of putting your child in time out, bring her into you.  Let her know it is all too much and you understand.  By bringing her next to you, instead of sending her off by herself to “think about what she has done” at a time when her brain is unable to thing, you will be helping her to calm.  You will be letting her know that you know it is all too much for her and you are helping to slow it all down.

3.    Be Proactive

Predict when your child might be about to lose it and scoop him up and suggest getting some air together, even if you are in the middle of a sing along; even if the turkey has just been brought to the table.  If there are three events planned for the celebration and by the second one, your child is whining and tattling (yes, even your 14 year old…remember when we stress, we regress) say that you are calling it a day.  Do not use this as a way of consequenting, but as a loving way of understanding that he just cannot tolerate another celebration.

4.    You Can’t Always Be There

Keep in mind that there will be times, that you can’t be where your child is when her window of tolerance begins to slam shut.  Know that she is doing the best that she can at that moment and so are you.

Disruptive Student/s

Yesterday, I posted on my Challenging Children Facebook page, this question posed by a teacher: "what am I to do with a student who is not on task, causing other children to be off task, and taking my attention from those who want to learn?"  here are 2 interventions that will, in most cases, elicit positive responses from the disruptive child as well as the other students in the class.  #1.  Develop the daily practice of greeting each child, as they enter your classroom, every day.  This means that you, the teacher will be at the door, not as a hallway monitor, but as a "greeter".  Personally address each child and make a mental note of the student's mood.  #2.  Pay particular attention to that child or children who seem a bit off that day.  When this student or students appear off task, wander over to his desk during your lecture or during a seat assignment and gently touch the student's shoulder (unless of course you know that this is a student who will react negatively to this gesture).  If you are uncomfortable touching a student, lean down and give a quiet, encouraging word. And #3: (Yes, I know I was only giving two interventions, but this one is an expansion of #2) Use #2 for amy child who appears off task or unfocused, even if he appeared just fine when you greeted her at the beginning of the class.

YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!!

"You can't tell me what to do; you are not the boss of me!"  "No, I don't want to do______, I'm not going to do it and you stop talking!"   These words come from a 4 year old...and with the words come the aggressive behaviors of kicking, spitting, and hitting.  What does this behavior mean?  I keep telling folks to look beneath the behaviors...this child has had to develop survival skills in the face of trauma....and in this survival mode he will fight whatever and whomever is in his way.  He has got to have control, he has got to be in charge.  And until he is able to feel a sense of true safety, he will be trying to control in the fight mode.    Should he be punished for his aggressive behaviors?  No, though these behaviors do need to be addressed.  They do not need to be punished.  Match is feeling, tell him you know he wants to have____, that he wants to go and do_____.  And he will be able to have____later, or he can do____later.  You know he wants it, you understand that he feels like he will never get it or never be able to do it, but he will.  Not now because_____(make it a short explanation), but later.  And for now he is safe, you are safe and he is okay.  You don't want him to hit you, it does hurt you when he hits.  But nothing is going to happen to him...he is okay, he is safe.  Match his tone if you can without the anger behind it...he may need to know that you hear him...tell him you hear how very upset he is.  Hold his hands when he tries to punch you, let him know it is not okay to spit...you aren't angry with him, but you don't want to be punched and you don't want to be spit at.

"Gary, Indiana; Gary Indiana...

my home sweet home.”  I am usually able to begin a blog with the title.   Tonight was different:  I wanted the title to reflect how adults assume that children are naïve, clueless and without sensory perceptions.   And so now it occurs to me that I will title this blog with the beginning lyrics from the Music Man. The school administration  has decided that a large majority of our school children in Gary, Indiana will now be walking to school. And of course such a new adventure  will be met with youthful abandon;  parents and guardians will be reminded of their carefree days of being able to walk to school.  And my intention, as I sat down, was to write about the effects of trauma.  And how sometimes the very fabric of our children's lives is rooted in trauma.  Many families are experiencing poverty and unemployment, severe illness, separation, alcoholism, not to mention that they themselves may be victims of abuse or neglect.  Because you see, our city is no longer the idyllic community that Meredith Wilson made famous.  Instead we have a poverty rate over 28%, we have a 13% unemployment rate; a fifth of all of our housing, churches, school buildings and other structures are vacant and boarded up.  And our children live amidst this poverty, in this blighted community, on blocks where violent and not so violent crime occurs on a daily basis.  "The wheels on the bus go round and round..." but those elementary school children who live within a mile of their school will be walking this school year, and those middle and high school students who live within two miles of their school will be walking as well.  Because of budget cuts,  our school system can only run 50plus buses, last year they ran 150plus buses.  What's trauma got to do with it?  Many of the children in our community experience the effects of our blighted and crime ridden neighborhoods on a daily basis.  It effects them, it effects their relationship with their friends, their family and it causes them stress...stress that they don't understand, stress that they can't process because they can't name it.  It causes them fear...fear about when the next robbery may occur in their neighborhood, when the next person may get shot, whether that next person will be their neighbor, or their cousin, or their auntie.  And now each day, before they get to school many will walk through their neighborhood and the adjoining neighborhood to get to school and they will see what, of course, they have seen everyday.  But it will be different...they will experience it, inhale it, kick at it...and they will arrive at school more stressed out than they are after a rowdy bus ride.  After all, the buses are clean; after all, the buses were not a recent crime scene.  Are our school staffs prepared?  Has anyone thought about the effects, of that not so healthy walk, on the psyche of our children?  My guess is that they haven't; my guess is it will take months, if not the entire school year to figure out why so many kids are having a hard time focusing early in the day and perhaps again in the afternoon as they prepare themselves for the return trip home with the scents of despair that will accompany them on their walk.

Parenting Softly

My husband and I watched from our deck this morning as a friend walked by and in hand with his two young children.  We knew they were probably off for a morning walk on the beach.  They greeted us and commented on the purple flowers growing on a trellis by the street.  The daughter who is about 6, was wearing a lovely long white dress (a "nylony" looking garment) and bright pink sparkly flats.  The little guy who is probably about 4, stooped down to probably scoop up some of the rocks near the trellis.  Our friend, very quietly reminded him that those were not his rocks and he should leave them where they were.  He used the same tone to his voice that he used when commenting on the flowers.  And his son indeed let thee rocks tumble out of his hand, they said goodbye to us, resumed holding hands and indeed walking down the street and up the beach path.  Did I mention that our friend's daughter was dressed in a long white dress with pink sparkly shoes?  My husband commented on how very cool it was that she was able to wear whatever she wanted to walk in the sand and perhaps even dip her feet (and therefore her dress, because it reached to her feet) in the lake.

Observing our friend, I immediately thought of the term "parenting softly".  On this morning, my friend embodied that kind of parenting.

Can We Give What We Haven't Gotten?

The question that this blog is responding to is whether it is possible for a parent to help their child heal from the wounds of trauma if they themselves have never processed and understood their own trauma? My answer is that it is very, very difficult to parent a child who exhibits the often extreme behaviors of a child who has experienced developmental trauma.  It is difficult for the parent who themselves have been raised in a loving, nurturing, caring, empathetic family.  If as a parent, you have experienced the trauma of abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, prenatal trauma, unprocessed loss, etc. until you have processed and understood that trauma you will react to your child's behavior and be unable to respond in a loving, nurturing, empathetic way.  There are several reasons why this is so and much of it has to do with what happens in the brain when we are stressed and have emotions that have been submerged and often denied.  When we are triggered through stress, our short term thinking is suppressed and we don't have access to the cognitive part of our brain.  So what happens is that we meet our child at the exact same place they are...overwhelmed and incapable of thinking through our words and actions.

My faithful reader who posed this question did not ask the follow up to "can we give what we haven't gotten?" and that is can we get it.  And the answer is yes, but it takes looking at our own history, our own baggage which can be childhood history and baggage or more recent adult relationship history.  When the child who is talking back to us and not listening reminds us of a  boss or a spouse who demeaned, maligned, and ultimately dismissed us we need to step back and see that, and understand it for what it is.  Even, yes even seek help for ourselves so that we do the necessary healing to be available to help our child heal.  Otherwise, we will experience a clash of wills that could become physically and/or emotionally abusive and re-traumatize our child.

The Power of Oxytocin

I wrote on my Facebook page:  Challenging Children that our 7 year old grandson used his powers this morning to calm a very agitated possum who had been trapped unwittingly in the trap set for a groundhog.  He was pacing the perimeter of the cage like a trapped animal...which of course, he was.  Our young grandson went out to get a closer view of him and as he stood just a foot away from the cage he began to talk to the possum in a soft voice.  He told the possum that he was safe, his Papa would take him out to the woods and release him.  His Papa would never hurt him.  He kept talking to him in this soothing way and soon the possum quieted down and laid down in the cage.  About 20 minutes later, a mole came up trying to get under the cage and that started the possum moving again around and around the cage.  This time, our young grandson simply walked over to the cage where the possum could see him and just quietly stood...and again the possum settled down.  What was happening here was what happens in relationships between humans and also other animals.  If one approaches another in a loving, attentive, calm manner a hormone in the brain called oxytocin is triggered in the receiving party.  In this case, our young grandson did not want the animal harmed and he didn't want him to be stressed...in order to "reach" the possum, he quietly and repetitively told him (who by the way he named, "Speedy" when they released him into the woods) he was okay, he was safe.  Animals are neurobioogically wired to be in relationship; relationship that is attentive and caring.  And when we are in relationship with another our brains naturally release this calming hormone.